The Jamjar

He put the 'Ty' in thrifty!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): July is Reinvent Your Family Month, and
today begins Home Improvement Week. Your short-term assignment is to
beautify your sanctuary. Get rid of stuff that tends to keep you locked into
sterile memories, and fill the place with fresh symbols and accessories
that make you excited about the future. That should get you in the mood for
the more demanding task, which is to change whatever needs to be changed
in order to create the exact family feeling you have always wanted. (read your own)

It's like it was "meant to be" - my stars read that I need a lot of home improvement on the day I discover Ty. It seems it is meant to be. Cheeky, spikey and good with his hands - did God make him especially for me because I've been such a good girl lately?

I have so!!

Two things I don't have that other people have: pictures of their cat, and an "about" section. And seeing as an About section isn't coming any-time-soon, here're cat pictures. I don't have a cat but I know one - she pretty much hates me but she sure in heck loves that troll doll.

GOD DAMMIT.. I want this RIGHT NOW. When I bought my Mac this was $10,000 more expensive than it is today and i want it RIGHT NOW. I don't like the look of the new flat panels from Mac, plus the 30" weighs a ton! (well, a dozen kilos or so) and my trinitron's making funny click-cricketing sounds that only mean one thing - it will die the same day Totally Mac sells their last discounted flat panel display to some_one_else.

Condoms and Cellphones

I wanted to make a comment about this story in the Herald yesterday:"School says sorry over students' pre-ball condoms" but couldn't form my sillyputtywords into the right shape - so just listen to Nandor Tanczos cos some of what I wanted to say, he says.

EvErY ThInG HaPpEnS 4 a ReAsOn (17 yr old girl):
   i think it was a good idea 4 edgewater to hand out condoms, its better because their school dus have a nasty rep, you should see some of the dominatrix shit the girls wear to the balls...they're honestly planning to do something, the school just doesnt wanna be held responsible for their drunkin moments resulting in pregnancy.. honestly, the outfits i saw on some of those girls...i cant believe they were allowed in to the ball.. all teenagers want it, and on ball night everyone gets fucked....in every way.

And as far as this article in the same paper, I agree but "Where people have a reasonable expectation of privacy, they should have legal recourse if they are secretly photographed when they are in a state of undress, or engaged in sexual activity.." the roof of the Stamford Plaza, lying around in skimpy bathing costumes, with limbs akimbo, surrounded by high-rise buildings is *not* a place to expect reasonable privacy - neither is your room if you push your naked partner up against the window and "take her"* from behind.

*yeh, i'm really sorry there was no photographic evidence of that but I was so shocked for the entire 20 minute erm..performance.. I didn't grab the camera.

New Music

David: I hate the word "orally", it makes me just *shudder*. I don't mind "verbally" though.

So I go to Sounds all the time and look at the CDs. This whole downloading music from the internet never appealed to me - in part because I can't search my way out of a wet paper bag to find the music to start with, and downloading with a dialup connection is a pain in the butt even if the music is erm.. *free*. I mean, yeh I'm totally about paying full price for CDs so the music industry get's all its money and stuff yeh RIGHT ON.

So I visit Sounds a lot because I like buying CDs. I don't like buying lots of things - I don't like buying clothes or shoes or cars or houses or groceries or petrol, but I fully love buying CDs and books and plastic containers and makeup.

So I visited Sounds today with just enough spare cash to buy one CD. I'm doing okay so far working for myself but I'm a bit skint til Friday so I only had enough money for a few essentials: milk, bread, chicken, lamingtons and a CD to get me through the week. I'd already purchased the first four items on my list of life's basic needs and decided the treat of new music to work by this evening would be good.

So normally when I go to Sounds I have money. I often go in looking for something in particular and end up buying nothing. For instance: going in there a few weeks ago to buy a Weezer album because I've always liked them and never had any of their music. I liked the Sweater Song and Buddy Holly and el Scorcho to name a few but they were across albums not all on one and I was feeling buying four Weezer albums was a bit over-the-top so I didn't buy anything. Or going into Sounds to buy Warren Zevon's last album and not finding *any* Warren Zevon albums and leaving in disgust. That's pretty much how my "going to Sounds" goes. Look for it - find it/don't find it - change-my-mind/stomp-out-in-a-grump.

So today I went to Sounds with the decision to buy 1 CD. I started at the door with Avril Lavigne - yeh, that'd be a good one. She's cool, her music's cool, i have a few tracks of hers on my iTunes and having more’d be great, yeh *pick that up*. Two steps into the store I see Franz Ferdinand - that video on high-rotation on C4 is cool and the tune Take Me Out is catchy, yeh *take Franz Ferdinand CD and put Avril Lavigne in it's place*. Few more steps in the door and there's Linkin Park's Meteora. Damn, that's a damn fine album, I'd really like that I have most of their stuff on iTunes but none from this *pick up Meteora put Franz Ferdinand in it's place*.

So I am in Sounds and so far made it in the door to the New Zealand music section. Bic Runga, GoldenHorse, Katchafire, Shihad Pacifier, Strawpeople arg! Decide that's just suicide because there are so many CDs there that I want I'll move further into the store and browse near the back of the shop.

So I am in sounds and there it is, THE album, the BEST OF or DEFINTIVE COLLECTION OF or ESSENTIAL or WHATEVER Weezer. 2 disc set for $49.95. DAMN. I have $30. TYPICAL. I pick it up I put it down I pick it up I put it down. It has all the songs I’ve heard and liked. I pick it up I put it down. I can’t afford it. Moving right along and look at these Radiohead CDs, sure, I have them all but these are NEW and CLEAN and NOT SCRATCHED. I pick them up I put them down. I pick one up that is all in Japanese and want it so badly without even knowing what-the-heck is on it. I put it down.

So I am in Sounds and becoming agitated at how many good CDs are here and I am only allowed ONE! There in the P section is a new Proclaimers CD, Born Innocent. Well, Okay, I have no idea if it's new but I don't own it. I'm a huge Proclaimers fan. Must_have_all_the_albums. I put the Linkin Park CD in the Proclaimers slot and take the Proclaimers the two steps to put it down where Warren Zevon's final album The Wind used to be because now it's in my hands. But wait - Zevon, Weezer. I have the Weezer album in my hand again. Zevon. Weezer. Radiohead. Proclaimers. Linkin Park. Looking back up the alphabet at all the albums that have caught my fancy since walking in the door all out of sequence now and all calling me to buy them.

So I am in Sounds and I am frustrated and annoyed. I can only buy ONE album and there are easily 12 I want. All I want is one to listen to while I work. But today on a day when I don't have enough money to buy everything in the world I see a bunch of CDs I would love to own.

So I am walking out of Sounds without a CD in my hand. I am striding with purpose and decision. I pass other CDs that I suddenly see that I've never seen before. I slow fingers brushing plastic cases with "ooh I love this guy" or "ahh I love singing this" with a few "oh man I've been looking for that" but I keep moving. It’s too late now I'm in that place, that frustrated place where I have made my decision and I'm sticking to it dammit.

So I'm back were I started and I pick up Avril Lavigne's new album from the front of the Sounds store. Rounding the New Zealand music section trying not to hear Bic Runga or Goldenhorse or Katchafire calling for my attention, ignoring Strawpeople and Shihad and Radiohead I stride confidently up to the counter. I smile at the boy there and offer him the Avril Lavigne CD case and say "ahhh.." and he looks at me. "ahhh.. " He raises his eyebrows and I realise all Sound's boys are cute but this one's the cutest. "ahh.." and his fingers are on the CD case and mine are too and we're both holding it and suddenly I snatch it away from him and with one determined finger "be right back" zoom back to the front of the store to put Avril back and grab the Franz Ferdinand CD. "this one!" I say as I arrive back at the counter.

So I have been to Sounds today and bought 1 CD to listen to while I work tonight. It's self titled by a band called Franz Ferdinand and it's okay.

shlimazl/shmozzle

Schlurking around the interweb today, pawing over Green Fairy who had a link to the BBCnews and an article concerning the translation of words and what are the most difficult. Top of the list was the word "Ilunga" which means "a person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time". Both Rosie and I agreed this seemed to translate well enough but I suppose 1000 linguists can't be wrong.

Second most difficult word to translate is "shlimazl" which is Yiddish for "a chronically unlucky person". I found this most interesting because many years ago my sister and I saw an infomercial for a "shmozzle" which sounds so similar.

We phoned the 0800 number to find out more about this "shmozzle" because the infomercial had the strange effect on the both of us, giving us light-headed, uncontrollable giggles. I'm glad the lady who answered our call wasn't an ilunga-type otherwise she might have grown tired of our inability to articulate our questions on the phone due to the shortness of breath the shmozzle infomercial was having on us. Turns out shmozzle is a Yiddish word meaning "to clean the middle of the roof of your car" for only 4 payments of $39.95 [unless you called within the next 15 minutes and they knocked one WHOLE payment off the purchase price] you, too, could have a clean car roof and no arm strain.

Shmozzles must be very rare because I couldn't find one on the interweb.

Chris says...

"i have just bought the biggest castle in the boring kingdom and am *expanding* it to suit the new levels of boredom to which i have reached."

Trag-e-dy

"A drama or literary work in which the main character is brought to ruin or suffers extreme sorrow, especially as a consequence of a tragic flaw, moral weakness, or inability to cope with unfavorable circumstances."

You were right to use that word afterall.

Same Again?

My head has the dull ache of Montieth's Black and loud music. We started at the Provedor - me arriving with a 12" Chicken Fillet Subway Sandwich - all class! Split it with Mitch as she caught me up on all the "goings on" at my old work. And hooo-nanny there's been some "goings on".

After a while our group grew and eventually we left the Prov to see if we could get into Lenin's Ice Bar around the corner. Of course we didn't have a reservation and the wait was over two hours so we flagged that and spent our cover charge at The Loaded Hog. I'm not a big fan of the Loaded Hog - it's too big and loud and meat-markety but we had a fair enough time there. I piked around 1am and went home, leaving the hardy partiers of our group to the rest of the evening.

When I fall in love.. it will be.. completely

I read this and now I think I'm in love. Well, of crush anyway. In my eternal quest to fall in love with every hetrosexual male on the internet, I stumbled into Lost Pilgrim after slinking over fishboy>sarah>caribou [all fantastic sites] to linger at the site that I have dedicated my morning to.

Meanwhile - Photo Friday's theme is Clouds, which I couldn't photograph on Friday because my theme/email arrived after the sun set and now the sun is up but I haven't done it yet because I'm still in bed with the lostpilgrim *see above*. It's all kind of annoying because the actually *attraction* of such a thing as Photo Friday is that it is done and posted ON Friday. I'm not much interested in slurking around for a week to find THE perfect picture - hell, anyone can do *that*.

You have to have deadlines people. Like 26 Things - a list + a deadline = the fun of PRESSURE and the highs and lows of any project whether it be 30 days or 24 hours or the next 30 minutes. Not this rambling sort of <Voice ="Neil from the Young Ones">oh anytime you like in the next week it's okay</Voice>.

I want the anxious wait for the start, the mental preperation. The thrill as the project starts and the rush as the planning and brainstorming take place and I realise I can take hold of this beautiful beast-of-an-idea and make it my own. The adrenaline induced frantic eye movements looking for the perfect shot/scene/frame/metaphor. The sharp pang of panic when I forgot what I am doing and wander off to read some of the interweb or colour-in some pictures and now I'm behind.

The feverish self flagellation when I remember how much I hate deadline driven projects because they show up all my faults and shortcomings but not this one, not THIS time. With a renewed sense of purpose and drive but with the same sack full of tattered talents and skanky skills the task still seems feasible, if only I don't eat/sleep/do-any-thing-else between now and when it's due.

Cresting the moment of deciding to present what I have because, quite frankly, it's all I've got and I'm exhausted and I suck and no one cares anyway and my house is a mess and my batteries are almost flat and I vow I will never, ever, do this again, ever - I post my picture/submit my painting/send my project and fall into bed hoping for sleep perchance to dream to find I've consummed so much coffee and I'm so depressed I can't actually find that place where my mind shuts down and stores and reorders my thoughts and memories and lessons-learned and I lay in my bed with the soundtrack of "Why You Suck You Stupid Bitch: The Musical" playing over and over and over.

After a while the memories fade to soften themselves into nostalgia. I eventurally look at my work with a fondness and an uneasy sense of something else I can't quite remember so I forget. I forget. And all I remember when my photoFriday email/sh1ft.org newsletter/nanowrimo prompt comes by is "oh yeh, I LOVE doing these things!

Photo Friday - Clouds

and I Got... ev'ry thing that I want..

Crikey there're some good music videos around at the moment - and some of the very best are from New Zealand!

I don't know anything at all about Yellowcard except I like their video "Ocean Avenue" repetitive theme very much.

Infectious, bouncey and homegrown, Fast Crew have made a joyous quirky video with the release of "I got...". I love everything about this video especially that one of the guys opens his mouth as wide as he can to get all his words out - and am fascinated by the checkboard dance mat - is it the same one from Steriogram's "White Trash", the Boost Mobile advert on tv and Scribe's (can't remember the name of the song) video? or does The Warehouse sell these checkerboard mats really cheap? :)

Op Shops latest "No Ordinary Thing" is just beautiful, 3D animation - the colours, the ideas, the execution - I can't get enough of watching it. I heard the boys interviewed and the brief they gave the designers was to make something that included a the world exploding in reverse and a video where the viewer always got something new from it every time they watched it and by joves, the designers managed both things! and of course the song rocks as well.

I can't help but sing loud to Hoobastank's "The Reason" and hereby apologise to anyone within listening distance. It's SO singable! I like the video too - and watch it whenever I can. It reminds me of website interfaces for some reason. That worn/weathered look of the back of the store and in the vaults is similar to the look of cool sites in various corners of the interweb (and maybe in a Jar near you this Summer)

"Ride" by The Vines is awesome by the very thought of so many drum kits all playing at the same time. I'd LOVE to hear what that sounded like before they overlay'd the clean track. Watching all the bands rocking out is really really COOL.

As everyone knows, I don't know much about music. I only listen to music in the car, and hardly anywhere else except when I bust out singing a chorus or wrangle the karaoke microphone off whomever has it and won't give it back - but I do like a little C4 most days because I love watching music videos and these are definately worth a look if you haven't seen them yet.

I have no proof

I can't upload pictures, so even if Colin Greenwood (Bass - Radiohead) had agreed to a quick photo as we waited in the queue in Snappy Snaps at lunchtime, I couldn't have put it on here. He was very nice though:

"Do you mind if I say no? I'm in a rush."
"of course not, sorry to ask."
"It's fine, sorry - I'm Colin."
*handshake*
"I know"
*handshake*
"What's your name?"
*handshake*
"I'm John."
*handshake*
"It's nice to meet you John."
*handshake ends*
"And you! I love your music."
"Thank you very much - bye then."
"Bye"

Thank God I wasn't all star-struck and crap about it.
*mutter*

My Core Competency

Click here to learn more.
PS: I can... like.... upload files to thejamjar server and stuff *rubs hands with glee*. Oh, the untapped possibilities!
PPS: I obviously, however, cannot scan to save my life, even (to borrow your favourite metaphor) to find my way out of a wet paper bag with a book called "How to scan" and a flat piece of high-resolution artwork and a scanner that scanned by itself and you only had to press a button and it would scan the artwork for you and turn it into a perfectly web-ready jpeg [all these things would be inside the wet paper bag] and I suppose there'd be a desk, too, and a computer and a keyboard and a two-button mouse. Where was I? oh, leaving, that's right.

Note to Self

Don't look at stars before breakfast - you know trying to see them in spatial terms freaks you out.

So I'm not sleeping - yeh yeh I'm going to make a graph to try'n plot if there's any pattern. I went to bed and I was warm and clean and blah, nothing. I turned the laptop on for a while and chased fishboy around the interweb [i'm a good stalker he didn't even notice] but even that didn't wear me out. I turned the lappy and the light off and tossed and turned and tried so hard not to check the clock over to see how long I'd not been sleeping. I still need my 8 hours [10 hours/14hours including intermission] sleep but when I get off to a late (2am/3am) start getting the 8 hours becomes difficult (it's just a matter of schduling in the end) I did dream though - always with the dreaming - I can't describe it because my dream environment was very ordinary but was IE version 6+ compatible but wasn't online and that made so much sense then and absolutely none now.

Waking up to the telephone this morning I've been up an hour already and out in the world and stuff. I'm going to eat breakfast and start my day - my plan is to work hard all day, breaking at lunch and _go_outside_ for_fresh_air_- I might drive over to Ed Brown's for coffee just to get out of the damned house. I had this thought that being inside working/fartarsingaround day in day out is what my problem is - if I get OUT and move AROUND and BREATHE I should be able to sleep tonight RIGHT?

right.

Hail, Baby YEH!

Are You Ready to RUMBLEEEE

It's that time of year again - Test the Nation and no, i didn't have anything better to do because I like taking tests, filling in forms, circling my answers with a sharp HB pencil and marking my results with a red biro oh yes sir I had a GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

I did worst in vocabulary which won't surprise ANY of you. Blimmin' anagrams - I can't unscramble a word to save_my_life. Though I surprised myself by doing well at the numerical section and poorly in the spacial section - I would have thought the reverse would've been true.

I scored 124 IQ - heh! it hardly shows!

Deciding to input my results into the online version of the test I managed to stuff it up and get my a's and b's tangled with my c's and d's and scored something like an 80 IQ so we won't be counting *that* against me.

Yawl can take the test yourself by going onto the site and registering - you americans? you can't cos you'll drag our National IQ down and skew the results.

!!

well I thought that was funny.

Wow...

What a fabulous photo.

Hippy Burpday 2 Ewe

I am trying to write about my brother, Wayne. I'm having trouble, though. For all of my growing up, my brother and I didn't like each other. We fought constantly. Sometimes physically*. I'm pretty sure it stemmed from jealousy - I was jealous of him, always saw him as my mother's favourite. After my father died I didn't feel I was anyone's favourite, although my sister assures me I was the *most* spoiled child of my generation. It's all about perception I guess.

So, my brother and I fought. All the time. I have no memory of us interacting** and not fighting. I have no idea how my mother stood it - sending us to boarding school might’ve helped but I remember how much my brother hated it there and wanted to come home. He was at a boys-only Catholic boarding school, and looking back it's horrifying to think what went on there that made him *so* miserable. Might explain why he's not too keen on a family who made him stay there for years.

There are lots of theories and supposings about why my brother is the way he is, but none of us know because I don’t believe anyone's actually asked *him*. Partly that's his doing - he's very hard to find, and we're not a family who talks about "stuff". I think the closest anyone got was my Aunt phoning him last year and saying something like "we don't care if you're gay, or a druggie" to which he chuckled and said "maybe all of the above".

After he left school, he worked as a Fitter/Welder in New Plymouth - steal-capped boots and swarfegga'd hands - just like his dad. After he squirreled enough money away and did a bit of travelling before he went on his big OE to Europe and England. The infrequent letters/photographs were the only clue he was still alive until one day he came home to New Zealand. He went to Wellington and did a chef's course and then became one. He's really very good. Working his butt off with rarely fewer than two jobs he settled into his life in Wellington with a routine that saw him with very few possessions but many, many friends.

I visited him a few times and we actually got on really well. I told him about some of the things I'd done and he decided I was okay. He told me about some of the things he'd done and I realised how little I actually knew about him. But in our typical Park way, we never talked about anything *important* just a lot of shite and beer and laughing. We spent some time with the Park side of the family one New Years, and it was wonderful to see him so relaxed and happy to be there. He gets on well with the cousins and they adore him and all say “he's such a Park”, and “he's just like his father”. It was good. He was good. But then suddenly he'd had enough and said "Shelley, lets go" so we did. We drove up to Auckland and he stayed the weekend before going back to Wellington on the train. Plenty of opportunity to talk about all sorts but mostly we listened to the cricket and didn't say much at all. I realised then that all those years of fighting had nothing to do with him, or me, but something else. That after a whole childhood of battling each other, we are in fact alike in many ways. That drive from the Bay of Plenty back to Auckland made me realise that I love my brother - and I'd never realised that before. He's a good and talented man.

It was good, but it was too late - not long after that he decided to shuck New Zealand for Australia [still don't know why – again, didn’t ask] and move to Melbourne. and now there's no time to talk, even if I knew what to say.

He flew out from Auckland, driving up with friends from Wellington to say goodbye first to family in Taranaki, then to spend a tequila-filled weekend in the City of Sails and say goodbye to the rest of us. I haven't heard from him since, but then again, I haven't tried to contact him. I managed to lose his email address and he's not a computer person anyway so doesn't have any sort of internet footprint.

My young cousin Janine Park took my challenge to find him in Melbourne last year and did so with relative ease working in a café/restaurant called the Greasey Joes in St Kilda. They got on like a house on fire - but then he has always been more at ease with the Park side of the family and loved seeing her again. She recognised him instantly because, well, he's a Park!

But he remains elusive. He'll talk to family if they call him, he'll have a beer/coffee with them if they visit. But he never initiates contact with his us here in New Zealand. He is a good man, and has many friends who speak highly of him, and tell stories of him that surprise his family which reinforces the fact we don't know him at all well, and for whatever reasons he doesn't share himself with us to any real degree.

We love him - well, I won't assume - I still love him and sometimes I miss that he's not a little bit closer because I'd quite like to have a meal with him occasionally.

Happy Birthday, Wayne.

*I remember the last "actual" fight we had. It was over the stereo. I had moved it into my bedroom, not even thinking of anyone else. It was the only record player in the house and I'd just taken it and set it up in my room. Of course, Wayne didn't think that was fair [and he was completely right] and wanted the stereo back in the lounge so he could use it. The fight went from yelling to him trying to drag the stereo back out of my room and the two of us grappling each other. Usually, I could beat him, between my verbal abuse and age I was always a bit stronger/heavier - but somewhere between last time and this time he got so much stronger. He would have been 16 to my 17 and before long all I could do way lie on him and hold his wrists and that's all I could do, my bodyweight pinning him and we were at a stalemate, both gasping for breath. There was a moment of stillness, then he HEADBUTTED ME! I couldn't believe it. He smacked his brow into mine with such force I let him go and stood up to feel my head and he made his get-away. While I was rubbing the rapidly growing bump and realising my nose was bleeding I heard my mother yell from in the kitchen "SHELLEY, STOP PICKING ON YOUR BROTHER!"

**I actually have a memory of feeling protective of my brother when we were late to school once [i think we were late to school a lot, actually.. my reports from that time always had "punctuality?"] - we went to a school that threatened to strap children for doing things like walking on the grass and being late to assembly. Every morning the school would line up in classes and we'd hear the notices or rules or whatever, then we'd march back to our classes to "76 Trombones" and begin our day. Wayne was only tiny, maybe 5 or 6 and tearful at being so late. I was worried too, but managed to keep the tears at bay and shush him a bit quieter so only his big fat tears slide down his face with his soundless sobs. I managed to sneak him into his line as it marched back to class and then get into mine without getting into trouble. See? maybe I was a good sister once and a while.

The Suck

It didn't rain - I got to yell lots. But we lost - again. Suckimoto.

You can see from the photo how many empty seats there are - they used to be full every home-game last season. But each week with each loss the fan base stays away. And me with a season pass. Last season and the season before if you were late there were no seats, now you can sit anywhere you damn well please. Nah, I like having a season pass and I like showing up to the home-games and I like yelling at the opposition and I hate watching my team lose but I love watching them try or not try - anyway.

Starbucks coffee is truly awful. The one I got from Starbucks, Westfield Plaza Pakuranga was so hot I couldn't drink it, THEN when my tastebuds finally encountered the much hankered for latte grande they were so displeased they made me leave the entire concoction behind a pillar in the car park.

Horrible stuff.

I made the effort to drive to Botany to get a decent cup at Ed Browns - it was worth the detour.

Photo Friday - Fashion

OMIF

Oh man, it's Friday - how did that happen? Actually, I thought yesterday was Friday so that might account for the disorientation.

I thought, instead of starting the next phase of my project [deadline hurtling towards me at light speed] or doing my dishes [how do I use so many when I don't even remember eating a meal] I'd recap a couple of previously successful thoughts with a tiny bit more information.

Firstly, box jellyfish. As you know, by following thejamjar relentlessly for years: box jellyfish are a species of tiny poisonous sea creatures that can cause at best: pain and discomfort, and worst: death and damage Australian tourist economy [in the case of the irukandji flavour of box jellyfish]. But don't panic Mr Mannering, all is not lost. A team at Standford University School of Medicine have developed anti-jellyfish-sting cream. Of the 12 brave volunteers, only 3 were stung after the box jellyfish tentacles [from jellyfish found off the coast of the USA] were drapped over their cream-covered-arms compared to 10 stings on the uncream-covered-arms [ow]. Although Lisa-Ann Gershwin said she wouldn't be "wading nude into North Queensland sea wearing just the cream anytime soon" it's got to be a step in the right direction if our waters are becoming increasingly full of these pretty little stingers.

[I like square brackets]

Secondly - fish. I know you think about them as much as I do. All day, I think about fish and all night, I think about fish and.. okay that's not true but I've often compared myself to a goldfish - based on the story my sister told me about goldfish having a 6 second short-term memory - swimming around in their bowl happily rediscovering their little plastic castle every 7 seconds. Sometimes I feel like that - but that's MY problem and not my fish-genes as it turns out - fish are more intelligent, with congitive and memory powers that, according to Clever Fish: New Scientist 12 June 2004, "match or exceed those of "higher" vertebrates". [!!] Seems they "use tools, build houses and, above all, have an impressive ability for long term memory".

That means, officially, a fish is smarter'n me cos I can't use tools, build a house and my long-term memory is shocking.

Maybe it's not so much that we're overfishing, or the populations of whales and seals are over eating, but that fish are learning to avoid being caught? Nah, ignore that, it's that we're overfishing, you only have to see how those deep-sea-trawlers work to know how much damage they're doing to the sea and seabeds of this planet.

Aliens and Ferris Wheels

I had two widescreen technocolour dreams last night. The first was a thriller, the second was science fiction. In the thriller I was a boy, and in a ferris wheel carriage with someone I knew to be the baddie, but knew the baddie didn't know I knew he was the baddie. But then it all went to custard when he tipped the both of us out of the ferris wheel carriage at the top of the ride. The baddie was holding onto a chain and was kindof tied to the carriage as well so was in little danger of falling (he'd planned it you see) and all i had to hold onto was fishing nylon - and I knew I couldn't hold it for long!! I knew someone was coming to help because I'd confided my suspicions to this person I just had to hold on long enough. The baddie still didn't know I knew he was a baddie before he turfed me out of the carriage and so had no clue help was coming. But help was taking a very long time.

The second dream was set in furturistic New Plymouth. We were in a bunker-like complex overlooking the Tasman Sea, with huge wheat fields behind us. This time I was a woman, and I had an 8 year old daughter. She was out playing with her friends and I was working in the tower - we seemed to be a monitoring station of sorts. I noticed four water spouts out at sea, and as we watched them (monitoring their progress) a huge shadow fell over the facility. Like a cloud over the sun, but looking up and out of the huge wall of plateglass we saw it was a huge craft.

Aliens - I didn't see THAT coming. They somehow docked (for want of a better word) with the window and they were like.. pinky octopussy kinda thingies but we knew, they'd come for the females - they wanted to take all the females and were killing the men and taking the women and female children onto their ship. Lots of running and hiding and me trying to get to the field where my smart daughter and her friends had decided to hide. It was all a bit "planet of the apes" down there. That's about when i woke up.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Harry Potter's Godfather is Gary Oldman!

Remember the good-old-days when I'd go to the movies, take photos and write reviews say stuff about them. Don't remember that they weren't great reviews stuffs, or that the pictures where blurry and my camera'd shine a bright-red-dot on the screen to alert the authorities to my taking unauthorised still pictures of their moving pictures. Forget all that - remember the joy of hearing my opinion of the movie and having it sway your plans to either now go, or not go. Remember that power I had?

I don't have that power anymore.

I just went to Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and I liked it. Go to it if you like. I'm still not going to Troy, though. Not that Harry Potter has anything to do with Troy, I just thought I'd let you know.

There - that's an award-winning-post if ever I've seen one.

Was I *ever* interesting, because this working-from-home-never-talking-to-anyone-with-my-voice thing seems to be doing things to my imagination - it seems to have shriveled up and all but disappeared. I say "all but disappeared" because I imagined how horrible it would be to be shagged by that revolting penis mentioned in the last post and i think whatever imagination neurons I had left promptly committed suicide.

Gary Oldman, eh? Who'dve thought a) he'd look vaguely attractive in a children's movie and b) he'd get to marry Robin Wright. What *was* that black stuff that oozed from his forehead in the Fifth Element anyway? was that concentrated evil or concentrated yeast extract?

Rosie's getting into the swing of not being at work - she's been sending me phone pxt of places she's at (beach) and things she's eating (lemon curd thingie) so I am not entirely shut off from the human race in my tiny office with no Legolas posters. Rosie bought a Legolas poster for the office and was very nice enough to let me keep it. Unfortunately, it disappeared off the office wall before I could bring it to my home. I accused everyone of stealing it, insisting on full cubicle searches (oo i say) nerry a single Legolas was found until Rosie [click here to learn more about Rosie] found that it had actually just fallen off the wall and behind a desk and so she's bundled it up and I need to collect it from the office. Along with my coffee mug, and my noodle bowl.

Blu-tac is crap.

Smurf droppings.

[sorry I didn't mean to say that]

um: ew?

"Measuring 28.5cm (about 11 inches) - allowing for shrinkage caused by pickling - Rasputin's penis displayed in a tall glass bottle is, to put it delicately, a big attraction at the museum." .. more at The Age

One Day, but not Today.

It's beautiful and sunny outside, and cold and dumb inside. Well, okay, it's not dumb but I sure in heck don't feel like working - and how is today different from any other day, I hear you ask - well it's not, and I'm so *over* this working-for-a-living lark. When I grow up, I've decided I want to be one of the Idle Rich.

If I was one of the Idle Rich, I'd still be asleep right now. Tucked away in a silken nest dreaming dreams of the Idle Rich and waking up when I'm ready to and not one moment before. Upon waking, I would be lifted lovingly by my minions, my expensive night clothes carefully removed from my body and then gently immersed into softly scented, deep, perfectly temperatured waters of my bath. After my body is clensed and refreshed it's ready for the day. Towel dried and exquistly dressed in weather and fashion appropirate attaire, my minions would stand on the steps waving goodbyes as my car crunches the gravel driveway of my country residence, safely whisking me to my first appointment - brunch with my fascinating idly rich friends.

We'd drink coffee and eat mouthwatering brunch foods smothered in maple syrup. Why? because we can. The Idle Rich never put on weight. Extra (creme fresh fraiche [thanks Sam]) crème fraîche [thank you, JJ] Madam? why yes, I think I will. We'd laugh overly loud because we're awfully funny. We have opinions on the price of gold and the shocking diamond market latest offerings from Apple and the coolest trends on the Internet.

After a while, I'd be bored and need to shop - because as funny as my fascintating friends are - they're not *that* funny. My driver would take me to the most exclusive stores and carry my purchases of clothes and makeup and jewellery. After such an energetic morning, I might feel the need to nap, so George (he's my driver) would take me to my downtown apartment where I can kick off my Italian leather shoes and lay back on my imported leather couch and snuggle under my mink throw and sleep until I wake up ready for a late lunch with some more fascinating idley rich friends.

Dinner would be a late affair with so much laughter and expensive champagne - the idle rich are this city's bread and butter. We'd talk about where we are going for the summer/winter/tennis/skiing/computer conference this year/next week/tomorrow. We'd say things like "never to to Paris at this time of the year" and "you simply must see Africa after the rains" "oh yes, I bought Google on Tuesday" and "My new G6 arrived - they made it pink especially for me" - because being a geek is way cooler when you are idle and rich.

*sighs* one day, Wallywhoppy, one day. But not today. At least I have the first part of being one of the idle rich down pat, now I just need the "rich" part.

26 Things

July 1st, 2004 - It was fun the first time 'round so I'm going to do it again. You can sign up here. My effort last year ended up being 2.8Mb - I'll try'n be more efficient this time. At least it will be *cheaper* this time round with a digital camera instead of paying processing costs - mind you, I think I take better photographs with an SLR than a digital. I might load up the polaroid and take some shots with that too - it's so unpredictable it might be interesting.

As God is my Witness..

I will never drink tequila AGAIN!!

I'm still hungover - at the back of my mind and the pit of my stomach and the snap of my temper.

I bought a new pair of sneakers today - and that's about *all* I could manage today. The intention of working in the afternoon was replaced by the need to sleep. And I did, like an afternoon log until a telephone woke me and dragged me back into the day.

This story made me cry. What the hell was an 11 year old boy doing in Tokanui.

Little Monkey

Gawd, I can't believe the pictures on my camera this morning. They are - without exception - some of the worst pictures I've *ever* taken. Every_single_person has red-eye whether they're looking at the camera or not!

to kill ya

good night
um
4:25am i am home
that's okay, right?
i had a pie - pies taste best at 4 in the morning
what a nice night
teaching kevin to foodge
you could do worse things in your life

Frying Pan Love

TVs n' DVDs

I watched Secretary last night. It was my whipped potatoes/four peas suggestion from E. Edward *fishboy* Grey. And it was fine - I mean - you now, it was nicely shot and efficiently told and Maggie Gyllenhaal (pronounced 'jill en hall') has the prettiest, most expressive face - especially her mouth - and James Spader was good too and it's good I mean, yeh.

But I was expecting it to be dirtier, or erotic, or sexy and it wasn't any of those things. A friend of mine said "when Hollywood does 'kinky' its a bit like Sesame Street with a whip".

I dunno I mean, yeh, see it, it's worth seeing and it has some funny bits and it's interesting and it's loving and it's shot well and all that jazz. And again, as with Lost in Translation, it's so nice to see a movie that doesn't cast the _entire_ world but concentrates on the relationship between two people.

The real highlight of my night though, lay on the television. I'd forgotten Expose: America's Fattest People was even on until my sister mentioned she'd been looking forward to it. This documentary (for want of a better word) was about Houston, where over 30% of the population is obese. It started off with a woman who was 5'2" tall and weighed 275lbs. She didn't think of herself as big as she was until she made a life size wire frame of herself, and upon seeing the proportions of herself asked her husband if she really looked like that and he thoughfully considered the question and told her "yep, it's pretty much on the money". Later she was saying she drives her kids to the bus stop which is a nice mom thing to do until you realise the bus stop is 50 feet from their house. She talked about never having the sensation of feeling full, or satisfied with food - she also talked about being like an anorexic in the way their mind distorts what they see in the mirror. She said when she looked in the mirror - even though she knows she's overweight, she doesn't see a fat person.

The next woman was truly huge. She weighed in at 625 pounds - she looked like a ocean-of-woman with a face floating on top. She couldn't look after herself, she needed home-help, and she couldn't walk anywhere on her own and had a modified electric wheelchair to get her around town. She introduced herself and said there had always been obese people in her family - on both sides - admittedly, she said, she was the biggest but then again, she said, she thought she was also the prettiest.

She seemed confident - as nearly all of them did - she talked about how she still felt like a sensual woman and that she was proud of who she was. She showed two "Glam" pictures she'd had taken in sexy attaire - the first was a three quarter shot of her in a black bra and a feathered hat, shot with soft focus; the second she was dressed in an all-in-one black lace ankle-to-neck affair (she described it because the photo was only a torso/head shot) wearing nothing beneath the lace. This was her evidence she still felt she was a sensual woman. I had a sudden urge to know if the People of the North used nets to catch their village's winter stores.

Later, when she was talking to a friend over tacos in a local restarant, she admitted that the men she met in the personal adverts seem to think that because of her size they could treat her and talk to her anyway they pleased and that she should be grateful to even *have* a date with any of them. Her large-but-not-quite-as-large-friend-with-bad-taste-in-hats agreed that "there were real preditors out there". Again, my mind turned to the frozen North and traditional hunting grounds of the Inuit peoples.

They followed a guy too - he was 265 lbs, if I remember rightly - he was a professional eater. Said he'd tried driving cars competitively and never won a race. Tried racing boats, and had never won a race. But, he said as he showed off all his trophies - he wins eating competitions all the time. He's been banned from two all-you-can-eat restaurants in Houston because - well - he can eat a LOT! As with the woman who drove her children to the bus stop 50 feet away, he admitted there's no way he'd walk to his letter box. He would always coincide checking his mail with driving past the box which is 20 feet from his front door. He ate out nearly all the time, looking for all-you-can-eat places and if-you-can-eat-this-32-ounce-chicken-steak-it's-free places.

There was one young woman who was tired of being overweight so had opted for the dangerous and drastic operation to staple her stomach. It showed her later in the show ordering and upsizing pizza for dinner. She was the only one who admitted feeling tired and sad that her weight was out of her control. She also worried about her son who, at 11 years old, weighted 168 lbs.

Becoming Invisible

I mean.. sure.. I lie sometimes.. like that time I told the lady at Telecom Directory I was blind just to make her feel bad but hell.. I wasn't lying THIS time when I told the Service Station Guy that his service station had refilled my gas bottle several times before today - it's the only place I go to to get my gas bottle filled and this is like the 3rd or 4th time this winter - so suddenly they're refusing to do it because the bottle has expired in January.

I am beginning to think that a) no one's listening to me and b) when they do they instantly disregard what I'm saying.

"Michelle? How do you [insert something they don't know anything about]?"
"Oh, well, you [give answer to how to do the thing they know nothing about]"
"Are you sure? that doesn't sound right."
"yes I am sure, based on my experience and the fact i did it yesterday I can tell you that's exactly how to do it."
"I'm sure that's not right. I'm going to go ask someone with a lot less experience and intellect than you possess and see what they say because, although I personnally don't have any idea of the answer I am almost postitive you are wrong."

Jåmës:   why did you tell the woman at Directory you were blind?

Michelle:   i wanted a phone number.. and she said "its in the telephone book!!" and so i said "I'M BLIND I CANT READ THE TELEPHONE BOOK" - she felt bad and gave me the number which, incidently WASN'T in the phone book

Jåmës:   you'll burn in hell for that one

Michelle:  in for a penny, in for a pound

Jåmës:   yeah, all the cool people are donw there anyway

Michelle:   at least you'll be there

Jåmës:    well I'd look bloody stupid wandering around in heaven, really sheepish cos I've spent my life saying 'doesn't exist'.

Michelle: you can just carry on saying it doesn't exist even when you're there cos if you're like ME no ones listening to you ANYWAY

The Morning After

I feel so much better this morning than I have in a while and it's all down to having finally purchased a set of in-trays. I'm not entirely sure which tray is in, which is out and which is pending, but at least they're here and have the potential to be used properly to keep myself in order.

Their purchase sparked a desk-and-immediate-area sort-out. I can't say the kitchen/lounge area was straightened up after I finally purchased a decent frying-pan* because I don't think my life is quite that simple. At least I cooked and ate a hot meal last night.

My personal feng-shui is such a delicate thing.

*my frying pan's a film star.

Bulleted Update

a) trying to figure out a title for posts is becoming increasingly difficult. It actually stops me from posting here - which is typical of my personality but stupid at the same time. New Policy involves typing the title last which is weird to my sequencial mind because the title field is the first field on the page. Writing the title last is probably what everyone else does anyway or they've already crafted their post before they even sit *down* at their computer and have a title already formed and appropriate but as you know from previous word dumps by me here at the 'jar - that's not the case.

b) I went to the movies last night: The Day After Tomorrow with Denis Quaid and Jake Galen.. Galend.. Galendathal.. hold on *googles* you know.. the guy from Donnie Darko *still googling because I'm a slow Googler* Jake Gyllenhaal. Geeze, I was going to mention how he looks so much older than the part he's playing and here it says he's 24 - no wonder he looks like a man! He looked a hell of a lot older than 15/16 in Donnie Darko and now 3 years down the track he looks considerably older than the 17 year old he's playing. They should have made him a college kid and Denis Quaid and Sela Ward could just admit they had him young.

PS: his sister, Maggie Gyllenhall actually played his sister in Donnie Darko.

c) I still haven't had my ankle x-rayed. Mostly because I know the doctor's either going to confirm I've cracked the bone, or say I have ripped the muscle. Either way, he's going to say "Keep it elavated and rest it" and that's all he's going to say and I hate giving money to doctors at the best of times. It doesn't hurt to walk on - it does in fact hurt to NOT walk on it. If I have to sit for a while it begins to ache until it's unbearable and my leg goes a bit numb. I'm guessing blood flow problem there, and if I elevate it it just aches. It's been a couple of weeks but i can't tell if it's getting worse, or if I'm noticing now where I was too busy to notice the first week.

d) I meant to say in b) that I enjoyed the global warming disaster movie last night. I've always enjoyed "end of the world" type scenarios - although TDAT felt more like an advertisement for Halting Greenhouse Gases by the end of it. I especially liked the special effects. The Empire State Building snap freezing and its windows shattering was pretty darn cool. We've seen the Statue of Liberty and the City of New York cop a lot of disasters in the movies over the last few years. Between Godzilla and meteorites, I've gotten kind-of-used to seeing Yellow Taxi Cabs being tossed about like cardboard cutouts, and terrifying walls of water/reptile/explosions coming up behind me in my side rear view mirror.

I loved a British TV series back in the mid/late 70s (I think) called Survivors. In the case of Survivors, a mutant virus devastates the Earth's population so quickly no one has time to do much but die. The cities become full of dead and the survivors push out into the countryside and gather in small groups trying to survive and build a community. Another called Threads explored life during and after a nuclear conflict proving the British really do "bleak" better than anyone.

e) This weekend is Queen's Birthday Weekend - that gives us today (monday) off work. I've actually taken the entire weekend off and haven't done a thing worth a spit all weekend. I slept all day Saturday - getting up only to go over to Greg's place for pizza (that stuffed crust stuff is nasty) and watch (or try to, his tv is stuffed) Master and Commander (bor ring - due in part, no doubt, to the fact there was no R in the R G B). I went out shopping with Greg yesterday to replace his television with one that has all the colours in the tv rainbow. We left the techos of the house to put the new tv and dvd together and went to the London Shed to join Sonia and Mike and watch the Warriors beat the Canberra Raiders (I hate those guys) - their 4th win from 12 games this season (it's been a bit rough). Then back to Greg's to see Fear Factor lamest episode *eva* (family fear factor is just dumb) so zipped off to the movies (the above mentioned movie) then home to my toasty bed and more sleep.

I thought I'd work today - being self employed public holidays don't really hold much water - but I slept in and so now I've decided to continue the theme and do nothing for the rest of the day. Maybe I can fashion a business model for doing nothing for a living. Nah, too much work.

f) Email rules. That's not so much a cry in the street as an attempt at organising my inbox. Trying to get all the spam into one folder is turning into an artform. Deciding to change my tack and have everything else go into folders so only spam is in my inbox and therefore easier to delete. I get so much of it and don't know how to make it stop without paying my ISP who will, instead, send me a note saying "we deleted this email because it was spam" every five minutes. My comments here at the 'jar are beginning to be spammed too. Even my PO Box gets mostly unsolicited mail and brochures. Spam is everywhere and i hate it SO much.

g) I've decided to entitle this entry "Bulleted Update".

Phone Sex

Beautiful Boys

It's a curse, really - having to work with intelligent, witty, good looking people. I don't know how I manage to cope having to gaze upon such perfect creatures day in and day out. And to think, they're not even PHOTOGENIC.. to gaze upon them with your own eyes in the full light of day is enough to blind the unprepared.