3 June, 2000

I was going to tell you something. About food and blood sugars and how when I eat porridge I feel drowzy afterwards. No wonder Goldilocks needed to find a bed. I ate porridge for dinner tonight as I often do. It fits the bill.. it's warm, hearty, comforting, quick and fills my hunger. But then I get drowzy (that's sposed to have an s in it isnt it?) and tonight I got low too. But a strange sort of low. It was as if my brain was watching my body sag. I was chatting to Jeffrey at the time. I got flatter and flatter. Sander commented on me sounding flat too. Amazing stuff, porridge.

I have hot milk and will go to bed when I have finished it. I had a few things on my plate at the moment. Work is increasing to ten hour days. I could grab an extra day by working in the weekend but I can't really spare the time. I have ballet scenes to make and helpers to organise and I need a whale and the stage is 15metres wide and I don't know how to make a whale. Ron helped a lot by suggesting hardboard/wood folded in on itself so it can fit into the wings.. very small wings very little off stage room.

Quentin helped put all my work whines in perspective, and he is right right right, so I am now of a new mind to 'go with the flow' and not let everything be so personal. I get paid don't I? It's a job, isn't it? of course. get on with it, Michelle.

I seem to have a lot of men in my life at the moment. Between email, telephones, textmessages, icq anyone'd think I had a string of cheeky men flirting with me. *thinks* i have a string of men flirting with me.

There is only one I want though. You always want what you can't have Michelle. I realise this, what can I do about it? Maybe you could sort out why you keep wanting people it's impossible to want. Do you fear committment? intimacy? Is your own world so comforting? are you silly enough to believe it's real?

it's the porridge talking. Maybe it's the milk. I am drinking milk and i did have milk in and on my porridge. You shouldn't trust cows. They are clever. They got us to drink from their udders.

Oh, by the way? Quentin didn't tell me to 'go with the flow'. He was much more sensible and detailed. I am just going to go-with-the-flow for now, that's what I am doing not what he told me to do.

I don't like Oasis. They are boring and predictable and so far up themselves their eyes water when they walk. Shihad was on Space tonight. What a USELESS tv program. Two stupid presenters and crappy music and sucky ill spoken reviews. They have a website. It's annoying. Takes forever to load on my phone line. But I go there because Jon Toogood has promised to chat in their chatroom there so i go along. Javachat sucks and this is particularly bad. Small area for text viewing, thirty users, who the hell can keep up. PLUS.. Jon comes in and says "thank uuuuu" a couple of times and goes room hopping cos the rooms are illegible. What a crock of shit website to go with a crock of shit tv show. Stick THIS review in your bong and smoke it. tossers.

Shihad rocked though. Jon Toogood's shifty eyemovement was a bit dodgey but. Gave me an eye ache just watching it.

I re-applied for my domain name. Posted it today. I did that two weeks before Christmas '99. I hope it works this time. Just need a jolly good project for myself. A distraction. An absorption.

Jeffery thinks I might be depressed. He says my disassociation is disturbing. That I isolate myself (i think thats what he was meaning). My fatigue and my sleeplessness. And my crappy eating habits. What do you think? I have had depression before. I became motionless except for a slight, every so slight, rocking. I am not doing that now. I have used 'I' so many times. Is that okay cos this is MY diary? I think so. So he thinks it is a different flavour of depression. I think it's a sugar thing.. being toxically addicted to the stuff is bound to give my body the run around. So what am I going to do? Tired and can't sleep (and its not that 'can't sleep' that internetters claim they have where they stay up all night online.. this is horizontal in my bed in the dark tired as fuck not sleeping for hours on end... not sleeping)

Now i forgot what i was saying.

28 June, 2000

Time seems to be escaping me these days. My time alone tends to be 'down' time.. arms down, sit down, chin down, down down. Tired and seasonal lethergy with spasms of work related activity.. short cut keys and answering phones and gluing labels and editing video and..and.. and.. *inhales and exhales*

Recently I met a new person in the Articulate. He asked me if I kept a diary online, and I sent him over here. I followed not long afterwards and read my own diary. I shouldn't do that. My life isn't seen through interesting enough eyes, dammit.

But I have news. My sister Jo is finally online. She has been in the Art and emails and its grand. I like it very much, her being online. Of course.. the fact she hangs out at the Crock-Pot recipe site and the Christian Women's Network worries me somewhat but what the hay.. I love her anyway.

Random Random. I am keeping the flu at arms length. It's outter troops are tapping at my skull but I won't let them in. As much as I love my bed, I do not love being sick and in my bed.

Speaking of my bed, I really do love my bed. The best Thirty dollars I ever spent. Even though I am sporting a smart dark bruise on my shin from its corner's bite, I love love its springs and it's funky 70's patterning and I especially love that in the morning, it's such a comfortable nest.

The training video I helped film and finally edited is a raving success. We've sold over 60 copies. Better watch out.. it'll be at Blockbuster next. I really did enjoy parts of that job. Would love to do more, but have the ability to film all the footage. I didn't like ferreting around in old footage for fillers. It took longer to do that than refilming in digital would have taken.

I have a lot on my plate at work at the moment. It's good, challenging. But, it's a lot.

Michael J Fox left Spin City tonight, and I cried. Not feeling sorry for him of course, I am too selfish for that. Feeling sorry for me not being able to see him anymore. I loved Family Ties and Back to the Future and the Frighteners and all the wonderful times I just sank in my chair and mmmmed at how much I liked that guy.

my mind is all over the place and no where all at the same time.

30 June, 2000

My throat hurts.

look after me.

29 June, 2000

I felt the sunlight on my face. My eyes squeezed to slits not used to the intensity. Almost as if I havent seen sun for so long. Going to work in the almostdark and coming home in the verydark, working in an office without glass or natural light. It was seeming to me that light was no longer an option.

I have come home. I have finished pressing work and put my back pack on my back and left work to come home, to my warm, quiet flat. My bed is waiting for me and I intend not to disappoint it.

This is the best bed I have ever had. I like it at night and in the morning. I like it tucked tight and sharp and tidy and I like it blanket piled like heapings of cosy. My pillows don't fall down the back and the mattress doesn't saggle in the middle. I can sit up and read or I can curl around and dream. I've had sex in my bed and it has good traction. I can sleep spread like a starfish or coiled like some other rockyshore creature whose name I don't know.

My hottie is pretty neat too. Last night I slept with it on my back. My muscles are aching from whichever germ has invaded, but the hottie was comforting and warm and weightyenough.

Today in the post there was the invoice from Network Solutions for my domain name. I havent paid for it so it's not official but I seem to be able to upload to it. *smiles* want to know what it's called?

michellepark.com

People laugh at me when I tell them but I say, if it's good enough for Martha Stewart, its good enough for me *g* I am hoping it will be more a portfolio/work/skill related site. Of course, one needs to find time to actually make the files to upload but that will happen. By the time I pay for the site and get the keys to it, so to speak, I will be chomping at the bit to get stuff up there. This makes me very happy.

eep I am so into narrow columns and small type. Well, just thank your lucky stars I am not screwing 'round with the size of the text.