Suckimoto Mishisushi

I have a lot on my plate at the moment. So much, in fact, that if my life was a meal the potatoes would keep falling off every time I tried to tackle the meat, and the peas'd be leaving gravy tracks across the table as they rolled off in different directions.

All of it is work and none of it is pleasure. Work used to be my pleasure and I realise now that I fill my time with "busy" to occupy all the spaces where I might have time to examine why I'm living my life alone. I've always said work is my primary relationship but now I'm realising that scenario isn't cutting it. Work and I have grown apart. We want different things. We need to see other people.

A while ago I was grumbling about change. The person I was grumbling to laughed at me and told me how funny that was to her because she saw me as an "agent of change" - a catalyst. That when I was around, everything changed all time. She said that people changed the way they worked when they were with me, saw the world in different ways, felt different things, wanted to do better, felt they could do more. That my opinion was important to people who sought it and even to those poor souls who didn't know what they were bargaining for asking me to critic their work or ideas: and people ask me to do that all the time! the crazy fools - an 11 point bulleted list of what the hell is wrong with this Powerpoint presentation. She said I made people think about things they hadn't thought of before and to stop overthinking things that don't matter.

Which is a strange thing for her to say because up til then I thought she was quite a perceptive woman.

And while we're on the subject: what's this trend whereby everyone wants to work with me - or rather - seems to want me as central to their business plans? A manager who wants me over in Melbourne as part of his eLearning empire; a work colleague who wants me to drive a creative force through corporate Auckland while she takes care of the finances; two tall blokes with an idea for a startup who seem to think they can't do that without me. Why would i want to work with anyone who couldn't see past the wall of noise to the fact that I actually suck?

Why won't anyone listen to me when I say how burnt out I am. How past-it I've become. How this lark is for young people with ideas and imagination. I'm a copy/paste monkey these days and to anyone who can't see that well "ook ook" to you. I haven't used Flash for anything more complicated that a navigated presentation in 2 years. I don't even *have* Photoshop on my work computer, and the one I have at home is finding it hard to justify paying for the latest upgrade.

If I ever had "it", I've managed to lose it in the last year. I believe I have to solidify my ability to bluff and become a teacher for the rest of my days because I'm not making it in the real world any longer. I'm just too old - my face is telling me that every morning in my mirror and my brain is agreeing with more and more frequency.

And here I sit after all that complaining to the real heart of the matter: I have two tickets to the Auckland Town Hall on July 22nd to see Fly My Pretties and have no one I can think of to go with. I'm not saying I don't have friends, that's not what I'm saying - but none of my friends have even heard of the Pretties and I don't want to go to this wonderful, joyful, musical event with someone who doesn't understand how beautiful the music is.

And who isn't a girl.

And would like to go out for drinks beforehand.

And maybe be up for a wee shag afterwards.

So I might forget about my busy main course for a while and just have the simple pleasure of dessert.