Dear Pope Benedict XVI,
I wish to apply for the position of Saint within your organisation. I am a hard worker and a very holy person. I am very keen to enter Heaven and then intercede on individual's (The Living™) behalf.
My application for Heroic Virtue is currently being considered by the Causes of Saints (CoS) in Rome. I have been assured my application is a mere formality, and expect to be bestowed with the title of 'Venerable' before the end of this month.
Please Note: I will request that CoS 'cc you on the confirmation email, for your records.
Attached are two PDF documents with evidence of my miracles. While I understand that it is customary that two miracles occur after I enter Heaven, I think you will find that the quantity of miracles I have pulled off while alive, will stand me in good stead when discussing the flexibility of this particular point with your colleagues in the Holy See and your boss.
I would welcome the opportunity to meet with you and your employer to discuss my suitability for this role. I believe you will recognise, upon meeting me in person, not only am I Holy and Miraculous, but am in fact a Saint; and always have been. I look forward to you recognising my abilities and adding me to the Canon of Saints. Please call or ignite any adjacent bush at your earliest convenience.
Yours in all that is Holy,
Sister Michelle the Venerably [pending] Blessed Keeper of thejamjar.com