Ah, so funny! I laughed without pause from the third paragraph until the end, crescendo-ing at the fifth paragraph and then trickling out with minor climaxes during the bullet-points. And because I am home alone, said laughs were very enthusiastic. In fact, I laughed so much that when it got to the last bullet-point I didn't laugh because I didn't have any laughs left, but I *knew* it *was* funny so I went back and read it again so that I could give it the laugh it deserved.

you can't be like a windmill - you are the only one i know who wakes with the impression of their pillow on their face

I can identify with the senile old biddy part.

Hahaha! My vote? You're obviously practically perfect in every way. Don't change a thing.