10 Things I Hate About You

  1. I hate the way you stand in the doorway on the tram. There is enough room for people to embark and disembark two by two through that doorway, but when you stand on the top step, no matter how hard you think yourself thin - and let's face it: you don't try very hard at all - you make the odds of passing by you impossible most of the time.
  2. I hate when you wear your backpack - I swear you think that because you can't see it, it doesn't exist. Well I can tell you buddy, every time you turn around you're hitting some seated person in the head with that thing. When you're having a particularly selfish day and also standing in the doorway - you have the ability to incite violence in the most mild-mannered tram user.
  3. I hate the way you laugh at everything. While it's not a bad laugh, it does carry - which isn't bad in itself, but the fact that you use it indiscriminately makes me think you don't really understand humour as much as you're covering your bases. When I'm telling you how upset I am about something and you laugh, it makes me think you're not really listening to me. When I press with clarification that I'm having a serious conversation with you and you continue to laugh, you make me realise you're an idiot.
  4. I hate the way you push me out the 12th story window but don't even care enough to watch me hit the pavement below.
  5. I hate the way you use my words to make you look like you know what you're talking about without any credit to their source.
  6. I hate that you don't work when I have you zoomed all the way out. I know I haven't treated you that well in the past - particularly that day I misjudged the distance between you and that rock and dropped you that devastatingly short distance - but c'mon - why do you work when I don't need you to and not other times when I really end that wide shot?
  7. I hate the way that while you're stealing my words with one hand, you're shoving your inaccurate words into my mouth with the other.
  8. I hate the fact that just because you have a DVD player I fell into the trap that I can view DVDs on you. I hate so many things about your operating system but most of all I hate that you're not in the service of me, but in it for the money.
  9. I hate the way you reproduce every single cell every few months. Why can't you just do every other one? I could be half the person I am in no time!
    I hate the way you misrepresent me.
  10. I hate the way you always do something dorky - nothing you do is ever graceful or elegant. I'd say you're like a bull in a china shop but Mythbusters dispelled that theory last week. And while we're at it, I hate the way you can't keep quiet - could you just stop talking?