I was going to tell

I was going to tell you something. About food and blood sugars and how when I eat porridge I feel drowzy afterwards. No wonder Goldilocks needed to find a bed. I ate porridge for dinner tonight as I often do. It fits the bill.. it's warm, hearty, comforting, quick and fills my hunger. But then I get drowzy (that's sposed to have an s in it isnt it?) and tonight I got low too. But a strange sort of low. It was as if my brain was watching my body sag. I was chatting to Jeffrey at the time. I got flatter and flatter. Sander commented on me sounding flat too. Amazing stuff, porridge.

I have hot milk and will go to bed when I have finished it. I had a few things on my plate at the moment. Work is increasing to ten hour days. I could grab an extra day by working in the weekend but I can't really spare the time. I have ballet scenes to make and helpers to organise and I need a whale and the stage is 15metres wide and I don't know how to make a whale. Ron helped a lot by suggesting hardboard/wood folded in on itself so it can fit into the wings.. very small wings very little off stage room.

Quentin helped put all my work whines in perspective, and he is right right right, so I am now of a new mind to 'go with the flow' and not let everything be so personal. I get paid don't I? It's a job, isn't it? of course. get on with it, Michelle.

I seem to have a lot of men in my life at the moment. Between email, telephones, textmessages, icq anyone'd think I had a string of cheeky men flirting with me. *thinks* i have a string of men flirting with me.

There is only one I want though. You always want what you can't have Michelle. I realise this, what can I do about it? Maybe you could sort out why you keep wanting people it's impossible to want. Do you fear committment? intimacy? Is your own world so comforting? are you silly enough to believe it's real?

it's the porridge talking. Maybe it's the milk. I am drinking milk and i did have milk in and on my porridge. You shouldn't trust cows. They are clever. They got us to drink from their udders.

Oh, by the way? Quentin didn't tell me to 'go with the flow'. He was much more sensible and detailed. I am just going to go-with-the-flow for now, that's what I am doing not what he told me to do.

I don't like Oasis. They are boring and predictable and so far up themselves their eyes water when they walk. Shihad was on Space tonight. What a USELESS tv program. Two stupid presenters and crappy music and sucky ill spoken reviews. They have a website. It's annoying. Takes forever to load on my phone line. But I go there because Jon Toogood has promised to chat in their chatroom there so i go along. Javachat sucks and this is particularly bad. Small area for text viewing, thirty users, who the hell can keep up. PLUS.. Jon comes in and says "thank uuuuu" a couple of times and goes room hopping cos the rooms are illegible. What a crock of shit website to go with a crock of shit tv show. Stick THIS review in your bong and smoke it. tossers.

Shihad rocked though. Jon Toogood's shifty eyemovement was a bit dodgey but. Gave me an eye ache just watching it.

I re-applied for my domain name. Posted it today. I did that two weeks before Christmas '99. I hope it works this time. Just need a jolly good project for myself. A distraction. An absorption.

Jeffery thinks I might be depressed. He says my disassociation is disturbing. That I isolate myself (i think thats what he was meaning). My fatigue and my sleeplessness. And my crappy eating habits. What do you think? I have had depression before. I became motionless except for a slight, every so slight, rocking. I am not doing that now. I have used 'I' so many times. Is that okay cos this is MY diary? I think so. So he thinks it is a different flavour of depression. I think it's a sugar thing.. being toxically addicted to the stuff is bound to give my body the run around. So what am I going to do? Tired and can't sleep (and its not that 'can't sleep' that internetters claim they have where they stay up all night online.. this is horizontal in my bed in the dark tired as fuck not sleeping for hours on end... not sleeping)

Now i forgot what i was saying.