Who the heck invented umbrellas?

Who the heck invented umbrellas? They are the most useless items against anything but a mild misty shower. I think it's just as effective to walk around holding a large flat sheet of board in front of you - you still can't see anything, you'll still get soaking wet, but at least a board won't turn insideout and threaten to Mary Poppins you across the Tasman Sea!!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Warning! The following statements may pop into your head with annoying frequency in the coming week: "Nobody sees me for who I really am." "Life is a bitch." "Sooner or later, everyone will find out how I've been faking it all these years." "I'll never have enough money." "I'm afraid to change even when I know the change will be good." Now listen closely, Aries: All those ideas are dirty lies. I don't believe in the devil, but if I did I'd say it was he who planted them in your mind. How can you fight back? Wage a ferocious campaign of positive self-talk. Barrage yourself with uplifting affirmations like these: "I face my fears with joyous courage." "I turn apparent setbacks into juicy opportunities." "I answer every criticism with a vow to be my best." "I am an amazingly gorgeous genius with unimaginable tricks up my sleeve."