Beginnings aren't easy to begin - but if I start where I am, use what I have, and do what I can - then that's something, right?
I have decided not to get a job: not to get a 'proper' job.
In saying that, to you, and to myself, I hesitate; stumble; run away; come back; twist my toe in the dirt; blush; worry; doubt; cringe; set off fireworks in my heart; reach for my CV.
No, I'm not sure but yes, I am sure.
Beginning of an idea about - God I feel all nervous and doubtful just typing it out (type delete type delete).
The beginning of a life where my daily bread is bought and bartered through what I create.
Horrific. Terrifying. Unformed. Glorious.
I meet an old friend in the super market last night. I did a late-night run to Countdown to stock up on vegetables, having liberated a juicer from unpacked boxes stored downstairs. Ought to have gone to a different super market really, it was just a matter of time before I bumped into someone. I haven't felt like starting my life here since getting back, and meeting old friends is one sure way to get back into the groove of things so I've been avoiding them successfully until the cleaning products aisle.
Anyway, after the "You're back?" and "For good?" questions were answered, her next one was about work "So you're going to get a job doing what you did in Australia?" I answered in the negative, though not convincingly. "Oh, gonna get a job doing something else?" My second negative answer was less stable than the first. "So, what kind of job are you going to get?" she asked. I hesitated before saying "Thought I might give 'not getting a job' a go." She begged my pardon and I said "I'm not going to get a job." She stared at me and said "I.Beg.Your.Pardon?"
My plan is half arsed, not formed, God only knows how it's going to turn out but: I am hunting for a niche market for myself if I even know what that *means* - and if I don't chicken out *too* bad - I might end up somewhere good.