I had the most vivid emotional dream this morning about Alan. Honestly, it was like he was there, as if he was with me. He felt solid, he opened his arms and I circled his body with my arms and rested my head on his chest. He just held me. I asked him how he was, how 'it' was - he said it was pretty okay but he kept getting into trouble - he is the King of Understatement - I looked up to his face and he had 'that' half smile and he said like "I hang around with the wrong kind of people". His father was there, but he couldn't see Alan. He had a cellophane wrapped basket of things for his mother, but he couldn't give them to her himself. He took me out and I had to climb out onto a ledge to hug him good bye. It was a very thin ledge and there was a stark drop. He suggested we move along to a safer part of the face because there wasn't a need to be hugging each other with such risk. He said goodbye and he held me. Then left. I climbed back up the drop and into a cafe-like-room and sat at a table and the tears just flowed and I cried and cried and cried. Wendy was there with the girls and I had the sense he had spent a lot of time with them before coming to see me on his way out.
When I woke the feelings were there - still so intense - but I wasn't crying. My face in the mirror had a shocked look, I didnt recognise myself at first. The 'feel' of him is still with me. I woke up knowing it had been him. I woke up knowing he had been worried about me and he knew I needed reassuring even though I didn't even know that myself.