Hell in a handbasket, Michelle.

So, the Pope's dead. [I get 16 points on the Deathpool (forget I said that) (100 - deceased age = points awarded - ah.. forget i said that, too) but then so did three others (and that; forget that.), but it's a start.] We seem to be going through a lot of Popes in my lifetime - or is it just me? I might be Pope-sensitive. Maybe if they started younger men off on the road to Popedom we'd see their reign (?) last longer. Though I understand Pope John Paul II was the youngest Pope ever appointed. With the appointment of his successor I'll be on my fourth Pope! given my age I might even see a fifth and sixth Pope during my lifetime but then again - the internet told me I would die in my 60s so, maybe not. That's quite a few Popes for one lapsed Catholic girl.

I'm not very sure what a Pope does. Oh yeh, I know he's God's representative on Earth but what does he really *do*? [might read some of his speeches and writings and get back to you with thoughts at a later date] He just seemed to sit a lot. And talk to people out of his window. And travel around in his Popemobile. I think he was afraid of flying - he kissed tarmacs a lot. They said Pope John Paul II will be remembered for his "sardonic wit". wtf? Didn't notice that about him. Maybe I should pay more attention to the next one.

Speaking of dead stuff, I went to see Constantine at the movies on Saturday. I didn't see the third and final installment of The Matrix, but I'm guessing Constantine was Neo's next gig. He seemed jaded from all that fighing machines and living underground and the whole confusing "online/offline" thing. I'm guessing Trinity must've left him for Morpheus afterall, because Neo was kind of bitter and twisted (in a Keanu kind of way) and changed his name to John Constantine.

Seems he also developed an obssessive compulsive disorder involving distilled water and kept lots of it in his (for want of a better word) apartment. I was very interested to see he needed drawers too - I suppose even extraordinarily psychic types need somewhere to keep their socks.

But that's not what I really wanted to talk about.

I wanted to talk about how this movie didn't completely suck. I didn't expect to ever see this movie. Yes, I know: I see most Keanu films and have been known to go to movies just to watch him run. But I think I'm finally growing out of him and had no urge whatsoever to see his latest flick.

Constantine is a movie about a man who can see demons and angels, or rather, the half-breed whisperers who walk the earth to sway mankind to good and evil over a game played between God and the Devil. He's a chain-smoking (Keanu can smoke about as well as he can say "fuck") grumpy bastard (he doesn't do grumpy very well either) who hunts down and exorcises the not-scary-at-all ratbags and send them back from wence they came. John Constantine has been to Hell and he doesn't like the looks of it and is trying to buy his way into God's good graces and exclusive club by grumpily helping fight the good fight. He meets and hooks-up-with (not in the vernacular) the very attractive ( and experienced: she chased and was chased by a lot of other-worldly stuff in The Mummy and it's sequel) Rachel "I have great calf muscles" Weisz. She is smart - even wore the right kind of shoes and bought the right kind of laptop. She's a devout Catholic which, of course, causes her not to see truth and has a bit of trouble with the whole "I like walks in the rain, cuddling, and slaying demons" thing that John Constantine is all about.

I didn't know anything about this character before seeing the movie and I didn't know it was based on a comic or anything. Hell, I wanted to see Deep Blue and all the fish! but I saw Constantine, and it didn't completely suck. It wasn't anything special either, mind you, so don't go rushing off to the next screening. Just, you know, if you're in the foodhall at Botany and you've finished your sushi and it's hot outside and if you go home you have to help your son move out, then yeh, I say take the escalator up to the movie theatre and if Robots haven't started yet, go see Constantine.

And a note to movie makers everywhere: Keanu can't act, bless him. God knows I love him, but he just can't. This part could've been really dark, and deep, and possibly even a tiny bit scary.. but it was never going to be any of those things with Hollywood's prettiest piece of aging wood. You've wrecked Scanner Darkly by casting him too, haven't you?

Just say no.

#�re: Constantine Review rachael mcgee Posted @ 3/16/2005 2:29 AM
I did not like this movie, it makes no sense. Why can he see these wierd aliens from mars and yet we can not. i was thinking about it all the way home but i still could not get to grips with it. sureley if there were aliens on this planet the fbi would know about them or something, it just doesnt make sense. And also why is neo from the matrix acting like someone completel;y different, i thought he could dodge bul;lets and stuff. Do u know how long it took my frend tom to explain the movie to me and for me to understand it. and now neo goes and starts acting like someone else, god its so confusing. And also why is angelila jolie a human and yet in sharks tale she is a FISH. A FISH! omg films r so stupid and i love my unproportionally large boobies. thankyou george lucas.