The Jamjar

I wrote and saved this

I wrote and saved this file as 36.html yesterday and yet it is gone. Go.. Geocities. I am not here much longer.

So it's boxing day and this year is banging ahead splendidly. It's quiet and I am alone and will be until Freya gets here. I phoned my family yesterday. Even spoke to my mother, so see, I can be a good girl sometimes. My brother is going to stick around until New Year so we can visit and Christopher is there too and thats just very cool bananas. Kristy and Emma'll be around so its just gonna be a really nice couple of days. I wonder what Freya'll make of my family. I wonder if they will be normal for her.. i bet they will be cos they suck at being abnormally polite for any length of time.

I feel the need to bang on about content again.. so I think I will go and shower instead.

..later..

I am clean, but it seems to have taken hours. I watched lame tv and plucked my eyebrows after finally locating my ever invisible tweezers. I have a message on my phone to return video rentals. Yah.. well.. I am always late.

Online Diaries. I guess this is one on account there is a date at the top of each page. Diary suggests something secret and undermatressy. We who document our thoughts and daily events in this format online want our diaries to be read. So they are personal but not private. But all of a sudden, there seems to be a 'diary boom'.

Last year, was it? yes.. last year Freya and I had a giggle over a few months putting up a page together, which still holds some good stuff. Part of that site was a diary. Each wrote seperately, sitting next to each other. Before that I had scooted around the web looking at a few of the 'diary' rings that had clustered together. Mostly they were pretty boring. Words and words and words about what they had had for breakfast and who was going out with who (whom) etc etc.

With the advent of diaryland.com the interest in keeping a diary has seemed to have exploded to the point nearly everyone I know online has one. Some are good, some are personal, some are actually private. I wonder if it's a fad though. The hysteria of gathering net-real-estate. I have noticed on my little circuit of diaryland stops that some are being updated less often, some have stopped being updated at all. And no, I don't think it's just the time of the year.

What are the good things about keeping your diary online? For a start it means you are updating your webspace regularly. Adding fresh content which is essential to the evolution of the web. It's great to have an audience. People who are attracted back again and again to see what you are up to, rewarded in doing so by new, fresh content. Because let's face it, its all about connections, isn't it? Writing things down is good for the soul too. Getting ideas on paper, so to speak, to sort thoughts out, and to revisit over time.

As a person who is accused of spending far too much 'time on line' I have to say, internet addicts often have the most boring of diaries. Just like a website, it's author has to be receiving fresh updates and new content and stimulis constantly. We need to be getting up out of the chair and hurtling around the world bringing the interesting stuff back, filtering it to give it our own flavour then publishing it with pixels. Those on my diary circuit do that. Their content is freshened and perspectivised often, even if they too are accused of sitting around in front of that damned computer too often. heh, we are borderline.. but we pass.

okay I lost my thread then.

I want to add to my Parklife section with an hilarious story about my sister and the art of living in the moment. But I can't capture the images of the event in my head. It is by far the funniest thing I have ever heard out of her mouth. Maybe I should record her and put it up as a .ra or something. I doubt she would let me do that though, maybe i could bug her phone or something *thinks*.

She was telling me all the ways I have ruined her life. I had no idea. She has at least five seperate "how shelley ruined my birthday" stories. I was amazed. (i am not going to beable to remember all five, and she's gone to the beach so I can't phone her and have her confirm, but I will give it a bash..)

...apparently at one of her birthday parties, I organised the games. I can vaguely remember spending a lot of time getting a treasure hunt arranged and supervising it and being chuffed that it was successful. Her version of events are the same as mine, except from her perspective I stole all her friends and she ran away from her birthday party. I didn't remember that part. She said no one had noticed.
...I had no idea, but according to Jo, every year each of us in turn received a 'big' present for christmas. Jo said it was her turn for a big present as I had got one the year before and Wayne the year before that. I am gonna have to get back to you on this one.. i can't remember the specific details.. I'll find out in the New Year and update this
... we were given a doll each for Christmas. Now the facts are fuzzy, I always believed I was given the brown haired doll and Jo the blonde. The neighbours stole the blonde haired doll on Boxing Day and shaved its head and poked it's eyes out and I found it in a box down in the creek about a week later. My dad punched their dad in the mouth. However, Joanne doesn't recall all the details as I do. Yes, she said, we each received a doll for Christmas, but she got the brown haired doll and me the blonde, which she said, was typical cos the blonde one was nicer. She maintains the neighbours did in fact take the blonde doll but I then took her doll cos I no longer had a doll. That actually doesn't sound like me, but then, truth never did have a lot to do with history. I can remember finding the hair in the neighbours play house, then finding the doll after searching and searching for it, cos i was so mad at them making my little sister so miserable. But Jo is adament, and her memory has always been superior to mine.
... and then their was the whole 'gifts from australia' thing. I think Jo got a few holidays merged into one. But I will tell it from her viewpoint. What she saw was my Uncle Peter and Aunty Jackie returning from a trip to Australia bearing gifts. She said she saw item after item being lifted from the boot of their car, all for me.. a tape recorder, a guitar, clothes, felt tipped pens, package after package. And all she got was a koala purse and a pen. I remember that, not the hauling of massive quantities of gifts for me, but being given the radio/tape recorder I had been aching for. I got the guitar that same Christmas. They were gifts from my father, who had asked Peter to buy them for me in Australia. I received the tape recorder before his death. The guitar after. So I am thinking this episode was around June/July of 1975.
Poor Jo. She really did seem to get left behind in the scramble of being the third child. I had no idea, I am hopelessly blind at the best of times but as a teen I was worse. She shared all this with me on the phone, and yeh, obviously she is 'over' the feelings that used to boil inside her over them but the memories are still there. We laughed and laughed but there was an unpinning serious miscarriage of attention evident, that I am not saying is my fault exactly, but the adults in our lives sure could do with a good kick up the arse for letting her feel that way for so long. I of course was gloriously happily spoilt, and that's the main thing. Kinda puts her young teens in perspective for me now, though.
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I have had a very

I have had a very rollercoastery week emotionwise. I'll tell you about that in a little bit. Right now, I am taking a timeout to drink a cold can of coke and sit in front of my MASSIVE new monitor before I blitz thru my house and make it nice for tomorrow. I love it when it's clean and I hate it all the rest of the time.

I have just got home from the Supermarket. Of course, only a complete fool or idiot would shop on Christmas Eve, and as frantic and as crowded as it was, because I was just shopping for myself, I had a rather pleasent time of it. Wanna know what I bought? It's all just for me for my Christmas Lunch tomorrow.

I bought a small crayfish. That's a bit like Lobster but lighter flesh and not as subtle of flavour. That said Crayfish is still flipping wonderful and its a complete luxury. Mostly cos a small Cray'll cost $40 and feed two people (one if its a man) so, to feed crayfish to people say at christmas, is an expensive affair. But Lunch-for-One and I am having Crayfish.

I also bought a dozen oysters. I love oysters. Twelve is greedy but I don't care. I have two bottles of champagne, and salads, and dessert. My lunch is gonna rock PLUS.. I hired SouthPark and Ned Devine on video in case there isn't a Charlton Heston Movie on tv.

And I just got to see Mike, after missing him so much lately. Just a little lovely Mike goes a long way with me. He won't be back until February, so I am extra glad he found the time in his hectic life to squeeze me in. He's such a lovely person. I love him dearly. And Freya, I love her too. She is gonna be here on the 29th of December. *just smiling* I know the best people. I really do.

Sander is my darling sweet friend in Holland. I love him dearly.

Look at me, I am not even making sense. It's because these three people are the most important people, outside of my family, in my life. They have supported me and loved me and kept me company and sometimes, I honestly don't know how I could have done anything, let alone what I have achieved in the last 12.. no.. 24 months, without them. I respect each of them with such great esteem. They make me laugh. They hold my hand. They are just, *wordless* .. god, i just hope they have some inkling as to how much their lives mean to me. How much they are part of who I am. *chuckles* Mike says no one can gush like me.. but it's cos its real, and its the truth.

24 December, 1999 9pm

It's cooled down again. Brilliant sunshine, glaringly hot.. then rain..down it came around midday.. now its darkening quickly and it's cooler.

So.. back to my emotional rollercoaster week. I finished School on Friday 17 December. And in case you missed a memo or I have been my usual dodgey self, you might not know that I had been on a 36 Electronic Multimedia course at the National College for Multimedia and Technology.

On Friday, the course finished, and I graduated. I remember telling you that. So.. Saturday.. hungover. I still managed to cater a christmas party for 25 (turned out to be 36 plus their kids) in two hours. I did a grand job but quite how I managed it I will never know. Sunday and Monday and Tuesday I just stayed in the same clothes - ate, slept, was pretty quiet. I felt exhausted. To the marrow of my bones I was utterly exhausted. But then on Wednesday, I went into school. I still had to retrieve my files from my harddrive and burn them onto cdrom. I did that. I told you that too. That day I was hyper-happy. For no good reason, not even sugar I was bubbling over with happy feelings.

Then Yesterday, Thursday, I decided to buy a larger monitor. I have been looking at them for a while and had decided on a 17" the same as I had had at school. When I got into the store though, that 19" just looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes and next thing you know I am leaving with it. It was so huge it hardly fitting into my car. I get it home, and plug it in, switch it on and wtf? its crap. really crappy. I fiddle and adjust but it will only give me 24bit colour and thats just not good enough. I tried to convince myself that I could stand having the lower number of colours but when I bumped it up to the bigger resolution to use Director, which of course was the entire reason for buying the monitor in the first place (Director needs room for the cast, stage and score.. and I couldnt navigate around the stage of my portfolio on the 15" screen) and I could only get 256 colours that was it, it had to go back. Seems I had in my haste forgotten that whole 'graphics card' lecture and mine was no where near good enough to cope with the higher resolutions of my new monitor. So this morning I took it back.

They didn't want me to downgrade to the 17" and purchase a suitable graphics card. They wanted me to keep the 19". But, I said, I can't afford to purchase a new graphics card. The impulse purchase of the 19" had already stretched my budget. So, in exchange for my old graphics card, they gave me a new one that could handle the new monitor. How 'bout that!? Jolly nice people. And of course when this putz forgetful mish here left her purse in their store, they drove out this evening and delivered it to me, saved me a trip back into Newmarket.

So that's the spirit of Christmas. Good will to men and big arse monitors and 4mb graphics cards on old systems like mine.

...don't forget to put out something for Santa to snack on and a glass of milk cos he gets so thirsty.. a couple of carrots for the raindeer won't go amiss...
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This is the last time

This is the last time I will sit at this computer. It's Wednesday and I am burning the files of my harddrive to cdrom.

Well, actually, I am buring Guy's files to cdrom cos he's gone to the bank and then he is catching a plane at 2pm so he's running around a little bit stressy, so I will burn my cd's after his are finished.

I am ready to leave this place, but not the People. It seems strange to be here. Guy will be back soon. So will Rachelle. Ken is here now. I can hear Sonia laughing in the foyer. I saw Nick. I didn't see Andre. I will miss the people. Justin Reid (longhair) isnt sitting next to me. Justin Kennedy isn't sitting behind me muttering at Bradden. Adrian's Grace Jones music isnt on a loop somewhere down the back of the class, and Sean talking to PC's ("you fucking cunt") is but a fading memory.

I am ready to leave this place.

But not the People.

I have one small window. To return to submit my final project before January 18th. I will take that window for one last look at familiar faces of those who work here.

I just like being part of something. Working within a group. Knowing people within a company or in this case, college. It feels like.. I was going to say family but thats just corny and it doesn't feel like my family. It's that 'team' feeling.. and .. I know. When I first came here, I came from being alone. I had been using the Web for several years and I was still the only person (besides Alan) who did. My friends weren't subtle in their comments regarding the Internet and my life in it and my life with it. It was rarely positive. Then I came here and the first big impression was, everyone was like me. The Web was integrated into their lives and fast becoming their careers and sending email wasn't a "phase" to grow out of.

If nothing else it confirmed my thoughts and enhanced, no, GAVE me confidence. I have become more me in the past 9 months than i have been since I was.. ever.

So, now what? New Zealand shuts down over Christmas. It's our summer and everyone goes on holiday. You cannot get anything done in this country before (optimistic) mid-January (realistic) February.

Still not knowing what I want to do regarding actually working, I have enough to keep me occupied over the Christmas break. three websites, a nice cross section of work to show potential employers. A brochure for Mags which I promised ages ago. Learning HTML properly and XML too.

And have a really good think about what I want/can do.

The plan being to actively seek employment feet-on-pavement-cv-in-hand in the second week of January. And thankgoodness Quentin doesn't read this cos he told me to be on five recruitment agencies lists 4 months ago (he was right but this is me so i am not)

so now i go to watch the blue bar creep across the info box of the mac while my files burn themselves onto the cdrom.
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I graduated on Friday. Hard

I graduated on Friday. Hard to believe after 36 weeks I have finished my Electronic Multimedia Advanced Certificate. (I don't feel like i have learnt anything.. but of course I have)

Brains are funny like that, you never can feel the knowledge as a thing or a depth or an amount. It can be a bit disturbing.

Desire is another funny thing. You either feel it or you don't. It either works both ways or its not working. I personally haven't felt desire for a person 'in the flesh' so to speak, in many many years. Til now. Til then. But then, its on a fast track to no where.. which is about mishtypical i would suggest. Find the guy you find most desirable.. find out its reciprocated.. and also that he's unobtainable if you want to keep your ethical moral standards in tact. grrrr.

Anyways, enough of that.

I looked stunning on Friday. Simple navy shirt with soft gold chinese characters stitched into the back panel. It was all a bit strange to start with, like a school dance. People standing around not really knowing who to talk to or what to do. But we went upstairs and had a glass of wine (far to medium for this girl) and we sat in the stifling heat of nonairconditioned upper floors and received our certificates and our prizes.

Then back to more wine and talking and more wine. I had moved onto the red by now, it was more to my taste. Then off to downstairs to the Multimedia Lab because there were Multimedians still putting final touchings to their work plus i wanted to check on The Articulate (only to find Andre and the boys'd blocked that address so I couldn't) But Justin Shorthair looked at some ugly girl porn pics at allblack.com and he was happy for a bit longer.

Andre and Sonia came down then too. He is the Networking/Networks (something) tutor, she is the Enrolment/holdeverythingtogether person. He sat on the desk and she sat on another and we banter/talked for a while before deciding to wander over to The Sheraton for more drinks.

And we did. And things became clear. And we moved on. To Jones Bar. And things became quite a lot clearer. Then I phoned for my pre-arranged lift home, and then i did.. go home.. around 4am.

I had a good night.

Now what am I going to do? Well I have loads to keep me busy over the holiday break, not the least of which is getting three websites up so i have something to show when i start applying for jobs again in the New Year.

And now I have time, I can feel how exhausted my bones are.

And how much I want what I can't have.

And how much I have to get over myself.
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*waves from school* I still

*waves from school*

I still have my headache.. that's five days now. I am beginning to think "If pain persists, see your doctor" might be in order. going to that 'next level' you know. TK thought that might be a good idea, and seeing as he isn't even PreMed, I think I might follow his advice.. actually.. I might even pop into A&E on the way home, what do you think? At least they will give me strong enough drugs I spose.

Today was quite a productive day I suppose. I was at school bright and early, but found myself mucking around.. checking mail and fart arsing about. I could feel the day slipping from my fingertips. So I went home. Sat and scanned all the objects for my cd rom and then came back to school to clean them up and import them into Photoshop. Which I did. And they look like I wanted them to look AND they way they look in the StoryBoard. I am pretty pleased about that. I do, however, need to look at the 'notebook' because I don't like the way it's tabs are settling.

Freya has booked her tickets and is coming to spend New Years here in New Zealand. It's gonna be nice to see her again and lovely to have her company over the break. Thank good ness she's too polite to complain of boredom.

Okay.. I am gonna go home. Got some things to put into Aftershock and an interface to slice up in Firework2. Then I need to make sure my .. oh you don't wanna hear all this.
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damn i was going to

damn i was going to say something then

I am supposed to be 'flat out' and i will be but right now.. my jamjar 3d thing is rendering and so i shall bash your ears for a while (btw.. i have decided unless it's starting a sentence, the word 'i' will appear in lowercase -- its not a typo).

I rendered the 'm' movie yesterday and it looks coool.

I have been getting some groovy emails lately. Phet's been writing and he actually writes more words per mail than me *gasps* yes.. its great. I also met this other groovy diaryland type when he wondered why a new zealander kept visiting his page (me) heh.. so he like wrote and stuff.. THEN i met a graphics guy turned law student in chatrop last night and reckons he's gonna email me so lets hope that comes off cos i lurve getting mail.. real mail, as Phet would say.. not jokes and spam n' stuff but words and interesting stories etc. These guys make up for the lack of mail from all you other jokers. *doesnt mention names*

I am not complaining.. i am just enjoying the mail.

My thoughts are scattered. I am procrastinating like crazy.. and I can't afford to be mishingout like this right now.

It's after 3pm Saturday and I should have been at school two hours ago but someone is holding up my plans *grrr* I hope he shows up soon.

I want to get (yes shop talk) my Drake CD partitioned and burned and out of my hair. So I can film my lingering long lost Premiere assignment so I can have some video content for the Portfolio CD. Arg.. its the curse of my visionary-like nature.. all these loose ends that may have been tied up weeks ago if I wasnt the person I am. But then, I am, as we have discussed.. a starter not a finisher.

I was talking to Adam on the phone this morning, telling him how I plan to get 'slaughtered' on December 17th.. so be online late cos Mish'll be drunk and we alll know how funny that can be. I wonder who I might try and phone this time.. last time, even though I actually got Mike's number i was too un-co to dial.

I can't remember the last time I had more than a glass of wine. God I miss Vodka.

I also need help. I want to have background music on the Portfolio CD but I don't know what. Sound is a problem for me. Its Multimedia Michelle.. that includes sound as well as sight.. but what what? those little button clicks annoy me for the most part *shock horror* the Mac always sounds like its full of insects. Some Flash sites use sound quite well, but many are just grating.

I can't wait til after school finishes. Not because I am gonna work (i didn't get the TVNZ job btw - didnt even get to the interview stage. Unheard of.. imagine.. me not getting a job i applied for.. i must be slipping) its because I am gonna do three websites.. sock Lingo for a six.. and try'n learn HTML properly and give XML a blast. Well.. that's the plan.

Then try'n turn me down for a job.. i will become irresistable.
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