Dear Santa,

I know it's early, but I'm nothing if not organised.

Late last year I wrote suggesting a deal whereby you deliver Matthew McConaughey as my Christmas Gift, I would not ask for anything else of you for the rest of my life. As my gift failed to arrive by the due date, I assume we've returned to negotiating terms for my 2006 Christmas Gift.

I would like to suggest that, instead of delivering such delectable individuals such as Mr McConaughy to my door, it would make more sense for me to have a little "work" done so I can attract such visitors under my own steam. The major benefit of this solution would be a reduction in your delivery workload, while giving me more ownership and responsibility in the relationships I form.

This weekend, my line of thought resulted in a solution: Please Santa, could make it so I look more like Judi Dench and less like Roseanne Barr. Times are a'changin' and i'm nothing if not progressive.

I had the occasional pleasure (I watched the entire movie, but the pleasure was not consistant) of seeing Mrs Henderson Presents last night - and while one might initially think that any movie showing Bob Hoskin's penis might be worth $15 - at this juncture I have no comment on that matter. All I'm saying is I'm glad Judi Dench was in the movie as she was worth a solid $12.50 in all the pleasurable bits. Beyond the intial cash transaction, the revelation that I in fact want to be Ms Dench, was simply priceless.

Please consider this a serious request. I look forward to hearing from you, or failing that, to wake up on 25th December 2006 with an uncanny resemblance to one of the most attractive, enduring actresses of our times.

yours faithfully,