Winter is coming and my world is cooling. I am inside. Inside the house. Inside myself. I am feeling the need of a cave; a hiding place.
Going outside there is a lingering worry that I will bump into someone I know. Someone I knew from before: before I moved away. Before five years ago. Before, when I was dumb, and immature, and not me. Now I am still dumb and immature, but more me than I've ever been before. I controlled my panic last night: slept on it, as they say. It does make a difference. Today I woke with a fresh head, and a better outlook - did what I could - and will deal with the rest later. Not everyone's mistakes are mine to fix. I can do my best to fix my own - but that's only on a good day and generally, most people do way less than that.
So the thinking - the thinking needs to take a rest for a couple of days to get a firm handle on that panicky feeling: I do need a job: but I don't need to think about it right now. I do need money: but I don't need to think about that right now either. What I will concentrate on is drawing every day in May - and writing 750 words every day in May - and walking, every day in May.
I hesitated with the last sentence because it is cold outside and I want to stay inside.
What am I going to do when I grow up? this question is presented to a person once every fifty years, and I need to be ready with my answer. If I knew I couldn't fail, would I draw every day? If I knew people would still like me, would I put my work out there for sale? for judgement? Holy heck, can I even draw? I have this attitude that my ability to draw and paint is like a damned spring just waiting to be tapped into. To flow with lines and colour, effortlessly and completely match the vision of the artwork in my head. But what if the spring has dried up and there is nothing there? Or the water quality is contaminated? Or what if I'm one of those people who think they can sing but can't - but with drawing instead? What if I'm so deluded I can't even see that? These are my worry warts, and they are always telling me to beware, to be cautious, to be afraid. They're nodding as I share this because they say "Yes, you should be afraid. It's the sensible thing to be."
"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
A woman contacted me after the Pinhole Camera workshop. She wondered if I would be interested in trading her services for mine. She does homeopathy and I do drawing - could I draw some flowers for her blog? Could she Bach Flower Remedy me out of my own head, out of my own fears and insecurities? I don't even believe in that stuff - maybe I could trade my drawings for an honest assessment of my talents. For a benchline for what it's like to work with me? Maybe a sketch for a reality check?
But would I ever cash it?