ARIES (March 21-April 19): There is an infinity of possible answers to the question "What is the meaning of life?" Last week, the meaning of life for me was embodied by a drunken Zen master who came to me in a dream and drawled, "Think with your heart and feel with your head." This week brought a new answer: In a San Francisco café I found a bar napkin on which someone had drawn a three-panel cartoon depicting a butterfly crawling into a cocoon and being transformed into a caterpillar. For you this week, Aries, the answer to "What is the meaning of life?" is an image that came to me as I meditated on your astrological omens: On a dry lake bed, a dozen long-stemmed red roses rise out of an ancient Greek vase as a thunderbolt cracks through the sky and a downpour begins. --------

Jam: my lunch? this is just an empty plastic bag.
Greg: oh man, it must've fallen out *driving and grappling with things on the back seat*
Jam: *looking* i can lean back and pick the sandwiches up
Greg: *cringing* it wasn't sandwiches. Damn I bet it's.. it's fallen out hasn't it? the lid has fallen off.
Jam: what lid, what? *seeing* oh god it was spaghetti bolognase? *seeing the pile of spaghetti and sauce on the floor of the car*

Boss: So what are we going to call Marshall when he gets here?
Other Boss: You mean Job Title?
Boss: yes, his Job Title.
Jam: how about "Mr Marshall, Sir"
Rosie: how about "Love Muffin"

Greg: *pulling into the driveway* oh man, is that Amy?
Jam: yeh, and she's carrying something furry, oh god please don't let it be another kitten.
Greg: well if it is, it won't be for long.
Jam: mmm kitten for dinner *out of the car and talking to amy* you can't keep another pet
Amy: it's not a pet its a stray rabbit I had to save it there were cats after it. I'll put it in the hutch with my rabbit and then make a sign for the dairy in the morning.
Jam: *greg finding rabbit stew recipes* better make sure it's not a girl or you'll have 43 million more rabbits by the end of the week.
Amy: I checked, its a boy .. look *showing the rabbits disproportionately large testicles*
Jam: oh I hope you're right.
Amy: *puts large well endowed black rabbit in the cage with her large grey rabbit* ohmy god!!
Jam: what??
Amy: they keep humping each other oh god thats his head don't hump his head *trying to save the rabbits from each other*
Jam: are you SURE they are both male?
Amy: *looking at me like I'm the most stupid person to ever walk the earth* they're both trying to climb on top. They must be males.
Jam: so you're trying to tell me females never climb on top?
Amy: oh man they're at it again.. dirty..d irty rabbits. Oh god they're gay I have gay rabbits.. that's so disgusting.
Jam: why? they get to vent their sexual frustrations and we don't get to get rid of millions of baby rabbits. that's not disgusting, that's great!
Amy: oh god they're in the hutch now God only knows what they're doing in there. Actually, it's quite cool, I have homosexual rabbits. I rock.

Simon: Hey guess what.. I learned some sign language today look *signs*
Jam: *not looking eyes firmly fixed to the television* there is no way anything you can say is more important than Buffy and Spike getting it on for some dirty dirty vampire sex.
Simon: Buffy and Spike get it on??
[brief pause of sound and movement]
Simon: *powerwalking through the kitchen to the top of the stairs to yell down to his girlfriend* Jacqui.. come upstairs NOW, we're watching BUFFY!!



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Poor Chopin's Ghost: a moment of carelessness and he's got a whole new hair style going on. Makes me remember [because it's all about ME] all the times I had disasterous things happen to my hair. Like the time my mother arranged for me to have a 'trim' with her friend's hairdressing_apprentice_daughter. My hair wasn't all that long, just past shoulder length but it was as short as a boy's hair by the time that hairdresser was finished with it. Or the time I was at dinner with my ex's boss and his wife and the managers of the company at a Korean bbq restaurant. All 80's hair and swept back and hairspray.. I leaned to light my cigarette on the gas burner in the center of the table, sitting back, smoking and looking cool and wondering why there is a rapidly growing look of horror on the faces of my companions. The Boss started hitting me on the head and it took a couple of hits before i realised he was putting out the fire and not just smacking me around. I had burned the hair right back to my scalp, that took years to grow back properly. Or the time I had a perm and half on it feel out.. the left half. Half a curly head half a straight head. Or that time.. no wait.. I'm not going into all the "colouring disasters" I'll be here all night. There are plenty of things worse than that sick feeling when you've done something so visibly stupid to your appearance, and its where that saying comes from "whatever doesn't kill makes for cheap content for your website". --------