I have been a spasmodic diary keeper of late. I can't promise anything will change. Easter weekend is nearly here and I hope to, plan to, want to.. spend it htmling all weekend. I miss fiddling around with coding and graphics. Work is okay, though I don't feel terribly secure. Not that I feel I will be fired or anything, but the Company itself doesnt have a very strong foundation according to my instincts. Maybe I am wrong. I hope so. Though I grumble about work, there are few openings for people using Director with limited experience. I need time. I love my flat. It's small but I love it. I love the privacy and I love the quiet. I love the freedom and I love the responsibilty. Went to see two movies over the weekend. Both I would advise you to swerve. Erin Brockovich and Mission to Mars.. both duds.. trust me. How they can spend so much money on no story continues to amaze me. Mission to Mars was particularly poor. I need to go to Stuart Little to buck movie going spirit up. It's Michael J. Fox.. it has to be fab. I went to see Mission to Mars with Greg last night. Heh. Anyother man and I guess it would have been a date. It was nice enough. We rarely talk. Though thats us. I turn the stereo up in the car and sing. He tells me which bits I laugh at in the movie aren't supposed to be laughed at. Then he drops me home. Simple evening. I guess that means we are friends. I guess too, that's a good thing. Why do we go out? He says "we are our only options" *chuckles* smooth? haha. ==*aside* someone this evening said maybe Greg hasn't realised I have other options yet. interesting.*aside*== I am missing Sander. It's been forever since he went to the States. I know he's having a wonderful time. I want him to have a wonderful time. I just miss him, you know? And Adam's offline for a while and I miss him too. Time of the year, all the Northern Hemispherers start having Spring Break and Summer Vacation and holidays to France and and.. and .. I will be here when they all come home. I haven't seen Mike in a monkey's age. I hope everything is grand with him, though I am sure it is. --------

I drive to Fast Eddies to buy my fish and chips. They are by far the nicest around, even though it's a long way out of my way to get there. I don't really go there all that often. Maybe once a month or so. He is really friendly. I am not sure if he remembers me or if he's like this with everyone, but he treats me as if I visit him weekly. He's very familiar in a good way. Tonight I drove over to his shop. Painted on his window in big writing is a special "terikihi strips and chips" and I thought yes, there's my dinner for one. Ordering it he asked "just one?" and I said yes, just one terikihi and chips for me. He suggested I wasnt very hungry to which I assured him I was and he told me terikihi strips and chips wasn't enough for me. I said I had no idea what to order now and could he just give me some food please. So his wife made up a bundle of hot food and sauce and wrapped it up and gave it to me and off I went after paying $5. I decided eating it in front of Mags was the best option to hightailed it down the hill to his house. On opening the package on her coffee table I found Eddie had given me a scoop of chips, three crumbed fish and a potato fritter. Like.. ten dollars worth and miles more than I could eat..enough for three people I would think. What a guy. It was nice to have someone be nice to me. Not that people aren't nice to me, because they tend to be. I don't ruffle too many feathers. After yesterday, I am still feeling tender. I guess.. what do I guess. I guess.. it hurts to be let down. And it hurts to know I still believe in someone who consistantly lets me down. In fact, its the only thing he has consistantly done since I met him. He has no idea he does it either, mostly because I don't rank high in his list of priorities. Never have. I should know better - but I don't. So.. it continues to hurt. Stupid cycle. Moving on Moving on. I look forward to the day stuff like yesterday doesn't bother me anymore. I hope its soon. --------

Awfully sad. I know why. I can't even speak of it.. I have written and deleted and written and deleted and all I want to do is cry. It's as if I have been worth nothing for 20 years. I guess.. the proof is in the pudding. And I was, and continue to be, invisible. --------