The Jamjar

Sky over Taranaki

I was thinking about clouds today, and wishing I knew more about them.

Of course I know what a cloud is. I recognise a cloud when I look up into the sky and there's one there. But I want to know more - like how it forms. The structure of the cloud, how the water vapour holds together, the different names for the clouds, how much vapour they hold when they are at different altitudes. And, of course, the ultimate cloud question that has must've dogged scientists forever: how clouds know how to form into the shapes of fluffy bunnies, teddy bears and trains.

Getting out of Dodge

Going to Hell

It seems, I'm too "far out" for Hell and they won't come to me. Those people in my life who told me where to go were right - I'm am going to Hell. I'm going to Hell for pizza.

that has to be the lamest post ev0r.

I was going to write about scarves and how dumb they are. Stupid, dumb, scarves. There is NO point wearing a fluffy pink scarf tied round your neck if you're wearing a crop-top and a mini skirt. sheesh.

Crack maps

Above the chimney tops

i met a woman today at work who was surprisingly wonderous
her name is Felicity
she has long dyed dark red hair in two braids falling over her shoulders
she had the most wonderful, theatrical makeup.. especially her eyes.. soft lines flicking big pencil lashes from the corners
deep red lips and white teeth of a glorious smile
she wore a dark cardigan with the one top button fastened and monogramed with two bluebirds
she had a full skirt that stopped at her knee and lacey patterned stockings and heeled shoes
she looked like a funked-up Judy Garland working her day-job from Oz.

Waiting

Mt Wellington triptych

There's nothing romantic 'bout the hours I keep

Night Lights

Shovels

I was wondering if you could help me.
Sure, if I can. what would you like help with?
Digging a hole.
Digging a hole?
Yes.
What kind of hole?
An ordinary hole.
Not one of those metaphorical holes you dig with your mouth, I hope.
No, no. An ordinary hole. In the earth. Just a hole in the ground.
So you want me to help you dig an ordinary hole.
Well, actually.. I don't want you to help me dig. I'll dig.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to sit.
To sit?
Yes, sit, and wait.
Sit and wait. For what?
For me to dig the hole.
So what exactly do you want help with?
I want you to sit, and wait, until I've dug the ordinary hole.
Yes..
Then after I crawl into it..
yesss..
I want you to fill it in again.

City Night

Movie: The Island

another good.good movie! two in a row - I'm on a roll!

I was going to go to the Academy and see Steamboy but (yeh i should provide you with links but meh, i'm not going to - it's an anime film) but it didn't start til 9pm and my carparking building closes at 9:30pm and I decided to not stick around and watch the Tactical Ops Team do their training exercise: repelling down the side of the building where I work and busting in on our floor (oops did i say that outloud?) after they spent most of lunchtime practicing landing on the roof (we're on the top floor).

Nice Geek Touch: before leaving our Floor to the boys-in-black, the Geeks put a bright pink moving sign on the huge plasma screen we have on the wall - It said:

they went that way >>>>

Actually that's all priviledged information - please don't tell anyone. It's just our little secret okay? ok.

So. Yes. Scarlett Johansson is luscious, and Ewan is all trim and terrific and it's a really good move!

"you know why the Wasp sounds like that?"
"no, why?"
"because we watched Empire Strikes Back and that's the sound the speeders made in Empire Strikes Back and we know what that sound is"
"yeh, they sound like Pod Racers too!"
"yeh"

Movie: War of the Worlds

very.very.good

go see it - not suitable for children - David, you can't go, it'll give you nightmares.

Tip of the Day

The way to my heart is NOT by sending a dozen crude text jokes (and I use "joke" loosely) I don't know who you are but.. you're txting up the wrong mobile.

*not even dignifying it with a hand crafted return fuckoff.txt*

Camo Gear

FQ TOPIC: Depression

FQ1: What's the most depressing song you've heard and movie you've watched?
The most depressing song I've ever heard is Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go Warne". I know there's been a lot of press about Shane Warne's sexual exploits, but I think there's a lot in Ms Dion's song lyrics, in fact the entire song is to blame for his persistant, annoying and crude behaviour. Pull your pants up Shaney, no one wants to shag you, mate.

The most depressing movie I've ever seen has to be Phantom of the Opera. I was unable to leave the theatre during the showing of this film, and had some of my deepest, darkest moments contemplating suicide. I had very limited means though, stuck in Row J of the Wanganui movie complex (complex in that it was hard to find the toilets) and so survived the harrowing movie-going experience but not without the deep psychological scars I still carry with me to.this.day.

FQ2: What's the most depressing place you've been?
That would have to be the Sky City Casino here in Auckland. A more depressing place you'll be hardpressed to find anywhere in New Zealand. Rows upon rows of people shoving their hard-earned cash into slot machines designed to mesmerise and plunderise with no quarms whatsoever. Glazed looks and small white buckets at the ready to catch the coins they're trying desperately to win. God I hate everything about that place. The fountain in the foyer looks like a urinal for a very good reason - the whole place is a toilet!

FQ3: What's the most depressing event in current news to you?
It's depressing to me that the state of the Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt marriage, then the subsequent Brad Pitt/Angela Jolie association makes any sort of news in any sort of newspaper or television news show whatsoever. I don't care if Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch, but I do care that television stations run it on their News as if it were an important story. THAT really depresses me.

FQ REMEDY: List five things you do to make yourself feel better when depression strikes.
1) sleeping
2) not waking up
3) drinking til I fall asleep
4) being asleep
5) not being awake.

Ferry Waiting

Movie Weekend

(david=italics)

Batman Begins
(contains spoilers ooo what a surprise!)

I'd been waiting for this movie for _so long_. I love Batman movies. Christian Bale was good too and hardly reminded me of Patrick Batemen at all - though, like Michael Keaton before him, his chin seemed to grow to superhero dimensions when he dons the cowel. His voice changes to a raspy whisper when he's in his nippless Batman suit - maybe the cowel is a bit tight. And silly Katie Holmes doesn't recognise him even though he has a distinct speech impediment but, given who she's dating these days, "smart" isn't on her list of attributes (Ok, I didn't really mean that - no, really - as much as I don't care about what the hell Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt or any of those other so-called celebrities do in their private lives, I do know that you should take joy where you find it and if Ms Holmes and Mr Cruise have found out that together they can feel that amazing, heart expanding, chest aching, head spinning thing we call "falling in love" then all power to them. It's rare. You can't help who you fall in love with and you don't know how long those feelings might last so.. embrace with both hands and hang on for the ride and the rest of the World be damned)

Where was I, oh yeh..the dialogue annoyed me. I mean, okay, I wasn't expecting cleverly twisting and curling Shakespearian screenwriting but I was hackling at the rawness of the script - it felt like it needed two more rounds to soften and pad it out.

But it was fun. And Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine were utterly wonderful, even if the later's accent was cockney'd-up a few too many notches. I couldn't wrap my head around Qui-Gon Jinn having moved to China, changing his name to Ra's Al Ghul (okay that's a spoiler) and turned to the Dark Side to teach Bruce Wayne how to look believeable holding a sword against a magnificent glacial backdrop (how cool is that hide overjacket thing with the tie wrapped round the middle!) Oh and it was amazing; the ice, I mean - I needed to put my coat back on it felt so cold.

I liked Bruce Wayne's clothes - he was very textured, especially in the gear he wore to walk up the mountain - I guess there were a few Rustic Man stores on the lower slopes or something.

And wow, look how old Gary Oldman got.

But anyway.. good fun movie, especially if you like spotting continuity-slips cos there are a couple of them to spot.

Madagascar

Madagascar is really funny because when my mum tried to help me write this review, she made me laugh so hard I spat my hot chocolate all over her. True Story!

The movie started off with us buying two packets of Jaffas because we are both too selfish and don't like to share one packet between us.

Armed with our individual-serve Jaffas, we found our "allocated seats" (trademark 1976) passing our time until the movie trailers in the time honoured tradition of "being silly" and "laughing at dumb stuff that isn't funny" such as "do I have something in my teef??" and "hissing at the lights pretending we are vampires caught in sunlight" finishing with the Classic "arrgghh I'm going blind!!" as the lights begin to dim.

Worrying about the distorted aspect-ratio of Willy Wonka (heh, you said willy) we both agreed that Willy Wonka seems to have been modeled on Michael Jackson (hmhmm *nodding* *agreeing*) Although both worried and unable to remember Tim Burton's other release (Bride, The Bride, The... Corpse.. Bride) all conversation was banished as the screen filled with the wonderous and greatly anticipated new Aardman Production: Wallace and Gromit's "Revenge of the Were-Rabbit" (it's Terror of the Were-Rabbit - it's the first movie so how can it be the Revenge?)

Onto the main feature...

*I like to party, party* (it's "I like to move it move it, I don't know where you get party from.)

Marty (voice of Chris Rock) dreams of The Wild. He feels the lush savanna beneath his hooves, (he's a zebra, mum.. he can't have grass between his hooves, he's not a camel! That's why I said "beneath" oh, right.. yes.. i wasn't listening properly, carry on) the gentle breeze ruffling his mane. He imagines paradise and freedom. But Marty doesn't live in The Wilds, he is infact an animal housed at the New York Zoo. With help from four psychotic penguins, Marty and his friends: Alex the Lion (voice of Ben Stiller), Gloria the Hippo (voice of Jada Pinkin Smith) and Melvin, the hypochondriac giraffe (voice of David Schwimmer), leave the comfort of their zoo and find themselves in the lush forests of Madagascar and The Wilds Marty had dreamed so long about. They soon discover the truths about the Wilds - you know, the whole Food Chain thing - and long to return to the safety and comfort of their previous existance.

The animation is gorgeous. The textures and colours and movement are all as they should be in this day and animated age. The movie was good fun and had some good laughs.

Madagascar was good. It was funny and pretty adult orientated - though the kids in the theatre seemed to enjoy it but my mum laughed the loudest - as usual.

Fantastic Four

This movie begins with a series of comic book illustrations/pages flickering on the screen (see that speech bubble? that one there.. that says "shut up and watch the movie"?) Fantastic Four is like the Made for TV version of X-Men.

It was good - the storyline was.. good.. ahh.. oh! the ah.. um.. the characters were portraited with flaws and weakpoints rather than all strengths so that was good. yeh. meh, I don't know. it was good.

There's not much to say besides that really - five characters with a connected past all go into space and get zapped by some age-old (the ones that activated life on Earth back in the day) cosmic rays that effect their DNA and cause some pretty weird talents to shine through - one guy (with too much hair) becoming really stretchy and rubbery, another (that bald guy from The Shield which is kinda funny now I type that) looking like something from a cliff face, having lost a finger on each hand and gaining about 1000 pounds in weight.

Fun movie - great second movie for our movie double feature.

We toyed with the idea of tacking War of the Worlds, 11:30pm session and Heffalump (the new Winnie the Pooh movie) 11:30am this morning onto our movie weekend but - meh - we decided that might just appear a bit *silly* and Lord knows we don't do silly *sideways glance at David* eye roll at mum.

There're leftover slices of Hell's Pizza in the kitchen. We'd picked up our order on the way through to Mission Bay's Berkley with the idea we'd eat on the sea-wall or something but by the time we got there it had started raining. After Fantastic Four, we came out of the theatre to find that it had been raining the entire time and, in fact, there was a lightning storm overhead. Spectacular bolts lighting up the sky right out over the harbour and huge thundering booms rolling across the sky. The roads were flooded in some parts on the way home coming high up on the car's wheels. A lot of water falling from the sky and going nowhere on the ground.

MSN Comments

davidc says:   suck
Michelle says: what?
davidc says:    Use of uninitialized value in substitution (s///) at plugins/Blacklist/lib/Blacklist/App.pm line 44. cant leave a comment
Michelle says:    oh yeh.. i don't know what that's all about. I need to.. do.. something.. i guess.
davidc says:
   phone : ring ring ring
   david : hi david here, sup?
   telemarketer : Good morning David, I'm from [some market research company with a name I never remember) and we're conducting a short survey this morning.
   david : oh, sure i'll help with that, can you just hold on two seconds...
   david : (puts phone on desk, resumes work)
   12 hours go by...
   telemarketer is still on hold,
   i can hear them breathing...
   david hangs up phone.

Michelle says:   haha I'm gonna blog that!

Market Research - Not Making the Cut

Thursday Night

Telemarketer: Good evening, we're conducting a short survey and would appreciate some of your time.
Me: Time? how much time?
Telemarketer: Just a few minutes.
Me: how few is few because I really don't have that many at the moment.
Telemarketer: Just a short survey, it's only going to take ten minutes.
Me: ten minutes? that's not short, I was thinking short might be say.. two minutes.
Telemarketer: Ten minutes isn't very much time.
Me: Right now, ten minutes is too much time. I'm going to have to decline, thanks all the same.
Telemarketer: Really, ten minutes is too long? that's not very much time you know.
Me: We've used it up already as a matter of fact, so I'm going to exercise my perogitive and say no, then I'm going to hang up my phone.
Telemarketer: oh um.. are you sur ...
Me: *gone*

Saturday Morning

Telemarketer: Good morning Michelle, I'm from [some market research company with a name I never remember) and we're conducting a short survey this morning.
Me: goodness, I'm getting a lot of you people this week, you're number four so far.
Telemarketer: Today??
Me: no, this *week*
Telemarketer: Well, we're conducting a short survey, it should only take two or three minutes.
Me: okay, go on then.
Telemarketer: Great. Do you or anyone in your household work in any of the following industries - Government or Local Polictics?
Me: No.
Telemarketer: Advertising or PR?
Me: No.
Telemarketer: Media or Market Research?
Me: I'm beginning to feel like I work in Market Research but the pay is crap so.. no.
Telemarketer: Teaching, Architecture or Design?
Me: heh.. yeh.
Telemarketer: Which one? Teaching Architecture or Design?
Me: All three. I Teach part time, I used to work for an architect, and I media designer.
Telemarketer: goodness. what does a media designer do?
Me: I design things you see on the computer when we deliever learning such as - the interface, the elements such as images and diagrams, the way the information flows through a learning program sortof.
Telemarketer: oh gosh, okay. What about the Arts, [something i've forgotten] or Writiing?
Me: ah, my current job is as a techical writer soo.. yeh. Writing I guess.
Telemarketer: Would you say you watch less than 2 hours of television a day or more than two hours of television a day?
Me: I watch less than two hours of television per *week* so.. the former.
Telemarketer: I have one last question for you Michelle, and I'm going to time you and I'd like you to tell me how many things you can do with a brick!
Me: A brick this time? It was a rubberband last time.
Telemarketer: It's a brick, and the time starts.. now, go!
Me: a brick, you can build fences with it, walls, curbs, you can throw it through windows you can ahh.. use it to hold paper down you can tie a ribbon round it you can stop books on a shelf from falling over by using bricks as bookends you can umm.. you can make a coffee table with bricks, prop your wonky bed up with bricks ahmm no I don't know too much about bricks I'm more a rubberband girl.
Telemarketer: Okay, thankyou for your time Michelle.
Me: Bye.

[NOTE: interesting that "building houses" wasn't a thing I thought of to do with bricks considering all those blimin' brick house plans I drew up - silly brain cataloguing, Michelle]

Fluffed and dry

Eulogy

Do you ever consider what might be said of you at your own funeral?

I've been thinking about this lately (for reasons that needn't concern you) and I was trying to sketch out my own and it keeps stumping me. If you wrote your own eulogy to be read at your funeral do you think your friends'd agree with the things you say about yourself or scoff at them?

How about leaving your eulogy in the comments, or better yet.. write mine for me!

"ah yes, Michelle - it was always about her, wasn't it."

Afterbath

Users' Guide: Living in Auckland - Commuting

Traveling in Auckland can be a bit daunting. No matter if you are using a car, a bike, public transport or Shanks' Pony, these few tips will help you "fit in" and look like you were born in the City of Sails:

• One person per car
  
• Stop and wait for a gap-in-the-traffic when using a Motorway "on" ramp
  
• Go Faster when faced with an amber light - speed up the longer it's illuminated, floor it when the light turns red
  
• Follow too close when it rains (though it never rains in Auckland)
  
• Never indicate
  
• Eat cheese and onion toasted sandwiches before boarding a crowded bus/train/ferry
  
• Eat dry noodles and spray them all over your seat - leave for the next passenger to deal with
  
• Don't keep to the left while walking
  
• If you are from another, populous country, walk at least half the speed of anyone else
  
• Do not walk in a straight line
  
• Walk perpendicular to the foot traffic - don't worry, they'll get out of your way for fear of falling over
  
• If you are from another, populous country, and you need to exit a public toilet after you and your friends have occupied all the cubicles for an incredulous amount of time, yelling to each other from inside said cubicles, stop just outside the main door upon exiting and talk to your friends some more - take your time and note that everyone waiting half in and half out the door trying to leave the public restrooms are either invisible to you or of no consequence whatsoever
  
• If you are from another, populous country, stand in the middle of the pavement looking vaguely into space in peak time pedestrian traffic - don't do this alone, you will require between 8 and 12 of your friends to help make a solid obsticle. (NOTE: Make sure you all stare vaguely in different directions so as not to cause English people to think you're a queue and "join in")
  
• If you are a young woman, wear 30-50% less clothes than the weather suggests
  
• If you are a young man, wear clothes 30-50% larger than required
  
• If you are a young woman, walk slower than the rest of the traffic but not as slowly as people from another, populous, country - it helps to txt while you are walking to obtain the correct pace
  
• Wear black, grey, brown - esp. at night while trying to cross a poorly lit road
  
• On no account EVER wear a raincoat - ESPECIALLY in the rain (though it never rains in Auckland)
  
• One person per car!!
  
• Tour d'France lycra (with matching helmet and Olympic-grade bicycle shoes) to be worn when riding a bicycle
  
• When crossing at a "barn dance" crossing (ie: + intersection when all pedestrians cross the street at the same time, including diagonally) change your mind half way across and stop. This will cause people to rear-end each other (and not in a good way) and twist their ankles at the sudden change of pace/direction. See "follow too closely in the rain" (above) NOTE: this is a difficult manuovre and shouldn't be attempted by anyone who has been in Auckland more than half a day
  
• Never make eye contact with *anyone*
  
• Never say hello
  
• Never make eye contact or say hello to anyone *talking to themselves*
  
• ONE PERSON PER CAR!
  

Typical Bulldogs' Fan - Happy with the Ref

Just so you know he ended up being a Happy Camper - the Doggies beat the Warriors yesterday: 26-24. It was *such* an exciting game with an almost try in the last two minutes getting the 12,000 fans at Eriksson on their feet and screaming the stadium down.

Typical Bulldogs' Fan

Sparrows evolved from fish, ya know.

Market Research - Failing the Adult Detection Test yet again

Telemarketer: Good evening Michelle. You've been helpful in the past with market research, and I was hoping you'd have a spare few minutes this evening to answer a few questions for us.
Me: ah, sure, okay.
Telemarketer: That's wonderful Michelle. In the last election, may I ask, where did you place your Party vote?
Me: ah, Labour.
Telemarketer: Okay. Now, if the election was held today, where would you place your Party vote?
Me: ah, Labour.
Telemarketer: Okay. Now, I need to ask, have you or anyone in your household worked in either the teaching or the architectual industries?
Me: ah, yes.
Telemarketer: Okay, who in your household has worked in those industries?
Me: ah, I have.
Telemarketer: So, you're a teacher?
Me: ah, no: I *teach* at a local community college.
Telemarketer: Right, and who in your household has worked in the architectual industry?
Me: That would be me, again.
Telemarketer: Oh, so you're an *architect*?
Me: No, I used to work in the architectual industry - I don't anymore.
Telemarketer: Right. Okay Michelle. Now what I'd like you to do is name for me all the things you can do with a rubber band.
Me: a rubber band?
Telemarketer: That's right, name all the things you can do with a rubber band, and I will time you and see how many you get. Are you ready? Begin.
Me: a rubber band. You can stretch it. You can bundle things together with it. You can ping it at people. You can tie your hair back with it. You can join them together to make a rubber band chain. You can make a rubber band ball. You can write on them with biro. You can stick them to stuff. You can put them into peoples sandwiches so they don't know til they eat one. You can chew them. you can..
Telemarketer: whoa whoa Michelle you have so many *answers*
Me: oh, that's not what you wanted?
Telemarketer: Yes, yes that's what I wanted but I have struggled in the past to get people to answer more than three!
Me: ah well, I spend a lot of time with rubberbands I guess.
Telemarketer: May I ask, if you or anyone in your household has worked or does work in the IT industry.
Me: ah yes, I have.
Telemarketer: I thought you were a teacher?
Me: I teach at night at a community college, I work during the day with computers creating online content, that's part of the IT industry.
Telemarketer: Okay. May I ask, do you or anyone in your household work in the Telecommunications industry?
Me: ah, that'll be me again.
Telemarketer: Goodness Michelle. How many jobs do you have?
Me: well, about 4 at the moment and when you phoned I was sorting out which Uni papers to pick up this semester - so I'm kindof busy.
Telemarketer: Okay Michelle, I would like you to rate the following people on a scale of one to ten - one being that you do not like them at all, ten being that you like them very much okay?
Me: Okay.
Telemarketer: Don Brash.
Me: ahh..
Telemarketer: so on a scale of one to ten.
Me: um.. I don't know.
Telemarketer: so a five?
Me: No, um.. well.. I don't know who he is.
Telemarketer: You don't know who Don Brash is?
Me: Well naturally I know he's a politician. and Um.. I have heard of him but ah.. I don' t know what he looks like and I don't know what he does.
Telemarketer: ...
Me: Can't you ask me some more rubber band questions?
Telemarketer: Thank you for your time this evening Michelle.
Me: bye.

Evening

I was walking down Queen Street on my way to the ferry tonight
and this young man said "excuse me"
and so I stopped thinking he needed help
cos there are a lot of people in town at the moment because of the Rugby Tour
and he said "i was wondering if you could help me, could you tell me
where I can find the pretty girls, with shoulder-length brown hair,
big black coats and beautiful smiles?"
and I said "well, back there but you'd better hurry cos I think
they've almost run out"

Conversations

He said, I can't believe I told you that
I said, I'm glad you did
He said, I knew you were a deviant
I said, you hit the nail on the head
He said, she may be younger than you
I said to myself, and prettier and thinner
He said, but you have the power
I said nothing
He said, my heart hurts
I said, feel every inch of it
He said, it doesn't hurt as much as last time
I said, pain is pain - it always fucking hurts
He said, every emotion is important
I said, he was right
He said, it's over
I said it's not over til it's over
He said he liked Gameboy
I said I couldn't play it for nuts
He said that's really cool
I said I couldn't find the right pen
He said he said to always be yourself
I said what he said wasn't necessarily true
He said what would you say
I said follow your heart
He said see you Monday
I said probably Monday week
He said, you're going to shine
I said I'm sorry I wrote on your arm
He said, don't be; I liked it.

26 things - July 2005

discarded
sunday
sleep
round
light up
important
profile
unkept
impressive
layers
eat
celebrate
clear
baby
six
stamp
faux
photographer
publication
storage
floppy
parking sign
entertainment
mixed bag
aged
down the street

from Sh1ft.org.

Michelle says: what is it when you anticipate a problem in a project?
Jåmës says: err "time to leave"