So, here's the thing: I'm depressed.
The fact that I've recognised this, and am able to realise the face, shows me that I'm on my way out of my depression. Before this I only thought I was cold and tired all the time; lazy and not motivated; intolerant and apathetic. Okay maybe you might argue that those traits all just sound like business as usual, but they've been more so than usual.
Depression for me is a lack of energy. A disappearance of ideas, of drive, of enthusiasm - for anything and almost everything - poor sleep. It's been a forcefield around me since before my move back to New Zealand - partly because I didn't want to leave my incredible life in Australia, and partly due to the exhaustion of working those long hours in the last six months there.
The lack of personal space, or time to think, or room to rest since then has contributed - not that I am complaining. Things are the way they are because of the decisions I have and continue to make. it's just interesting to me that this chemical change resulting in this drab version of myself is figured out as depression.
This is what it looks like on me.
And people notice. Friends want to know why I'm flat and quiet. My kids want me to stop looking so sad. And that will happen, as I said, I'm on my way out. The worst of it (baring any complete disaster between now and then because my resiliance right now is zilch) is over.
If my life is like mathematics (which it's not, but I shall carry on that thought) and it's taken me this amount of time to become depressed, pass the deep, dark half-way mark - I should be pretty well back on track by Spring.
That's some good maths right there!