November, 1999

Mish's Self-Help Corner

(should be Procrastinator's Anonymous, but I am in denial)

Hello, my name is Michelle, and I am an addict. Currently I am addicted to:

• unnumbered lists
• buying technical books (mostly computing)
• owning web real estate - while i keep this in check.. i did have the overwhelming urge to grab neighbouring territory when it was vacent last week.
• email - and i get quite grumpy when i dont get any, or if it's only xoom stuff.
• stationery items - folders, pencils, sharpeners

I feel this list is quite acceptable.. there have been times when my addictions have included (sometimes in quite seriously damaging ways):

• cigarettes (i am not saying i am over them, but i am not as compulsive as I was)
• alcohol
• chocolate (which is really very sick, on account I don't even like the stuff)
• dieting
• patchwork fabric/books/doo-dads
• being spineless

Things I would like to be addicted to:

• running/aerobics/some other heart motivating activity
• fresh air and sunshine
• lists/checklists/to-do lists
• laughter
• truth - spoken and unspoken
• style

And yes, addicted/addiction is a strong word, but I don't do things in halves around here mister.. its full tit or no go. Well.. its mostly just thought and planning with no one to delegate to so stuff mostly doesn't get done. Just in case you think I blamed all my troubles/problems on my lack of underlings, you are 100% correct.

7 November, 1999

My face drives me crazy.

Yes I know, you thought it was the fact I was dropped at birth but in fact its catching a glimpse of my face everyday that has kept me consistantly insane most of my life.

See? I can't even show you my face without filtering it for your protection.

I just have so much face. My head feels so big, my face feels so clumsy. My lips are too big and my eyes are too small. My eyebrows look like they are meeting in the middle and my teeth are pointed. I am not even gonna get started on my hair.

You are most likely thinking I have low self esteem or something, which isn't the case. I am what I am and that's all there is to it. I don't even wish i had a smaller nose or .. okay yes, i do wish i had bigger eyes or longer lashes at least. I mean, I am trying to say.. this is me and I know this is me and I am stuck with me so I just get on with living in my skin and thats all fine and good.

Okay I don't have a fucking clue what I am trying to say.

People have their faces plastered all over their webpages and I think, yeh, look, they are just ordinary pics.. some are squewy some are crooked.. you know, just grab and shoot pics.. and they look cool (pretty much) but when I try it I just fall on my too big face. I get all arggg about seeing myself everytime I open my webpage and so I end up deleting the code and making the images disappear.

I can cope with the Album cos its way over there behind a screen and I don't have to see it all the time.

I remember earlier this year, having a conversation with Amy.. we were about to walk into the Bank when I caught a reflection of myself in the window.

ME: oh... oh my GOD! I look terrible today!
AMY: yeh, you do kinda.
ME: why didn't you tell me I looked this ugly before I left the house?
AMY: I thought you already knew.

Maybe if I looked in a mirror more than once a day this sort of thing/surprise wouldn't happen to me.

I went to the movies today. It was quite entertaining, though not a spellbinding movie or anything. If you like Martin Lawrance you'll likely like this movie and if you don't, you'll hate it.

The Sixth Sense was brilliant. I went a few weeks ago, but didn't write about it cos I lost the ticket (typical michelle reason). But honestly, it was just wonderful.. Scary, simple, compassionate, touching. I would say go go GO see it. Bruce is wonderful and that kid.. god.. fabulous.

:: :: :: :: ::

I had a dream..of a beach. Of a sky touching the horizon of the sea, and white crested waves, I heard them. I walked barefoot along the reflecting sand, my jeans rolled up, a stick in my hand, my dog running about. I was walking back. Back to my house on the beach. I lived there, and worked there. I was taking a break from my day. I could feel the colours. I could smell the sounds. It was sooo vivid. So familiar. This is the third time I have had this dream, or should I say, a dream in this same setting.

I love it there. I hate waking up.

15 November, 1999

"Michelle" he said, "You make a better door than a window."

and you know what?

he's right.

21 November, 1999







HIM: you named that cat James?
ME: yes.
HIM: why cant you be normal michelle, James is a fucking stupid name for a cat,
Me: it's not my fault.. its the only name that suits her
Him: you have one female cat called Russell and another called James, why cant you be a normal person?
Me: i dont know.

30 November, 1999

...it's just, and then you *arg* without even wondering.. sandwiches and coffee.. then the clouds whooshed and he fell but the flowers ached abit more than usual...

Just a little break.. while my mind ticks over... I want this software at home.. but at eight grand a pop i doubt that will everhappen.. plus.. i would just play with 3D Studio Max never actually use it for something spectacular.. basically because I lack the drive and commitment to actually learn the flipping thing.

So it's half past five in the afternoon and its too-warm here in the LAB. I know they don't have office windows openable cos of the airconditioning and the corporate types who like to jump out of high windows.. but hell.. we are on the first floor and the air conditioning is fucked. It's nice to get outside and actually breathe at the end of a day.

I have been really busy lately.. no.. really. And the really awful part of that is I should actually be busier. Like.. coping on three hours sleep and no time for food kinda busy. But again, that lack of commitment thing you see. No passion. Mind you.. head colds'll do that to a person.

I have coffee breath. I hate that, don't you? I mean *reaching for my tic-tacs* all it takes is a mint a couple of times a day. But some people just never seem to realise their own personal body odour issues. Not that there has been anyone *or heaven forbid _me_* that has brought this to my attention, it's just there all the same.

I don't really like Peppermint and I dislike Spearmint *she rambles on* they are my least favourite flavours. Lime is nice. Especially a Lime milkshake - but not too limey .. just very pale lime. Vanilla is nice for milkshakes too. Chocolate is always nice if made correctly but it usually isn't.

Everyone at school seems quite flat at the moment. All thinking a lot about what we have to do when we aren't actually doing the things we are sposed to be doing (such as morning tea time) just sitting there with stunned looks on our features sipping coffee getting quietly wired.

I don't really like coffee either. Well I do. But I don't. When I am drinking my third coffee of the day I often remind myself that I am not really enjoying it at all. I don't stop of course. Yeh, that commitment thing again. Habits aren't commitment they are just habits. I would love to have a commited relationship with my body but arg.. i dont.

I wanna put pictures in my diary.. but it annoys me when pics take too long to download.. and mine always take too long to load cos I never optimise them 'for the web' as they say in the trade.

I mean, I know how.. and I have the book, and the notes, and the software but.. arg.. dammit. I don't.

I am noticing a trend here.

are you?