"I still want to be friends" how many times have you heard that after a failing/failed relationship... "Can't we still be friends?" .. how many times have I used that myself, actually, not that often because basically what i mean is.. go away this is too hard, but i dont want to feel bad about it. I want you to just, disappear into the background, make my life easier to deal with, because I won't have to deal with the hurt of it.
oh oh or the other thing.. "it's not you, it's me" .. no that means its actually you... i don't want you. I don't want to tell you I don't like your company anymore, I don't want to tell you the new person is more fun than you, or more suited to me than you were.. I don't want to tell you you aren't good enough for me. .. that I am no longer attracted to you... that now, after all this time, that I got to know you, and I don't want to know anymore.
I don't want to look into your face and see that you still love me through my eyes that no longer care.
And the signs I sent, the signals, that you were supposed to pick up on, so I wouldn't have to spell it out in black and white in the end. The avoidence. The lack of availablity. The closing off of contact and limiting of information.. how can you be so thick as to not have picked up on those clever yet subtle trails of crumbs i left for you?
But then you drifted away. Then you didn't complicate my new relationship with memories of the past your presence always brought. Then, after the initial flush of new love had faded a little, I looked up, and you had actually gone. I realised I hadn't heard from you or of you for some time, for weeks, months. And, I thought.. where are you�
So I go looking for you.
And I find you.
You are still the same person I didn't want 8 months ago, still the same person I hurt, still the same person who saved me, and I find I am telling you I still care. I still want you in my life.
I send you sweet things, words, pictures. To keep the contact strong enough to hold you until the next time I am feeling alone, or lonely, or in need. And I expect you to be there. And you will be. You always are. Until I don't need you again, until the next time I do.
This makes me insensitive, and selfish, controlling. And you soft, and vunerable, confused. . . and.. a fool.