2 October 2000

It's the week. Finally, the first week of October has arrived, which means KidA by Radiohead goes on sale here in New Zealand on Friday. I want it. I shall have it.

Nice equation... I + want = Have. *nods* and like gravity and time this too is a law of nature. [not really, just sounding powerful]

I feel anything BUT powerful these days.

In the summer, when the concrete sizzles from pool wet feet and skin is nut brown and hair sunbleached white, eyes screwed up from the brightness of the water and the sting of the chlorine, when you swim and swim until you are almost trancelike tired and you skin feels so clean its as if it's become transparent, when you are home and dry and in clean clothes and your dad is watching the cricket on television and your eyelids are heavy heavy heavier - that's how i feel right now.

And.. that's where I want to be right now. Eight years old with my daddy's arm around me cursing the umpire as sleep swallows me whole and safe and dark and loved.

with a kiss on top of my head.

11 October 2000

It's raining. Rain spotlets on my shirt running in from my car. One day I will have to invest in an umbrella. One day.

My work life is tense. Something is going to 'give' soon. I hope I'm not here for that. I avoid confrontation like the plague. Crazy that. I have confidence at work, I have confidence dealing with people. I don't understand that part of my personality. Rachelle and I went out for a quick pizza last night to end the day on a more positive note so (hopefully) the strain of the day wouldn't be carried into today. I'm late this morning but from the looks things, it may have worked. We were both looking forward to a quiet male-free day but due to the weather I assume that's not going to be the case afterall.

My evening at Suzie's the other night proved better than I had expected. For a long time I have been thinking about family memories and stories and events and how to make them available to people once the members who tell them are gone. In the past I spoke about it, and on Monday all the bits and pieces fell into place in my brain. I feel the bubbling of a new and fairly major project in my mind. Of journalling and photographs. Writing down events and dates, names and feelings, to leave for those who come afterwards. Because although I'll never be anyone of particular importance or significance, I have a life my Grandchildren might be interested in, or their grandchildren, or theirs.

The New Zealand dollar is scaring me. To travel next year is going to cost more than it ever has before. As I speak with people online more and more of them are saying they'd like to meet or have coffee or whatever. It's going to be very interesting if nothing else.

MichellePark.com is not going anywhere very fast at all. I don't quite know what that's all about. Yes I do really. It's a matter of going through the design process. Stuff just doesn't occur. It needs to form - from brainstorming to formulating a plan and a reason and a way. It requires large sheets of paper and much think-linking and I just haven't done any of that yet - for what reason? no reason. Just do it M.

Conversation from a Theatre

M "That universtity is called Ithaca?"
R "Yeh, strange name, huh."
M "Ohh.. I sometimes email a guy who is at the University of Ithaca in New York State."
R "Wha?"
M "Yeh, [actual] is writing part of his dissertation at Ithaca, I didn't know what he meant by those letters until just now."
R "You like know - e v e r y b o d y."

13 October 2000

Underwire Bras. I'm sure someone thought they were a good idea at the time. Mostly, they are uncomfortable to wear for an entire day and if the underwire begins to migrate from it's stitched casing, the ends poke into bits that were never meant to be poked with wire at all.

This is how my morning developed. Becoming more and more uncomfortable. Wire tip prodding flesh far too soft to be prodded. I tried and tried to push the wire back into place, well aware that jamming my hand down my blouse between my breasts on this insistant mission must've looked a bit strange to my work colleagues - apologise apologise - but I had to rid myself of the pressing pain.

Wire tip meets fingertip and the fingertip'll never win. A firmer tool was needed, and as luck would have it, there was a bread and butter knife on my desk. I used its handle to force the wire back into its casing. Ah, sweet relief. But wire being wire and bras being bras and me being me it wasn't long before the wire was on the move again, but I wasn't so disturbed because I kept the bread and butter knife handy and pushed the wire back into place for another burst of relief. Such a good idea.

This went on into the day, until the inevitable happened, I reached for my trusty tool and used it the wrong way around. It slipped off the tip of the wire and sliced my skin better than the wire ever had, leaving a bloody gash between my breasts. Clutching at my chest the dots of blood appearing on my shirtfront.

I looked at the knife, what a stupid thing to be shoving down my shirt, it just seemed like such a good idea at the time.

14 October 2000

17 October 2000

Life Classes started again tonight. I can't even remember the last time I attended the Selwyn College class. Susie was there but only for tonight, she is handing her tutoring to another woman so that's nice for a change. Ron came with me, so I had company which was nice. Although I scuttled off home fairly quickly (habit more than anything) I think we might try for a drink afterwards. That'd be nice, huh.

Quentin emailed me today. It has to be 4-6 months since I heard from him. And it was really really nice hearing from him again.

I went to my lawyers this morning. Primarily to sign the separation papers, but also to drop the documents for the divorce and to write my will. I misted up. I've been a bit like that lately. I can't say that I am sad or depressed, just - it's the idea of death and not even the dying part of death but the leaving-behind part of death and those joyous feelings I have associated with that whole area. It doesn't help that I am reading "Shadow in Tiger Country" by Louise and Tim Arthur. A very inspirational and moving last year of Louise's battle against cancer. Tim reminds me of Adam in some ways. Unusual that I am reading this 'type' of book too, no exploding helicopters or spaceships on the front. Could I be showing signs of adulthood here *gasps* surely not. Or maybe I just need this. To feel things again. Not that I haven't been feeling things but there was a time in the past when I went through a very long time of honestly not feeling anything but neutral. That wasn't good or healthy and I have remedied the situation so don't worry. [it was well before your time anyway, in fact, it was you who brought helped me back].

Today was gloriously sunny. Cold in the corners but warm in the sunshine. It was a skip-in-your-step kind of day. Well, on the inside. The forecast is for another cold snap this week. I would love there to be a place to sit in the sun around work somewhere. Just to sit and close my eyes face turned to soak up the rays. Rachelle mentioned a Park nearby, we need to go find it. PLUS, we are going bowling at lunchtime sometime this week to help us cope with the 'stress' of work. We need to giggle and not think about every-little-thing.

24 October 2000

"OH WHAT A WONDERFUL WEEEEKKKKEENNDDDD .." Gosh what a loverly weekend. Nice weather, nice company, and I finally BOUGHT A FRIDGE. Man alive, it's been months since I had a fridge, I was desperation-city for the last fortnight, giving up any attempt to eat at home and then so-so-sick of eating out and so-so-poor from having to do so. But now I have a fridge, and not just any old fridge either, a Fisher and Paykal Intuitive Fridge.

I went out on Monday, which was a Public Holiday here, to shop. I don't normally do that, but I thought about some of the sales I had seen advertised and decided I needed a few things: glasses, towels and plates. You know something? I hate shopping. I really do. I came home with nothing after trudging around for about 2 hours. I don't enjoy people - they all walk slow and their trolley's get in my way. I couldn't see anything that I wanted and 'any old thing' never does. It has to be the right thing. So I stick with my plastic tumblers and too-many-bowls-not-enough-plates until I see something that suits, in a shop that isn't too crowded, for a price I am willing to pay. *checks my watch* when's the next Blue Moon?

I wrote to Loobylu and asked her which WACOM she uses. A 9x12 Intuos tablet . Now there is something worth shopping for. Not that I've seen much of the WACOM range in stores but ordering it online seems to be no problem. I'm not sure what I need one for, but Freya says I need one - she is never wrong.

Do you have any idea how busy I am this week? no, I didn't think you did or you wouldn't be here chatting with me you'd be letting me get on with my work. I'm cutting it fine again: biggg surprise *g*.

26 October 2000

It's Wednesday and my deadline is hurtling towards me at a great speed. One good thing though, and that's that last night I slept. Of course I do sleep at night, most nights in fact, just not always when I go to bed and most often not straight away. The night before, for instance, I decided at 0330 that if I was still awake by 0400 I would get up and go to work. That happens quite a lot to me, though often not so late. If I go to bed at say - 2300 or 0000 - it's not uncommon for me to still be tossing and turning in the dark to see the clock at 0200.

Ron and I found Life Class hard work last night. Not that it isn't always hard work, but doing series of male nudes exploring weight shift isn't as easy as it looks. My first guy was falling backwards. By the forth he was looking more 'planted'. I cheat of course and use blocks of shading to achieve shape. Mostly everyone else is new and doesn't know how to or even if you are allowed to, use shading. I say cheating because it does cover up a multitude of sins. So we moved from drawing the whole body to zooming in to creat more of a composition with figure and paper. I had this wonderful idea of slicing the models body in half and only drawing his torso, which, by the way he was sitting, included his hands, a knee, leg etc and no penis (bonus). It went astray and I only ended up with his hands. One gargolian hand and one not-too-badly-shaped-hand. Afterwards, Ron and I went to O'Hagans for a drink and a natter. We've decided that's gonna be a weekly after-class-thing (anyexcuse*s*).

I have spring flowers on my desk. Clear yellow and such a lovely scent. The day is grey and mistyraining, but not cold. Coming to work knowing my boss isn't here is a whole 'nother ball game. It's OK. It's nice even. There was no dread no whinging. It's nice. And although I know that I will be working later this evening because I am taking the time to write this now, it's okay too. This is how it should be. Make the most of it Michelle, he's back tomorrow to fix the computer he broke before he left so you can work like a demon to get the video clips done ontime. Ah well, it'll all turn out in the end. Fish are like that.

27 October 2000

I had the most vivid emotional dream this morning about Alan. Honestly, it was like he was there, as if he was with me. He felt solid, he opened his arms and I circled his body with my arms and rested my head on his chest. He just held me. I asked him how he was, how 'it' was - he said it was pretty okay but he kept getting into trouble - he is the King of Understatement - I looked up to his face and he had 'that' half smile and he said like "I hang around with the wrong kind of people". His father was there, but he couldn't see Alan. He had a cellophane wrapped basket of things for his mother, but he couldn't give them to her himself. He took me out and I had to climb out onto a ledge to hug him good bye. It was a very thin ledge and there was a stark drop. He suggested we move along to a safer part of the face because there wasn't a need to be hugging each other with such risk. He said goodbye and he held me. Then left. I climbed back up the drop and into a cafe-like-room and sat at a table and the tears just flowed and I cried and cried and cried. Wendy was there with the girls and I had the sense he had spent a lot of time with them before coming to see me on his way out.

When I woke the feelings were there - still so intense - but I wasn't crying. My face in the mirror had a shocked look, I didnt recognise myself at first. The 'feel' of him is still with me. I woke up knowing it had been him. I woke up knowing he had been worried about me and he knew I needed reassuring even though I didn't even know that myself.