Sleep is the new Black

Maybe I have insomnia:

It's been a while since I had nights where I couldn't sleep, but now after a week of seeing the wrong side of 3:40am, I think I can self diagnose and say i'm going through one of those sleep phases lumped under the heading of "insomnia".

The last few days haven't been much of a probem because I've been able to sleep late due to the extra Easter days off work, but now i'm staring down the barrel of a new albeit shortened work week and my insides groan at the prospect of dealing with it without enough shuteye. Why can't I sleep? It better not be caffeine, cos I'm not giving that up!

Maybe it's because I'm homeless:

I moved out of my flat and into temporary digs a (few weeks/six weeks/eight weeks/February) while ago and so far have done next to nothing to change my temporary status. It's not that I'm uncomfortable where I am staying, and there's no doubt I'm imposing, but it's not my home. I am homeless. I have no home. I have no place for my stuff and my things and my heart and my mind. I have no where to look forward to at the end of my day although I do look forward to seeing David everyday which might have something to do with the whole inertia with the process of sourcing a new abode.

Now, I could easily remedy that situation - but I am not. And there are obvious reasons for that, and some not-so-obvious reasons. They chug their way through my thoughts as I punch my pillow into the perfect rest for my unsleeping head.

Maybe it's because I'm restless:

It seems like six months since I went to Melbourne, but it was only the other week. I flew home with candied ideas of moving there and starting fresh, with lots of work and a new coat. While family events are conspiring against that idea, it is still very much on the cards when considering my options for both working and living. At the very least my options - as far as work is concerned - have branched out to include the idea of moving outside of Auckland. This gives me more opportunities, and more scope, and more things to think about as I turn from my right side to my left and slide from the overly warm sheets to the cooler side of the bed.

Maybe it's because I'm afraid of everything:

Ever since Christmas, I've been this indecisive scardicat - even more so than usual. I am sure that Michael did something to my "I kinda know what i'm doing" chakra that night in the cafe. I went through two weeks where I didn't sleep after that - yes, let's blame him, shall we? I remember him fiddling with my invisible wings doing god-knows-what back there as I lie on my stomach and will sleep to claim me as I force myself to not look at the clock one last time.

Maybe it's because I'm lonely:

That's a weird thing to consider seeing as how many people are in my life at any given moment, but you know what I mean. I am longing for someone I love, to have time to love me back. I know he's out there somewhere cos I've seen the tracks. I have his scent. I know who I'm looking for. I get annoyed with myself for dabbling round with those poor sods I dabble around with who have no idea that they're not who I'm looking for. I argue with myself, debating whether I'm a bitch or have intimacy issues and wonder if I'm too fussy or not fussy enough or just plain out of luck and sigh and curl up and hug my pillow and open my eyes to blink at the clock that tells me I'm still not alseep.

Maybe it's because I'm old:

Insomnia's supposed to be a symptom of menopause. What a horrifying thought - it's bad enough being in my forties but early menopause would be just cruel. God, I'm going to die alone with Anna Pray's words "if [after menopause] you don't use it, you'll lose it" ringing in my ears. To have to go through a lifetime of surpressed shit until I'm 50 and then lose what little pretty I have left to dry skin, wrinkles, insufficient lubrication and the ever-present threat of breaking a hip even if given half a chance of sexual intercourse'd be typical round about now, wouldn't it. I throw all but one pillow from my bed and kick off the duvet. Please God, if you can't grant me sleep at least let me die now because I can't face another day if that's all my future holds for me.

Maybe it's because some things happen for no damn reason:

I don't believe in fate. And I don't believe it when people say "all things for a reason" - If you think about the words in that saying they are utterly pointless. And the meaning behind the words isn't far behind. You know what? sometimes, shit just happens. It may have nothing to do with you, but it can land right on you just the same. You can spend many hours searching for a silver lining in any given rain cloud but sometimes, it's just murky crap in there and life is pain, Princess. You are just a talentless hack afterall and by Any-Minute-Now, everyone's gonna know that too. You're always going to be a fat lump as well - don't forget that. And no one is ever going to find time to love you because you're just fucking unloveable. No wonder parts of your family are a mess, you're just a lazy parent and it's a wonder things aren't worse. God knows you've been crap in any relationship you've ever been part of. You really hate saying "you" in sentences too because it distances yourself from your pathetic nature and somehow makes it almost seem not your fault you're a fucked-up, stupid, pointless, worthless woman.

I must've dozed off because I've woken up cold. I pull at the duvet and it comes up crooked and I snuggle down under it and look at the clock. An hour til my alarm goes off to tell me it's time to get up. I could get up now, I'm perfectly awake and there is that terrible habit I have of shutting the alarm off in my sleep. I could get up and go for a walk. Get back, even have time to eat breakfast for a change. Catch the early bus and actually get to work at a civilised hour. But instead I curl up and words and ideas tumble across the backs of my eyes like a relentless tide until I do fall asleep for one last nap before startling awake and realising I'm late for work again, and I've slept through my alarm again, and my jaw is sore from clenching it as usual and I hope this phase doesn't last too long.