We all have panic attacks. I use the royal 'we' to make me feel better about the fact that you probably *don't* have panic attacks, but lets pretend, for a wee while, that its common for most people to have panic attacks from time to time, so you understand. I have people in my life who can manage to pull everyone else into their dramas like a huge swirling black hole of horror - no, really, I'm not exaggerating. Their ability to externalise their panic attacks, their fears, their inability to deal with the rational, is truly amazing. Kiki once told me it was the difference between being neurotic, and physchotic.
The rest of us are quietly rocking in the corner, in the privacy of our own homes, trying not to let anyone know how little confidence we have right at this moment. Quietly crying in the night with self doubt and beating our chests with words we'd never use on another human being. They are busy rampaging through peoples lives dishing out blame. Their force fields repelling any beam of responsibility as surely as the Starship Enterprise repells incoming photon torpedos. Stomping through perfectly good work causing seismic repercussions which create huge imaginary mountain ranges out of tiny perfectly formed mole hills.
I felt the tremors yesterday of such an outburst yesterday. At home, away from the confusing electrostatic such episodes create, I was astonished to hear the details that sparked the rants and fallout and I laughed. Sure, had I been within the blast zone I probably would have broken two molars from clenching my jaw, but from the safe comfort of my sofa, I laughed. Because even though we work in an industry of constant change, one thing never does - and there is humour in predictability after a while. Extra funny is to be in a learning culture where some people never learn a thing.
I think it's time to change our How to Make a Cup of Tea prototype into a How to Make a Storm in a Teacup prototype to better fit our culture.
But, I rant.. I rant from the comfort of my little house. Snug and safe and warm outside the EMP zone, while it rains out there where people are working. I am on leave. More to the point, on taking "days in lieu" which means I worked these hours I have off this week already. I'm about to leave the snugness of my house and drive in the rain 375kms South to visit my mother in Taranaki (as we extra call people call it "the 'naki". Ok, so i don't call it The 'Naki, surfers do. I have issues with abbreviations - my text messages are hand crafted and spelled in full - it's just the way I'm wired.) I love driving. I won't be near any computers, I'm not taking my laptop. I will take my camera and my sketchbook. I will see you when I get back. I will send you a postcard - no, not you. You.
Rosie? Kia kaha.