faulty product

Dear Sir

Recently I purchased a Monday from your catalogue. I have found that it doesn't appear to be working correctly.

On opening the package this morning, I found the Monday seemed used, and shop soiled. After removing it from the box, and using it for several hours, it seems to become slower and slower, suffering an inappropriate amount of lag. I also discovered, those who stood near to the Monday seemed to suffer more than average stupidity, as if the Monday emitted harmful rays of some kind. By the afternoon, the Monday seemed to slow time as a black hole absorbs light.

I have repackaged the Monday and enclose it for a full refund. Or an exchange for a Nice Tuesday. Or a cup of coffee and a cuddle.

Yours faithfully