Alien vs. Predator

All I wanted to do was see Thunderbirds. It's all I've wanted to do since I saw the trailer earlier this year. Granted, I assumed it was an adults' movie I mean, why wouldn't I? The age of the television shows most devoted audience are all adults now. That would have rocked but no, Hollywood doesn't want to rock my world, they made it a kids flick. Funny because most of the kids I know either don't know the Thunderbirds or flat out don't like them "you can see the strings, mummy, they're puppets - that's crap CGI, why didn't they use point referencing and blue screen mummy." The television show just doesn't work for kids these days. It works for adults who loved the show as kids. Dumbass Hollywood.

Anyway. I couldn't get my kid to see that film for love nor money - so we ended up at Alien vs. Predator.

Yeh, I still can't believe it actually.

We decided to go on the spur of the moment. David had biked over from his place and after about 5 minutes started saying he was bored. Making sure to be clear that it's my place that's boring, not me. He lounged around in a dramatic fashion - upside down on the couch, sideways, on the floor - arms flung in utter disbelief at how bored he was.

I looked up the Sky City Village site to see what was on at the movies - we can go to Thunderbirds 4:30pm session. It was 3:36pm and we could comfortably walk up to the cinema for that. No way, he said, was he bored enough for that. He asked what other movies were on - so many chick-flicks so little time - cinderella diarys range thing stuff - no way there was anything there that this boy was goind to admit to wanting to see.

We could go to Alien vs Predator, that might be dumb but it might be coo' he suggested. That session was at 3:50pm, by now a meer 17 minutes away - I said okay, but if we go we have to go It takes me 15 minutes to walk up to Videoezy which is about 7 minutes from there to the theatre - we're going to be late but not too late if we go now.

So we did, upped keys and wallet and off we went. We chatted and walked briskly. David in full teenage mode complaining that all the buses were going in the wrong direction and if only they synched themselves to movie times and not to the ferry timetable he wouldn't have stitch right now and have to admit he's the most out-of-shape teenager on.the.planet.

We got to the theatre at 4:10pm and into the very dark theatre. Standing at the top of the aisle to let my eyes adjust didn't end up helping. It's a dark movie, I couldn't see a thing except the theatre was moderately full. After groping a few unsuspecting boys sitting one seat in from the aisle I gave up and went straight to the second to front row. David was giggling, you're so funny mum. This theatre's so DARK! We settled in for the movie.

We hadn't missed much David assured me, I didn't mention I wasn't that worried. The scientific team was about to leave for Antartica to find the pyramid under the ice.

Now, this movie has plot holes you can drive a truck through. Not those slender Melbourne trucks with great ankles - those great big Mack trucks with air horns. And the pacing is bad.. I mean really bad. And there are so many cast members who do nothing. And the script - well, you know, it's as expected. And it gets scary but in a predictable "somethings going to jump out at you in this scene" kind of way. And the Inca/Egyptian hyroglyphics/Indianna Jones sliding stones thing was over done. And the fighting scenes are confusingly with their - I'm sure it has a technical name, did they use the same technique in Gladiator? - where things flicker like an old movie. Gives a dreamlike quality. Except, the alien's black and the predator's armour is black and the back ground is black so you get this glinting moving mess of a fight that you can't figure out what's going on which you know - would work for one of the fight scenes but was a pain in the arse for *all* the fight scenes. They stole a Matrix-like super-slow-mo-in-mid-air thing for one of the hatchling scenes - they should've used it a time or two more we already recognised it as stolen. And it had about 7 too many close-ups of the Alien's hissing, dripping muzzle and teeth - I had flash backs of Frodo opening his hand to reveal "the ring". Yeh yeh we know it's there, yeh yeh we know your mouth is really scary.

[ I do have a mucus question while we're on the subject: The alien leaves goo everywhere, but it has acid too.. does it spit the acid? I know it's blood is acidic but surely it uses it as a weapon. if so, how? Sorry I was obviously not paying enough attention. ]

The predictable "all the fugly people die" rule applied, but the "rule of two" did but not in the way we expected. David's MSN name this morning is "Alien vs Predator kicks ass!!!!!" so I'm thinking he liked it. The theatre was abnormally full of males. I only spotted one other female and she was, well, i mistook her for a boy at first. There was a lot of talking going on in the movie - lot of normal voiced levels of commentary. Talking about previous Alien and Predator movies that lead to this and some laughter too at the absurdity of some of the detailing.

But in the end - I actually thought it was okay. It's not the worst movie I've ever seen - I still think that title is held by Deep Blue Sea and the smart sharks. It has an audience and I'm sure they were pleased to find one kicking-ass movie that didn't have cute fish or valley girls in it during the school holidays.

I started off wanting to expand on my theory that even crap has quality - but i seem to have lost my own thready plot.