The Jamjar

Conversations from The Pod

Stacey: who watches TV3?
Michelle: me, why?
Stacey: Who's Miriana Hond?
Michelle: an attractive reporter.
Stacey: she just bought my top from TradeMe.
Jo: oo what did you sell what did you sell?
Stacey: *holding up a very crinkled, screen-printed sleeveless tshirt*
Jo: well you could've at least ironed it!
Michelle: how much did you sell that for?
Stacey: Thirty bucks.
Michelle and Jo: THIRTY BUCKS??
Stacey: *chuffed* oh yeh, you should've seen what I got for my "vintage" Karen Walker
Jo: what's "vintage" Karen Walker? Old??
Stacey: Yeh!

Lost Feng Shui

The Working Committee for the Smooth Operation of thejamjar.com has filed a report damning the working procedures that have been implemented for 2006. Seems they suck. Seems they suck *so bad* that half the Committee has resigned and the other half has retired to their local Hotel to drown their sorrows.

The official statement from Management claims the new protocols seemed "like a good idea at the time" but "aren't working as expected" and "suck. Suck real bad.." They also mentioned a series of "technical hitches" that have meant updating an online presence has been delayed. Although there are many glitches in processes around the Smooth Operation of thejamjar.com, the basic Feng Shui can't be addressed until the next round of Budget Allocations.

Management, meantime, will be reviewing the Working Committee's findings and formulating a plan to address the issues.

But first, they need coffee.

Things I bet you thought I knew but actually I had no idea

Almonds are from the plum family.

I know! It's freaking amazing the stuff I don't know.

And.. so that makes them, yup - you guessed it - a fruit!
maybe almonds are gay
*ponders*
that's okay
some of my favourite nuts are homosexual.
- macadamias
- pine
- pistachios (<= obviously)

It's not like I would stop my daughter / son (<= depending on golf swing) from forming a civil union with one but wouldn't want one joining my country club.

Speaking of people figuring out their sexual orientation, this Greek chick named Phyllis (<= I'm thinking she wasn't an oil painting) was jilted at the alter (<= cos pretty people never get jilted - or so I've read) by her fiance Demonhon (<= so saw that coming). Phyllis died of a broken heart (<= seems the internet failed to deliver a replacement - damn internet dating) and the Gods felt sorry for their homely Phyllis and transformed her into an almond tree (<= an improvement, possibly) which became a symbol of hope (<= seems being a symbol for premarital sexual experimentation might have made more sense). Years later, after Demonphon had been dumped by his numerous lovers and had returned a dodgey blood test, he returned to Phyllis but found her to be leafless, flowerless tree. He hugged her treelike form (<= talk about Safe Sex) and she burst (<= little pent-up) into flower in a demonstration of a love not conquered by death (<= or something)

Maybe Demonphon was a herbalist / botanist afterall.

Almonds always grow in odd numbers - that's really cool. They are given as tokens of good fortune and happiness for christenings (<= won't get pregnant holding an almond between your legs, Ladies)

Like lots of nuts, and even moreso because it's a fruit - you can squeeze a lot of good stuff out of an almond.
Almond butter.
Almond milk.
Almond oil.
Almond paste (little bit like marzipan - yuk)
Almond flour
Almond extract (for flavouring)
hellovalot more stuff comes out of squeezing and almond than, say, squeezing me.

This post was written as the lamest, cheapest birthday present for my poor long suffering (<= due to her particularly crap siblings) sister Joanne.

Happy Birthday, Jo. Get off the internet so I can call you!

Dumbday Afternoon

You'd think after spilling soy sauce all over my white top and cream trousers at lunchtime, and spending the rest of the day smelling like a japanese bento meal - looking like an expressionist's experiment with neutral use of negative shapes - I'd have a story to tell. Especially when you consider I realised I had forgotten to pay the Wilson Car Park Earlybird Special this morning and had to part with $29 to liberate my vehicle from the clutches of the evil carpark to go home, my dander would be up enough to rant a blog.

You'd think.

blah.

Perfect Valentine's Gift?

How did your Valentine's Day go?

Netguide Awards

Subtle, no?

Vote, baby YEH!

How to making moving house a real pain in the arse to find out who truly loves you

Don't form a plan - First rule of moving badly: do not formulate a plan. Second rule of moving badly - do NOT formulate a plan!

Don't do any prework - Under no circumstances is any prework to be done. This includes collecting packing boxes, wrapping crockery, phoning moving companies or booking trailers.

Don't keep moving - Frequent stops are required. preferably on the sofa and / or bed. Staring at things is a helpful way to make these stops last a long time - it's okay to stare at all the work you need to do but no not make any sharp or sudden movements towards doing anything.

Don't get up early - Even if you wake up at 6am then again at 7am and again at 7:30am and 8am and 8:45am - do NOT get out of bed before 11am.

Don't turn the television off - You might miss a vital and important infomercial or a program repeat. Even if you're not actually watching stuff, it will help give a boost to any stress levels you're already feeling.

Don't label boxes - this goes without saying but also remember, to not pack intuitively. You're not really going to need that hair dryer or those black trousers on Monday morning.

Don't organise transport- toy with the idea of *carrying* everything to your new residence if it's only 5kms up the road.

Don't organise storage - Leave hiring storage until you have all your belongings on the back of your trailer, truck and / or car. This will save you at least one nights storage fee as you'll need to leave said belongings in your trailer, truck and / or car.

Follow these few simple steps and you, too, will experience on of life's most character-building exercises. Remember, whatever doesn't kill you, makes you grumpy and able to test your closest relationships. The ties the bind are the ones that mean the most.

Fingertippings

Sound your horn - that'll move the traffic, yes sir. So many car alarms, so few off switches. I see dumb people walking around like regular people. They don't even know they're dumb. It scares me as much as it scares Haley Joel. How many cute child actors grow up fugly? most - esp. the boys but not Rick Schoder, no siry.

My ear hurts. My ear is 4 years old. It gets achey. It says things like "I don't want to go to school" in a whiney voice. It wants cotton wool to comfort it and bed to cushion it. My ear is a big baby. I don't like my ear. The other one's okay - it's just this one, on the side of my head - attention seeking that's what I reckon.

Someone taped a sign to the office door "[company name] Crache" - what does that mean? do they think we're all babies in here? do they hear us crying in the night? do they catch us napping in the afternoons? It's a joke that I don't get. One of the babies took the sign down. That solves that problem.

Bang crashing tearing building down clouds of dust and rubble changing the face of the city to make it the same as it always is. What fun to swing a digger's bucket face into a wall of concrete and steel over and over until it cracks and breaks and slams into the rest of the brockery in a cloud of dust and noise. I can feel the vibrations through the earth and up the pillars from the energy it takes to tear these structures down. My sternum rattles as if I were at a musicless rock concert. After a while the repetitive sound clenches my jaw like twice a week when the vending machine man puts more coke cans into the slots with one of God's Most Annoying Clatters.

The clicks and the scrolls: annoying. Most clicky clicky working noises but the tapping tapping typing noises means no worky no sir - no one works like that. Ears can tell. Leaky leaky information even when you don't mean to. One man's intuition is another man's confusion as I am learning oh so well here in this place of a thousand voices and no decisions. That's not true - there are as many decisions as voices but no eyes to see the global shape or impact. Look after number one, mind your own butt and cash the paycheque. Move along. All care, no responsibility.

No, I don't know where you know me from. You are completely unfamiliar to me and your constant staring is making me feel uncomfortable. Girls like me aren't used to such scrutiny. You're cute though, I'll give you that but look away and stop trying to place me you're probably mistaken. Your eyes are so dark, how did they get so dark? for goodness sakes, look at something else will you look, pretty clouds! no, really, we've never met before, lets talk about something different.