The Jamjar

This is it. The reason,

This is it. The reason, I've decided, i've been weird lately. Well, to you I've been weird. You can stop telling me to smile or cheer up. You can stop noticing I am in a *mood* and you can stop worrying about me. The reason, I know, in my heart of hearts, that I haven't been myself, my usual cheery self, if, in fact, that's me, is because of tomorrow. It's Alan's birthday - or it would have been, had Alan still been alive today, or tomorrow. Or any day.

I miss him.

Plain and simple. driving home last night in tears - not the safest mode of transport - realising what I've known that tomorrow is his birthday and how much I miss that bloody man. And now i'm leaking again. And remembering him. And .. you know what? he liked me. no truly liked ME. Not because he had to because I was his sisterinlaw or because he was polite.. but because he felt comfortable with me and because he liked my company. I remember him taking the midnight bus. yes BUS from Auckland to New Plymouth to come to my 21st party. and he bought me a present.. and LP.. remember those? Men Without Hats. He liked me. And I miss him. every single day I miss him like I miss my father. They shared the same name, you know. and died at the same age. and that's just too much for one michelle to bare. And thats the reason there can't BE a god to do that to a person twice. in one lifetime. To force a lesson on a girl is just plain mean.

So its his birthday tomorrow.. and Alan's worst fear was to be forgotten.. and I promised him he wouldn't be. I promised him that i'd love him forever and that I would go to his grave and remember him every year, and that 's what I'm doing tomorrow. I'm going to sit on the grass of his grave and talk to him with tears streaming down my face, cos he always tolerated that from me. And tell him all the things that have happened since the last time I sat there. All by myself. Because he liked me and was the one, and only reason, I stayed in that family so long. Without him, there wasn't any point.

He asked me, with his last breaths.. not when he was dying,.. but, if you know cancer you know.. the strength to speak goes long before you die. He asked me over and over "what are you going to do" and i thought.. does he mean me and greg? does he mean just me? wendy said he worried about my spirituality. I don't know.. I told him.. no matter what, i would be okay and he wasn't to worry.. that I would try and do things as well as I could and I would look after Greg and he wasn't to worry - but he did.. and kept on asking what was I going to do. I don't think I understood. and i miss him.

But he worried. because he liked me. me. just me being me. one of the few people who ever did. really truly liked me all my faults and all.. and lord knows he say plenty of my faults.. i was never at my prettiest when I was with his family. And he loved my children. Loved them like they were his own. He was the best Uncle in the world and he left us all too soon.

And I miss him.

And the night he died.. when his parents felt it wasn't a proper place for his nephews and nieces to be... and they made me send them home. I was bundling them into the car outside on the street on such a still quiet evening.. and I stopped.. and looked up at the moon and the night sky in a moment held in time for no good reason and I felt joy in my heart. The spell was broken by a voice saying I ought to go inside, because something was happening and i rushed inside not even aware of the small feet that crowded around mine and followed me in from the car. To find the wailing and the facing away from people.. and the body on the bed that didn't even look like him anymore because in those brief moments he had gone.

And how proud I was of him.

And how much.. how much.. how much I missed him.

I wasn't his wife. I wasn't his friend, I dont' think he would have said I was his friend. I was his sister by marriage. And I loved him dearly. And I could tell him everything and nothing. And he loved me back. And.. I miss him.

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'sup my scrollies - links

'sup my scrollies - links you to the funniest giggly site I've ever seen outside the Chronicles of George.

Walking back from lunch with Rosie, and trying to think of something to write about in here. It's not that nothings happening in my life..but right now it seems that work is taking up so much of my mind, and it has done for so long now, I can't squeeze anything else of any interest out.

*drumming my fingers on the homekeys thinking.. i could talk about knitting? no. um. my flat? no, that sucks. OH.. I know!*

Kristy's pregnant! now that's very interesting. Due in early May 2003.

There, I did it. I found something to tell you. Now I can go back to work.

*later on*

so, its nearly 6pm. Its quiet in the office, I'm the only one here. The afternoon was productive and pleasent - the insanity of the morning taking the lift to the ground floor around midday. Talking with the new guy and listening to ideas, has left me feeling hopeful and excited in a mildmannered geeky kind of way. He has that effect. After our one-on-one meeting the other day I felt a lot better about things, and I noticed others leaving his office with more of a spring in their step. Confessing/unburdening/whatever.. I'm sure he was feeling a lot less so with the extra weight he had to carry with all our words spilling out. He seems a good egg. Level. Solid. I asked him how he was finding New Zealand (thats a kiwi expression.. of course he had already *found* New Zealand, he's here) and he grimaced and shrugged and looked out the window and said "you are all weird" and that made me laugh. I guess it is a culture shock - we speak english but thats not enough to be the same. He seems to be liking it well enough, for now. Has plans to stay, for now. I hope he finds the kiwis he encounters nicer than the ones that Kiki met - some of us are really really horrible. The other new guy, younger, blonder, taller, faster.. has the same intense listening eyes. It's rather disarming to have someone actually listen when you speak. But then, saying that, maybe he's finding our accent difficult to get used to.

I've been feeling let down. Let down by people not doing their jobs properly, and let down by not doing a better job of my own duties.

I keep typing and deleting. .. I guess I'm unsure how to put how i feel into words, and also unsure that this is where I should be putting them.
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'sup my scrollies - links

'sup my scrollies - links you to the funniest giggly site I've ever seen outside the Chronicles of George.

Walking back from lunch with Rosie, and trying to think of something to write about in here. It's not that nothings happening in my life..but right now it seems that work is taking up so much of my mind, and it has done for so long now, I can't squeeze anything else of any interest out.

*drumming my fingers on the homekeys thinking.. i could talk about knitting? no. um. my flat? no, that sucks. OH.. I know!*

Kristy's pregnant! now that's very interesting. Due in early May 2003.

There, I did it. I found something to tell you. Now I can go back to work.

*later on*

so, its nearly 6pm. Its quiet in the office, I'm the only one here. The afternoon was productive and pleasent - the insanity of the morning taking the lift to the ground floor around midday. Talking with the new guy and listening to ideas, has left me feeling hopeful and excited in a mildmannered geeky kind of way. He has that effect. After our one-on-one meeting the other day I felt a lot better about things, and I noticed others leaving his office with more of a spring in their step. Confessing/unburdening/whatever.. I'm sure he was feeling a lot less so with the extra weight he had to carry with all our words spilling out. He seems a good egg. Level. Solid. I asked him how he was finding New Zealand (thats a kiwi expression.. of course he had already *found* New Zealand, he's here) and he grimaced and shrugged and looked out the window and said "you are all weird" and that made me laugh. I guess it is a culture shock - we speak english but thats not enough to be the same. He seems to be liking it well enough, for now. Has plans to stay, for now. I hope he finds the kiwis he encounters nicer than the ones that Kiki met - some of us are really really horrible. The other new guy, younger, blonder, taller, faster.. has the same intense listening eyes. It's rather disarming to have someone actually listen when you speak. But then, saying that, maybe he's finding our accent difficult to get used to.

I've been feeling let down. Let down by people not doing their jobs properly, and let down by not doing a better job of my own duties.

I keep typing and deleting. .. I guess I'm unsure how to put how i feel into words, and also unsure that this is where I should be putting them.
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New Guy: Do you

New Guy: Do you guys have a smart media card reader around here?
Me: *blinks*
Me: Like, for digital cameras?
New Guy: Yeah
Mish: *holds up floppy disk* These are the smart media cards our digital camera uses

(okay i stole that off slightlybewildered.com but its funny cos its trueeee)

*mish is havening trouble thinking of content these days.. stay tuned*
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I had a plan. I

I had a plan. I did. I swear. something interesting happened to me today I'm sure of it - at the very least I thought of something interesting - a hook - a jam for my jar. But blowed if I know where it went.

Happy Birthday Rosie.

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): No

ARIES (March 21-April 19): No more sour desserts for you,
Aries. No more lovable danger or stylish sickness, either. In
fact, once you get the hang of rejecting all the double binds that
have squeezed you recently, I predict you'll also say no to
crippling luxuries, barren discipline, stupid truths, wasteful
desires, and irrelevant courage. The liberation that erupts in the
wake of these rebellions will no doubt make you hornier than
you've been in weeks.
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Spotted today half-way-up Quay

Spotted today half-way-up Quay West, this woman saved money on gyms and treadmills by running back and forth on her balcony.

I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work anymore.
anymore.
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Todd was kind enough to

Todd was kind enough to take me to a play this evening. Stones in His Pockets was a play at the small, steep Herald Theatre at the Aotea Centre. The many characters were played by two men. At first, I worried that the characters weren't clear cut enough for me to tell them apart but once we got into the First Act it was clear which characters were which. It was a good play and a lovely evening. Todd and I ate asian at the Strand and I tried really hard not to talk about work :)

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Best *found* chat, left by

Best *found* chat, left by two darling friends (they are my friends and sometimes they are friends with eachother):

klie says to truck: are you ready to rock
truck says to klie: yep. and how!
klie says to truck: well let me show you
truck says to klie: gasp !
klie shakes head at truck: do this really fast

Jonathan proving New Zealand is no where near Belgium: "Hello? I'm speaking English, not Belgium'ese."
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Monday night.. is it over

Monday night.. is it over yet? My inner child is rocking fit to burst. I hate being this far out of my comfort zone. The weekend was really lovely, but far too short. I spent it at Greg's place while he was away. I took my computer and we had a mini-LAN and it was lovely. Upgraded to XP and my computer looks 5 years younger! The monitor is still doing weird things, I think it's on its way out. Damn shame, I love it so.

Drinks with the boys on Wednesday if it all goes according to plan - Chris and Todd and that guy Pete [maybe] and maybe Jonathan too. Sonia might show up but with all those lovely, interesting, good looking men I wonder why I invited anyone else when I could have been the centre of the universe. Todd phoned today, he started his new job today and seemed happy but of course, he was missing us - I could hear it in his voice *grins*.

Work is Mad. It's a long week already. *working smarter - calling in sick*

Her: My daughter wants to buy a Mac.
Jam: Thats good. Macs are good.
Her: A G3.
Jam: Oh, yep.
Her: You know what that means?
Jam: Yes.
Her: Are they good?
Jam: Yes, Macs are good.
Her: Better than PCs?
Jam: Well. That's debatable. They're more expensive than PCs.
Her: Whys that?
Jam: Cos they're better?
Her: so she should buy it?
Jam: if she wants it, yeh.
Her: how much should she pay for it?
Jam: gosh, I'd really have no idea.
Her: yes you do.
Jam: no, I don't.
Her: you must know, you bought a Mac.
Jam: this is a second hand G3?
Her: yep
Jam: nah, I have no idea.. I know what the new Macs are new, but not an older Mac, secondhand. I wouldn't know.
Her: you must know.
Jam: I don't know. They don't even make them anymore, do they?
Her: yes they do.
Jam: but they've been superceded twice at least since then. surely they're not still making G3s.
Her: yes, they are.
Jam: how do you know?
Her: Because we've been comparing the prices of new G3s.
Jam: so... why are you asking ME if you already KNOW
Her: cos YOU HAVE A MAC.
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Guess where I am blogging

Guess where I am blogging from.. guess.. go on guess. No, not home. No, not work. YES, I am Blogging from the local McDonalds! A few weeks ago they installed four internet connected computers here, they call it CyberConnect. Mostly, only kids use them to play games online or to surf their fav. sites or to MSN. The adults 'round here don't seem to have any inclination to log on or maybe they don't know how. But, its kinda cool - they have these in Aussie too but from what I've heard the USA seem to be dragging the fast food internet connectivity chain.

Its a beautiful sunny day today - one could quite confidently say "summer is here" for the whole day. Girls have sleeveless tops on and Boys are out skating. Cars and clean and polished for the weekend and there is colour in the world again.

I have to work this afternoon, but Simon has connected our computers so at least I'll have company. We really are such geeks. Happy as Larry networked together and surfing and he's fiddling round in my directories. Hopefully I can reformat tomorrow if I get all my backing up done.

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I pulled up at the

I pulled up at the Beaumont Street parking place and the barrier arm was down. It didn't raise as I inched forward, and the Parking Guy didn't hear my car as he was walking up the driveway. I tooted my horn a little. He turned and came back. "why you not come when I in the booth?" he asked in his broken but clear English. "cos I wait until you've locked the booth and are walking away before I come in!" I said and he laughed. "where you been? you not been here long time" he said, I told him how my car had died in Rotorua and that I'd been getting a lift in to the City with someone but now my car was fixed and back and I would be parking in his place more often "good" he said "you park over there" and pointed. "the Reserved for ACP Media parking?" i asked " the, near-the-gate parking??" "yes," He said "you park there, I take good care of your car."

Eight weeks and he still remembers me. Jonathan says it's because of my long rambly answers to his questions - and he's probably right. It was a weird day in that I had a few people at a Client's site who said things like "yes, you're michelle? I've seen you round" or "yes, I know who you are, you're michelle" when i don't know them at all. I can mostly remember people I've met - usually not their names but definately their faces - but I didn't know the people who said these things to me today. weirdness. When I worked at Aztech, some of the guys down at Huntly used to call me Ms Aztech. "how're you today, Ms Aztech" "want to share lunch with us, Ms Aztech" that kinda thing.

Maybe I have a sticky aura.

A year ago today I started working for this Company. We had muffins for afternoon tea to celebrate the occasion, and they gave me a beautiful bunch of flowers. All I can say, besides thankyou, is to give you all a tip.. and it goes something like "oil the squeaky wheel" cos I've been whinging about it being a whole year since I started for so long they had to muffinise and flowerise me to shut me up ! thanks guys.

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You know how Homer Simpson

You know how Homer Simpson sometimes gets confused about what he thinks and what he says out loud? I did that today. When the cute guy at the curry place gave me my curry-to-go, I meant to say "thankyou" but instead I said "oh god, you're so cute".

When I first starting working for my first job in multimedia (and I've probably told this story before, I have a habit of holding on to moments and torturing those around me by retelling them over and over) we had to deliver part of a CBT to a client. I had only been working there for about 8 weeks as an assistant, doing this thing and that thing as required. We delivered the product - me along for the ride to "experience" this phase of the development. The client ran the program on site, with their production team and my boss all puffed-out-chest-proud. And the errors started.. and the files didn't run.. and there were spelling errors, and then it stopped working all together. I looked up and my boss who had been snuffling and edging towards the door had suddenly found somewhere he needed to be and there was I, his assistant, alone with the unhappy client and a very broken program. It was horrible. I vowed that would *never* happen ever again if I could help it and there would be more control about testing before a product left our office and I also realised, I wasn't the assistant if anything was going to get done to any degree I would just have to try really hard to make it happen.

Today, it sort of happened again - but not to the same degree - but not far off it. And for all the same reasons - tight deadline, rushing, not enough checking, the team not all on the same page. This time, some of the blame can lie on Macromedia's woeful documentation but only a little bit because we should have tested on a client similar machine before we even got to site. Understandably, the client isn't very happy. We have a "plan of attack" to sort out the problems, but it's a real shame they exist at all, and hopefully I'll remember not to let them happen again. Often, when budgets and timelines are tight, testing is the first area to be cut back but it is *always* false economy to do so. You lose time and face and neither can be regained.

I am very busy at work. We're all very busy - staff numbers are low due to a couple of different reasons. I've hired a person for a week to do my job because I just don't have the time to do it myself. It's going to be nice having another designer in the house. For a little while, at least: I will be a department.

And Rosie? (the project I'm talking about in the paragraph above isn't your big one, its my little one) and James too for that matter... I've been meaning to write and I will I truly will. I miss you both and hope you're having a wonderful time.

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Winter might be on it's

Winter might be on it's way North, if today is anything to go by: big blue sky, the chill in the air has gone and the temperature feels decidedly transitional. It's been warmer at night too. Another month or so and I get to complain about the heat and humidity: whoo hooo !

You know when you're busy at work when you have to hire someone to come in to do your job because you have no time to do it yourself. It's sort of odd that the contractor'll get to do the part of my job that's the most fun - making the graphics. I get to do the cranky side - testing, client contact, liaising, figuring. I'd much rather sit in the corner and colour in but there you go, can't always get to do what you want when you want.

I went to see the movie, Signs on Saturday night. I'd decided a while ago I wasn't going to see this movie, but the choice of movies is a bit thin-on-the-ground at the moment and I ended up at the 7pm session. In some ways it was better than I expected - m.night.shyamalan has a really interesting eye and the cinematography and the 'temperature' of the movie was just wonderful. The micro perspective of world events and the attention to detail of the characters and their surroundings was really well done and, I suppose, is the real talent m.night.shyamalan brings to his films. The script was efficient and well written. The story dealing with the family was well contained and retold - my interest was held through until the end. Shyamalan is good at "unfolding" information. The thing I *really* didn't like about the film was the whole "these aliens don't like water" thing. If I had been these intelligent, aggressive, planet hunting aliens, I would have chosen the planet I wanted to invade a little more carefully. I t sure did take them a long time to figure out Earth is two thirds water. They might remember to look out the windows of their spacecraft before entering a planet's atmosphere - our oceans are pretty visible from space.

So the idea that Signs puts up: that there are no coincidences is a very interesting one when I think of how this evening worked out.[oh, that reminds me.. the lift stopped suddenly twice today and when i left tonight, it got stuck between ground and first for a while. then took me up to the top floor before travelling back down to ground.. weirdness.. i wish they'd fix the thing] We have a tight deadline with onsite testing tomorrow, and I burned a CD of work to do tonight to help meet that deadline plus I sent the file home too incase there was a problem with the disk. Not only was the disk corrupt, the email never showed up. Weird huh?

Well work is really busy, but we can only do what we can do, and try not to stress overly. Today I hired a woman to do my job because I don't have time to do it. Hello, finally, I am a department !

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So the jamjar has had

So the jamjar has had a bit of a makeover. It has dodgey links and faulty content, so watch where you are stepping. Achives are a bit shakey: Projects and Teatime are nonexistant: Parklife will expand to include all the old stories it used to hold from all you crazy peoples who do crazy things then tell me about them.

New month, new life, new start, new design - fresh start.

I've had a time lately, when a couple of people have used what they've read on these pages to hurt me. I considered taking the entire thing down and walking away from everything here. The thing is - I like tinkering around in my corner of the web. I like pouring words onto the screen and taking photograhs of things that catch my eye. I like trying to draw Grumpy Graphics Girl and most of all, I like being able to look back and read myself and see where I've come from and remember those I've met and things I've learned. I guess the risk I run with putting some personal information is that some people will use what they know and what they learn in a negative way. Many people keep their online/offline seperate from each other. I don't. The people in my everyday life read this - people I work with, my family, my relations, my neighbours, my classmates. People who sit next to me everyday at work, on the ferry, across the table at Christmas and you know what? it doesn't matter what you decide to say about me, because people who know me - know better.

Thankgoodness for the rest of you who just use it to keep me company.

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