How to be Completely Miserable for under Ten Bucks.
When you forget what you do and forget who you are and you insulate yourself from so much and the person you want is so far out of reach -- both time and place. You look in the mirror and can't see where the days have gone. Pixels like quicksand and life like a spiral and its all disappearing before your eyes and you wonder .. what.. what the hell are you doing. When all the little boy wants is his mother home and to be tucked in tight and he has to phone for an appointment and ask his father if its okay and you wonder how did things get to the place they're at where you know stuff isn't right but you can't put your finger on it your finger on it but it's not right and it makes sense but it doesn't and your finger can't pin down the nagging and the worst thing is life is to be made a fool of more than twice. When everyone knows who you are when you're hiding but don't care enough to ask and your familiar haunts are traps sucking the time from your face. You want to say you're going you're leaving you're never coming back but you only know that's because its 8:30 pm and you'll be here again tomorrow same bat time same bat channel same lame time wasting shit it's always been. can you go a day? can you? can you?
I nearly typed "if you're lucky you'll be hit by a bus" but I didn't.
my dream my dream my dream is a house, one room maybe two - a sink, fresh water no power no heating just doors and beach and a bike with a wicker basket. A cat but not yours just time as the sun says it is and the sound of surf on a black sand beach and that crazy woman down in the small bach who paints and collects driftwood and buys milk once in a while. Sometimes she gets lonely and will capture unwitting pedestrians and talk at them until they break free. She stares at the cliffs and marvels at the colours. She walks for hours but hardly goes anywhere - her bare foot prints in the sand of low tide. Sometimes she sits on the beach all night between sunset and sunrise. The rocks don't stay warm all night. One day they'll find her there, still and stiff and cold in the morning light, watching cold grey blue eyes at the shape of the waves, but gone.
And then to Feel So Much Better for Free
[mfp] PRIVATELY whispers to ONly slightly busy: yesterday i was feeling so depressed i went to see my goodlookingdoctor Dr Tann and he said he wanted to test my iron levels again so i said "hell, test me for everything cos i had sex last year with a cunt of a man in London" so he said "sure michelle, I'll need to take some blood and we'll do a cervical smear too while we're at it just to add to your embarassment" so he did and we did and i'm lying there on the table with the cloth thingo over my bare lower bits with my ("i'm undressing but i'm not takin' my socks off, Antony" - "okay Michelle") with my socks on watching him put bits of me into little jars saying "whats that" and "why are you doing that" and "will it work this time" (cos it didn't work last time) and he's giggling (in an educated manly way) and i'm interested and he is a good fun doctor (the hair thing really doesn't hurt) and he had the hair thing going on (oh i mentioned that already - he really does have nice hair) and he made me sigh (at his hair) and i would fidget and pick at my face and he'd stop mid sentence and say "you all right there michelle" and i'd say "oh yeh, just fidgetting, carry on" .
Today Dr Tann (lovely man has the hair thing going on and makes me sigh in case you didn't know yet) phoned me and said i was "All clear and by the way I quit, sorry Mish" I said "its me isn't it you're quitting cos of me" and he said "no" and i told him "you're the third doctor i've had in as many years and you guys keep quitting on me it *must* be about me cos it's always about ME" and he laughed and said "no michelle, but you can contact me at blah blah blah etc" now i need a new doctor AGAIN. i go like twice a year thats two visits per doctor.
ONly slightly busy PRIVATELY whispers to [mfp]: *giggling* You're class. You're like me - you're funnier when you're miserable. I feel like I was there - which makes me feel like I've done something wrong - I'm not trained you know? *giggled again* I have to stop doing that - I sound like a chick
(spending time with people you love - thankyou JJ, thankyou Stephen)