Ungrateful April

This habit of keeping grateful lists bewilder me a bit. Not because I don't understand that it means to record what one is grateful for each day but the bewilderment of discovering - beyond the love of friends, family and the shelter of home - what the eff I am grateful for.

Sitting here thinking about what I'm grateful for I can be trite and suggest I am grateful for my cup of coffee; for the man who makes it at the High Court cafe; for my Keepcup that manages to retain the heat of my coffee even when it takes me an hour to drink. If I think a bit harder and with more feeling is that I'm grateful for a colleague who is patient and knowledgeable, generous and thoughtful, and is annoyed by all the same people who annoy me.

Both of those attempts at recording feelings of gratfulness feel easy, as do all the other examples I could trot out.

I feel like I need to dig deeper to be grateful for things that annoy and irritate me so that I can turn my attitude around. But gosh darn it, I like to coddle those feelings. Nurture them; keep them in the half light of day. Stroke them, poke them, keep their edges sharp and pointy.

Would my new found levels of gratitude end up pacifying the squids of anger inside me? Am I ready to lose the fuel for that particular fire? Is it something that I want to, or could live without?