5 August, 2000

I am out of sorts, off track, listless, rambling, wandering, pointless, procrastinating, wasting time - like you wouldn't believe!

Here it is nearly 3pm on a gloriously sunny Saturday and all I have managed to do is wash my hair. I was up early but went back to bed, not because I was particularly tired, but because I didn't want to do anything.

I am looking at fridges - which is nuts. Why am I looking at these appliences when buying a secondhand one would be less than a third of the price. *keeps looking* and the washingmachines. I could buy a washing machine, a dryer AND a refrigerator for the price of a medium sized fridge *keeps looking* they do look nice though. and i love having things delivered. O o o o look.. a DVD/CD system. *keeps looking* I need to get a Fly Buys card.. that's a card that accumulates airpoints with every dollar you spend. *keeps looking* I hate shopping. It takes up too much of my money *keeps looking* Fax machines are dumb. Pointless crappy plastic things they are. *stops looking*

No one is here. No one. Adam's still away. Actual's rafting. Joanne is offline doing her assignment (we hope), Kristy must be doing weekendystuff too, CB is .. well I don't know where he is. I can't get home in time to see Amhere. Sander is still in America. Freya and Mike are living their Australian lives. I need to go pick up my gas bottle and fresh bread and milk instead of sitting here whinging. I did have a point to writing today but it's slipped my slippery brain.

There is a big All Black rugby match on today, the Bledisloe Cup. Seems everyone is wearing black and transporting themselves to venues to watch the event. It's being held in the new sports stadium in Wellington. I just can't 'get' rugby. I love cricket but rugby just, has no hook for me. Maybe if Luca Vittori played rugby it'd be better for me but then he might be hurt so he can just stick to bowling cricket balls.

I have the University short listed courses and seminars. Trying to figure which one's I'll do to keep off the streets. I was contemplating learning Italian but they all started during July, so I'm too late for that. There are some interesting financial and business ones that would be very sensible to take. The art ones have interested me, as usual. The bookbinding is tempting me as is the Summer Art School List. Linux Coaching? Overview of Modern Astronomy might be a nice change of pace. A writing workshop'd help me a LOT seeing as I can't. I'm enrolling in the Life Class anyways, even if I don't do anything else. The patchwork has been plugged into Thursday evenings again. Thankgoodness. I have missed it. I might see about gettting into the book binding class, i have something cooking on my brainbackburner that involves patchwork and dying, printing and binding, but it hasn't taken form yet but it's been brewing for over a year. I love how my brain is independant of my mind. Saves me a lot of work.

Are you like that? Who is like that? the layers of my brain have little projects that evolve independant of me really thinking of them. There is vague ideas at the bottom-most layers. As they take form and require detail, they perculate to the upperlayers where I finally notice them. Once they are that high in the layers they are almost fully formed and I can use my hands to create the tangible. It's hard to articulate. No wonder I have trouble sleeping sometimes, perculation is a noisey business.

8 August, 2000

Rachelle's laughing at me again. It's not a "you're so witty you make me laugh" laugh or a "laughing with you" laugh. She's laughing AT me and my Jamjar video from last year. We both agree that when you watch it you can almost hear the heavenly choir in the background, it looks so much like the opening credits to a Saturday Morning Evangelist. I just told her she "has to learn on her own, she'll retain more that way" what I really mean is "i don't know how to do it" but I won't tell her that.

So, why am I writing in the middle of the afternoon? simply put, the Boss has decided today is "one of those days" you know the kind? days where you can't cope with work and/or life in general? yeh, in this instance, any day that ends in a Y.. so he's gone home. We have SO much work to do, but then, it is nice without him and I can get to spend a little bit of time on this faster internet connection spilling type into a box at geocities.

How long have I had my own domain name? Still nothing over there. It's partly a time thing, that is, not having much of it spare these days. It's mostly (because lets face it, this is ME, and I make time for the things I want, it's what makes me so selfish) because I have no idea what to put over there. I am hoping that working on this project for work, which is heavily Flash based, will give me the confidence and/or the direction I need to put something interactive up at michellepark.com.

Mags and I have decided Thursday's between 7pm and 9pm - alternating houses - would be our Patchwork/Quilting time. We both have loads to do and miss doing it. We are going to start with a treat in the way of a Block of the Month through Grandmother's Garden. Cats. I am notoriously awful at keeping up to date with Blocks of the Month, but Mags is generally fabulous at keeping up. It's a start though, and will be nice to be back to threading needles and bleeding fingertips and cutting the mat instead of the fabric etc etc. I'm looking forward to it.

We are having trouble remember how to do stuff in a 3D program so I'd better get back to it.

9 August, 2000

oh Lord, why am I so tired? arg, it's because I have my period. It's either a week early or I can't count to 28 with any real reliability.

It just wipes me out. I am so surprised when I look in my mirror and my eyes aren't hanging out. Can't really explain that descripition anymore than that.

Lawyer day today. It's not like me to really share that much of my offline activities online, but I spose it's a Life Milestone so requires a mention. There isn't any need to go into details, except to say, everything is cool. (the technical lawyerspeak for 'amicable'). We have the slowest, most drawn out, most friendly marriage desolution in history. On one hand, I have people in my life who didn't even know I was married (no, not you.. a woman I know who lives by Karen, I've known her ten years and last year she was gobsmacked to find out I wasn't single - but I was because we had split up so long ago but rah rah you know ANYWAY) and now I have people who think I am reconciled with Greg because we spend time together and still go out and such. Just goes to show, no one knows what's going on cept the people it's going on with (to). So after a seperation of over four years, it's finally only a matter of weeks away - that's if I can find the Marriage Certificate which hasn't been sited since the early eighties when it was entrusted to our Financial Broker, never to be seen again. I might have to apply for another one, edging out the decree nici (or whatever it's called) a little further, but a few weeks isn't going to hurt anyone, not after all this time.

Paul asked me how I felt - happy/sad/whatever. I feel like the time is right, and I feel like everything is good, and I feel as I usually feel coming from my lawyers: like skipping and singing.

That can't be all bad.

14 August, 2000

I miss you.

15 August, 2000

Welcome to Today's Episode, where Life is Cheap and Michelle decides to "save a forest" by using the same page for another diary entry.

You would think the recipe for instant coffee so simple it is foolproof. The minute differences in the numbers of grains of coffee and sugar ratio to milk and liquid are so delicate, that to be 'off' by only a small amount will result in an assault on the tastebuds.

Speaking of which, did you know that Women can taste more of a range then men? Apparently because we need to know if the berries are poison or not, we have the higher capacity for bitter flavours than a man so we don't accidently flavour the saber tooth tiger evening meal.

Today is Tuesday. I have developed a worrying habit. It wasn't worrying until this morning when I suddenly realised I was doing it. I found myself wishing I would crash my car. What kind of sicko drives hoping some speeding idiot's going to plow into the side of my car. Or head on, I think that head on'd be easier to survive considering the develpments in car safety. But then, is surviving the accident what I want either?

I watched a television programme about car safety a while back. It was very interesting. About how the advances in automobile safety was privately driven. The most interesting part being that before the development of 'crash test dummies' ie: lifelike manikins with diodes and sensors, they used cadavers. They wrapped them up in white bandages and dropped them down lift shafts to discover degrees of impact trauma. Strapped them into vehicles to see how the dashboard or the steering column or the head rest impacted during a collision. Funny the things you never think about until you're told. I just assumed crash test dummy manikins were what were used but they took a long time to develop, and are very expensive. They are based on information gathered from deaths of adults. Due to the low number of children's bodies that are 'left to science' or are autopsied after car accidents, childlike crash test dummies are not as fully programmed as they need to be. Yet these tests are the most important because protecting children in a moving vehicle is of a great importance.

Seat belts, airbags, softer more shock-absorbing materials being used in vehicles is a direct result of the tests run by this private reseach. The majority of car manufacturers were kicking and screaming all the way into a safer driving experience though.

17 August, 2000

I was a little late getting to Mags' place for dinner tonight. Just as well they love me anyway. Mags' has had a tough old week this week. Her Grandfather died, the funeral was on Monday. Tonight I went with her to her Uncle's home across town to pick up a few items her Grandfather wanted Mags' and her siblings to have.

Death brings out the family politics. The "what can I gain from this" vultures we all have as relations somewhere in the family tree. Mags the Peacemaker. She is loyal and has such an ingrained sense of duty and responsibility. Bridging the gap between family members who refuse to speak or attend the funeral. Her family is so damn lucky to have Mags in their family. It's only people like her that hold that lot together - for want of a better term.

:: :: :: ::

I bought bed stuff. I won't be cold anymore. Warm wool and cream on cream on white. My bed has become rather stylish. Want to come over and see?

:: :: :: ::

I didn't really ever understand what Nick was going on about in class last year. He lost me time and time again, especially in Flash. So I have been timid using it. Today I made several animations, and I thought I would share with you the first every fully ME animation I have ever made in Flash. I drew it, I animated it. I am quite proud of myself. I enjoyed myself doing it too. I've a long way to go but feel so much more confident after Ben here worked out okay.

(Flash portion removed)

22 August, 2000

well that was a mighty fine start to my diary today. I clicked the X. *doh*. I was telling you that Kebab Korner has the Best Kebabs.

Phil was in this morning to do half an hour of voice. I was a smidgen late - well technically I was five minutes early but because HE was 15 minutes early that made ME look late. *mumbles* mind you, I should have been in earlier. That bed is going to be the ruin of me.

It's just soooo comfy with the sheepskin underlay. I'm warm every night all the time now and it's just heavenly. So much so, that I am having trouble staying out of my bed. I get up. Get back in. Get up - shower - get back in. I am spending two hours every morning wandering around trying unsuccessfully to resist the call of the comfort.

God, i am fantasising about it now *drifts off*

I'm having a 'not so bad' week so far. Busy, but what else is new? Getting some things animated, learning and getting faster in Flash. Thinking about michellepark.com and virtuallykicking myself for not doing anything about that. (not kicking too hard though).

I am the most boring person these days. People are always asking me "what's new" and "what's happening" and its just -nothing- nothing is new, nothing is happening. I have nothing to say and nothing to contribute. That works okay if you are in Line of Sight because you can just sit quietly, but online, it equals silence which doesn't work quite so well.

25 August, 2000

It's Friday. It's not warm. Today is easy - I made sure of that - I feel I need it.

I'm eating my lunch in front of the Computer today. Chatting and writing in here. It's cold outside, all grey and overcast. I had a chicken pie. Not the best for lunch, as I'm sure I'll get sleepy in about half an hour, but it was fast and warm. That's the main thing. We have a 'guy' coming in this afternoon. He's a multimedia developer claiming 6 years LINGO experience. I just wanted a distraction and to meet someone else in the Industry. He's bringing his iBook in to give us a demo of his work at afternoon tea time.

Next week is shaping up quite nicely. Justin emailed to say he and Farah are going to see The Matrix at IMAX on Monday night so Ra and I thought we'd go too. On Tuesday is the Macromedia conference, so I'm trying to talk Ra into a motel room in town overnight - it's not working.

I'm getting better and better at thinking "Flash". I've been animating all week, basically, and it's getting more and more comfortable. It's nice to get the visual results and not settling for the film loop options with their less than acceptable control. The conference on Tuesday'll be good - its mostly to launch the newest version of Flash, but to 'spread the macromedia' word too. It's always good for the hype. PLUS.. it's not 'at' work.

Rachelle and I went to The Patriot last night. *knuckle bite* Heath Ledger. Yum. Long movie though, and I have to say, Mel Gibson runs like a girl. He's a hopeless actor too, when he's sposed to show emotion he just looks silly. I know he means well, but frankly, he stinks. He should stick to running (not like a girl) and being stanch. That movie.. not Ransom.. that other one, where he was a thief and someone doublecrossed him and he had to get his money back. drats. you know the one (on the tip of my brain) arg. it'll come to me. Anyway.. he should just stick to those movie lines. In all his movies, his family dies - if not all of them, then at least a couple of them - then he has to go seek revenge (okay so in Ransom the kid doesn't die but his freedom is violated - still upset Mel)

Grrr.. no one decent to chat with in the Articulate. I wish [actual]'d just SHOW up dammit. Fraz is online but busy. Not that I want company just that, company is nice. No one seems to be around anymore.

*high pitched whinging* I don't know what to put on my new web page. I keep coming here and shoving more CRAP into this space when I have this lovely, clean, advertising free zone over at michellepark.com and it's EMPTY. I am suffering the Web's equivalent of whitefright. (you know? when an artist is confronted with a new canvas, white and new and can't get a mark onto it) I think I must have built up the dot com too large in my brain, given it too much importance, and lets face it, NO one's gonna go there anyway.. like here, the average hits/day is 2 so whatthehell am I worrying about.

28 August, 2000

"aztec en zed dot co dot en zed"

"aztec dot co dot en zed"

"aztec EN zed dot co dot en zed"

"aztec dot co dot en zed"

"aztec EN ZED dot co dot en zed"

"OHHH....aztec EN ZED dot co dot en zed"

why don't people listen to me? I know that it's a little confusing, having two "nz"s in the same address but it's not Rocket Science, just L I S T E N.

Anyway, it got sorted. I went deep inside myself and pretended I was patient. It sort of worked. Today is strange. My hair is SO fluffy even I can't take myself seriously. I've worked quite hard today, got loose ends tied up etc. Lots to do, but getting done and all that jazz.

Tonight. TONIGHT. I go to see the Big K as the BIG K.. at IMAX. You know the place? the multistory screen movie theatre is showing The Matrix at four time's the normal size. *goes wobbly* RUN KEANU RUN.

But wait.. there's more.

Justin's going too. And Farah, and a clutch of their friends, and me and Ra.

But wait.. there's more.

Tomorrow is the Macromedia conference ALL DAY in the CITY and we all know what the City holds for the likes of Ra and myself? yes.. yes.. that's right.. fried banana pancakes. *homer drools*

But WAIT.. there's MORE.

We LOVE the Macromedia conference and we are HOPING like Crazy that there will be a demonstraion model of the G4 Cube for us to drool over.

But WAIT.. there's MORE.

I get a new Macromedia "Build for Speed" pen (maybe)

That's all.

Very exciting, don't you think?

30 August, 2000

I don't know how - to just let things go. I don't know how, to let water run off the duck's back. How do you do that? I bite at everything. Get my knickers in a bunch over everything. Hear every tone and inflection and know it's probable meaning. Just let it go. But HOW do you do that? and why can't I?