I am so depressed
I can't sleep
I can't breathe
I can't believe our mast broke
How can a boat break your heart?

I also had the good fortune of being reminded of the reason I'm not married to that man anymore. Self centered, thoughtless Jerk. Which part of "sick leave" sounds like I'm on holiday? Wanker.

by [michelle] - 12:03 AM

I want to write stuff in here. About the America's Cup being won by the Swiss. About running into old friends at the supermarket. About how I don't know how to get better.. i actually feel like i'm getting sicker... how is that possible??

oh i have to say, Brad Butterworth is getting so sick of being asked stupid questions so you all? stop it!

by [michelle] - 6:43 PM

I appreciate your visits. I know that you come in here everyday and I haven't given you any reason to and you keep coming and checking and I don't leave so much as a cookie crumb to nibble on lately. I'm sorry.

I'm moving again. Yes, this time, for the last time in a long time if all goes to plan. No, you don't have to help me, but thanks for offering. After so many moves in the last 15 months I have it down to a fine art - it should only take a few hours.

This move means I'm back in Half Moon Bay and back to taking the Ferry rather than the car. This morning I was officially *over* the Motorway. Mostly, I'm pretty patient with it but this morning was the last straw. Never mind the fact I've been leaving late from home and so hitting the heavy traffic, but I'm still exhausted from being sick and that's just how it is *firm nod*.

I met up with Rachelle at Maddogs last night. Remember her? she's based in the UK now but is back for a week or so. It was as if she'd never been away. We fell into conversation step instantly, and talked and laughed and I remember how much I miss her. She's having a ball in the UK but has intentions of coming back here one day [phew]. It was a very nice night. She was kind enough to bring presents - two beautiful sepia photographs of London - she's so clever, one of the photographs was of the theatre I went to while in London. I can't wait to get them framed and up in my new house.

by [michelle] - 10:57 AM

Today I moved into my new home. It didn't take very long to shift my things this time, the organisation born of practice saw us shift under threatening skies that never delivered. A well orchistrated move into a new home. It's snug and perfect. It has a sunny deck and a large fence. It has mushroom coloured walls and a waste disposal. It is screaming for sophisticated purple and silver bits. My beautiful plates that I love so much look so wonderful inside their new white home that I keep opening the cupboard just to see.

by [michelle] - 11:05 PM

What a glorious start to my week. Have You seen my keys? no, not my house keys, my car keys? Damn but they're not here. I'm particular about keys as you know. They go in the same place everytime so that everytime you know where to find them. Their new home is [was] in the top drawer in the kitchen with the House keys and the garage door remote. Best I can figure, last to use them may well have been Simon - and might have been Greg - both with a genetic pre-disposition to lose keys at worst and put them in their pockets and take them to work, at best. Although I am now walking distance to the Ferry, that still takes 25-35 minutes or so and must be *planned* for. I had *planned* to drive and park this morning so my window was too small. And not being a public transport natural, to cut a long story short - I've missed my ferry.

The next one is at 1015 so I'll walk down to that one and retrieve my keys after work when the "menfolk" of my life become accessible again.

So, busy day moving on Saturday - busy night cooking dinner for the troops last night. I tell you, sometimes when I'm in Super Working Mood I can get a lot done. In 30 minutes I had:

• tidied Greg's untidy kitchen


• put bubble and squeak in the oven to cook


• made coleslaw


• cleaned up all the flying cabbage bits and washed out the food processor


• made two banana cake batters and replaced the now cooked bubble and squeak in the oven with the cakes


• made gravy and shreaded a precooked chicken


• fed everyone the coleslaw, roast chicken, gravy, bubbleandsqueak, peas and toasted tomato paninis [bing.. 30 minutes is up] and taking the finished cakes out of the oven half way thru dinner


• tidied up again


• made chocolate butter icing for the now mostly cooled cakes


• went home

by [michelle] - 8:42 AM

I found my keys. [when I say "I" i mean "greg"]

First of all, I am *so* happy. I caught the bus home from the Ferry last night and was overjoyed to find my top is just two doors from where I live.

[correction] I caught the bus home from the Ferry last night and was overjoyed to find my stop is just two doors from where I live. [/correction]

Can public transport *be* any easier. Joy.

And of course, my keys. When I got home I spent considerable time and many moanings looking for them. I just had the feeling they were somewhere obvious, staring at me, calling me a blind idiot. I couldn't find them and after several hours of bursts of searching I gave up. Greg came 'round later and after about 40 seconds of looking (30 of which i growled at him for going "through my stuff") he found them and spent the next 10 minutes in turns gloating and reinforcing the fact that i'm a blind moron.

It's raining today. Quite a lot. The ferry was steamy and close. I was splashed twice by zooming cars on the way to work, I hate that.

by [michelle] - 9:27 AM

so technically - it's Thursday, but because I'm still awake, it means its kinda Wednesday. I just got home.. its just gone midnight. for a girl who was determined to catch the 8pm ferry, I have failed miserably. But it's not my fault. It's james' fault. he wouldn't let me go. I told him i wasn't spending any more money and he put his credit card behind the bar and made me bring him whiskey. he was drunked. drunked i tells you. chatting up girls named Heidi and drinking beer to "cleanse" his system. It's been forever since I was out with James.. forever and just like yesterday. He makes me laugh, even when he pulls me by my lapels and kinda grabs my arse ( i think he mistook it for something else ).

Today was Duana's last day at work. She's off on an overseas trip which was the excuse she needed to leave. I'm not quite sure how we'll cope. We each had to take a few of her tasks to absorb her job into our company rather than replace her. I got the "dealing with couriers and courier guys" (I'm not comPLETELY stupid.. they wear lycra you know) and looking after the CDs.. blank and software. I will be the software police so watch the fucking OUT people. If I can't find Microsoft Project and your name is on my new checking in/out sheet i'm gonna open a can of whopass on you'all.

I stayed too long. I shouldn't have. I owe greg for fetching us and delivering Jamesdarling to his house and me to my car at the ferry terminal. For all my complaining, the man deserves a medal for coming out so late to pick up his ex... mind you.. i'd do the same for him.

goodnight.

by [michelle] - 11:14 AM

I was going to say something, but I'm going for a bagel instead.

For goodness sakes - phoning someone to have them find a number then have that person tell me to find that number and phone the first person back and give them that number is a STUPID way to spend your TIME. Can you say "Telecom Directory Services 018" Hell in a Managerial Handbasket. grrrrr.

anyone remember this?

by [michelle] - 9:57 AM

I learned something this morning about the bus i'm *supposed* to catch to the Ferry.

To recap: yesterday, a seamless buscatching morning, a relaxed walk across the road to the bus stop, waiting a few moments to catch the bus that goes to the Ferry with a big FERRY sign on the front of the bus so publictransportdimwits like myself know they haven't made a mistake and caught the bus to Bucklands Beach or Howick or Timbuktu or something. Cocky (heh, you said cocky) and over confident, leaving the house a tad earlier this morning and walking to the bus stop. Looking over my shoulder and down the road to see no bus yet, so turning and repositioning myself at the bus stop so the bus driver can see me. Still "mid positioning" my hair flies in my face as the BUS ZOOMS PAST ME!!

Shit. I go into problem solving mode: I look at my watch, I have 13 minutes to get to the Ferry. I am wearing the *most* inappropriate walking, let alone walking fast shoes. Last time I walked to the ferry it took 18 minutes. Move, michelle. MOVE!!

Walk walk walk walk check watch walk walk walk walk walk being overtaken by younger, fitter people who don't even *catch* the ferry walk walk walk check watch walk walk walk I'm gonna make it walk walk walk Ferry bus zooms past me walk what the walk walk shit there's more than one bus??!! walk walk walk cross the road check the watch walk walk walk walk oh god i might make it walk walk walk walk walk check the watch oh crap, i'm not gonna make it walk walk walk walk walk walk clip clop clip clop down the wharf phew i'm right on Ferry_leaving_time but they see me so they wait clip clop down the wharf and up onto the gang way and onto the Ferry. Holy crap. I made it.

So, lets see what we've learned: the bus company has more than one bus. the bus I need to catch is little, and has FERRY written on the front of it. I can make the ferry in 13 minutes. I am a panic'y blonde at the moment.

by [michelle] - 9:26 AM

I learned something this morning about the bus i'm *supposed* to catch to the Ferry.

To recap: yesterday, a seamless buscatching morning, a relaxed walk across the road to the bus stop, waiting a few moments to catch the bus that goes to the Ferry with a big FERRY sign on the front of the bus so publictransportdimwits like myself know they haven't made a mistake and caught the bus to Bucklands Beach or Howick or Timbuktu or something. Cocky (heh, you said cocky) and over confident, leaving the house a tad earlier this morning and walking to the bus stop. Looking over my shoulder and down the road to see no bus yet, so turning and repositioning myself at the bus stop so the bus driver can see me. Still "mid positioning" my hair flies in my face as the BUS ZOOMS PAST ME!!

Shit. I go into problem solving mode: I look at my watch, I have 13 minutes to get to the Ferry. I am wearing the *most* inappropriate walking, let alone walking fast shoes. Last time I walked to the ferry it took 18 minutes. Move, michelle. MOVE!!

Walk walk walk walk check watch walk walk walk walk walk being overtaken by younger, fitter people who don't even *catch* the ferry walk walk walk check watch walk walk walk I'm gonna make it walk walk walk Ferry bus zooms past me walk what the walk walk shit there's more than one bus??!! walk walk walk cross the road check the watch walk walk walk walk oh god i might make it walk walk walk walk walk check the watch oh crap, i'm not gonna make it walk walk walk walk walk walk clip clop clip clop down the wharf phew i'm right on Ferry_leaving_time but they see me so they wait clip clop down the wharf and up onto the gang way and onto the Ferry. Holy crap. I made it.

So, lets see what we've learned: the bus company has more than one bus. the bus I need to catch is little, and has FERRY written on the front of it. I can make the ferry in 13 minutes. I am a panic'y blonde at the moment.

by [michelle] - 9:26 AM

So
Right
The Bus Catching (The Bus Catchening) Report

Monday - sweet
Tuesday - hopelessly confused
Wednesday - ignored the bus and walked but took care to note bus's routine
Thursday - see Wednesday
Friday - used knowledged gained on Wed and Thurs - missed first bus which was 6 minutes early, waited for second bus, discovered a THIRD bus that doesn't do to the ferry. Little bus with FERRY sign fails to appear. Missed my Ferry. Drove my Car into Work.

Why is catching the Bus so DIFFICULT?

10 year olds catch the bus. Little old ladies with alzheimers catch the bus. People who don't know enough to drive a CAR catch the bus. *wails* why can't I catch the bus?

The bus drivers aren't helpful AT ALL either, I have to say. The Rouge bus that showed up without the FERRY sign. I climbed onboard and handed the guy my 70 cents and said I was going to the ferry. He took my money and mumbled something about OK or something and I repeated my desire to go to the ferry which is just as well because THEN he said he didn't GO to the ferry. I hopped off the bus and cursed him when the second bus didn't show and the time for my ferry to leave had passed: he might have mentioned there wasn't another bus and I could have got half way there with him. How long does it take before catching the bus stops being difficult? Sure, there is information out there: time tables and journey calculating websites but they aren't easy to follow, they're not even HARD to follow, they're just next to IMPOSSIBLE to figure out compared to the reality of the situation.

The drive into town was relatively light. Took only 35 minutes, and I thought I would shout myself Downtown parking for a treat but it was FULL so I parked at Beaumont and walked the 20 minutes to work. Passing the renovating building right next to work I notice they have $10 all day parking if you're in by 9am so next time I might park there.

In other news, and in anticipation of the OSCARS, I dreamed of Nicole Kidman last night. Yeh, I knew you'd need to know that. I've dreamed about this house before: block basement, brick house - typical kinda Hillsborough home and I'm pretty sure thats where it's situated. It started off a bit crazy, and it was quite detailed and normal. I had a baby, of about 9 months I would say. And a spa bath/pool thing. Well, it was a pool, but it was in the bathroom. I don't like spa baths but it seems I'd bought the house anyways. So, first problem in the dream, was that the local church was collecting money - like "the collection" in church. I emptied by wallet and its pathetic contents, being all change and amounting to something like $2.50 into the collection basket. I noticed there seemed to be money poking out of the side of the basket, tugging on it revealed a $5 bill, so i put that in the middle of the basket and the collect went off. Not long after that I was trying to explain that even though their accounting revealed a considerable discrepency between what was *thought* to be collected and the actual amount, I hadn't stolen any money. They were pretty convinced I'd pocketed $5 but it didn't get resolved. [don't worry, the nicole kidman part is coming up].

So, we continue and the phone rings: it's Greg, and his friend is getting married and could they have part of the stag doo at my place because of the spa pool/bath thing. [blank look - goodness only knows what THAT means] I didn't want him to but he said it was only 5 of them and they were on there way to somewhere else so, so I said it was okay. Not long after that there are like, 300 hawaiian shirted men all over my house and yard. I'm busy with the baby and trying to get them to be quiet and go away and after a while the noise that they are moves up the street and away. Then my neighbours come over and complain and I have to deal with them saying it was all over the but neighbours bang on and on about it. Then I get visitors. [this is the Nicole Kidman part]

Marshall, his wife, a blonde who turns out to be Renee Zelweger and Nicole Kidman have come to my house for coffee [it's late at night now]. Marshall's wife is quiet, as is Renee, Marshall sits on the couch I'm sitting on and Nicole sits coyly on the corner of the ottoman (no, not the beautiful mauve one I want just some old ottoman). She doesn't have any makeup on. Her nose is a bit red, and her face is freckley and has shiney patches. Her hair is red and mostly frizzy but not so much you want to call her Bernadette, or anything. I have my baby in my lap and we're talking and everyone seems happy and I say something and marshall and Nicole laugh heartily: Marshall looks really comfortable and relaxed. Now, I put the baby, who has fallen asleep, onto the tray with the used coffee cups, and slide the tray under the couch, out of the way [blank look - I don't know] in my dream I think that's kinda strange but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I sort of realise then, that NICOLE KIDMAN is sitting in my lounge, on my ottoman. I say "i know you get asked this all the time but, may i take a photo of you?" and she looks at me with a polite smile and i trundle on "I have this friend who calls you "my nicole" and he's not going to believe me when i tell him you were here" she smiles again and then I say "of course its okay to say no" at the same time she's saying something. but because i'm *babbling* I didn't hear it - she's softspoken, you see - and I don't know if she said yes, or no. Then she moves and sits next to Marshall, he leans back and stretches, his legs pushing out and his hands behind his head and she curls up next to him with her head on his chest - his arm falls gently over her, resting his hand on her hip. I turned to look at his wife who seems perfectly ok with this, and then I realise Renee has turned into Jane Campion and my brain tells me that makes so much sense, they probably all met on Waiheke Island.

now.. wasn't *that* worth sticking around for?

by [michelle] - 10:36 AM

Michelle : i've been drawing my son. he's fallen asleep on the sofa. he's so beautiful.
igneous : Could you draw my daughter doing the dishes? I'd love to see what that looks like.

by [michelle] - 5:43 PM

ARIES (March 21-April 19): It's Reinvent Your Persona Week, Aries. To stimulate your imagination, pretend it's Halloween for the next seven days. Today, dress up as a skanky biker chick or dude. Tomorrow, be a transgendered Bulgarian princess in exile. In the days after that, be a snake-dancer, drag-racer, CIA agent, professional wrestler, and rodeo clown. Don't just get creative; get outrageously creative. APRIL FOOL! While it *is* a perfect time to reinvent your persona, and while it's wise to inject more wildness and badness into your style, there's no need to indulge in random experimentation. You already know exactly which way to go.

I guess something should be said.. being it's my birthday and all. I am uncommonly lost for words - so I'll use those sent to me:

Your lucky number is 3.14159265
Your secret name is Squeeze
The colors of your soul are diamond-hatched and marbled blue
Your special emotion is skeptical faith
The garage sale item you most resemble is an old but beautiful and sonorous accordion with a broken key
Your magic smell is candy skulls being crushed on graves by dancing feet
Your holiest pain comes from your ability to sense other people's cracked notions about you
Your sacred fungus is yeast
Your special time of day is the moment just before the mist evaporates
The shape of your life is oval with soft dark sparks
Your lucky phobia is epienopopontonphobia, or fear of crossing the wine-dark sea
Your power spot is here and there and everywhere
The flavor which identifies you most is grapefruit smeared with honey

key for the Instructionally Obscure: your = me

RULES TO LIVE BY:
Never put anything in your mouth that isn't delicious
If you go down, go big or go home
Don't go places... ARRIVE (new one and already a classic)
Never shake a pizza
Listen to your instinct
When you think it, say it.
If it's worth doing, truly, it's worth doing well
Don't put it down, put it away
See a weed, pull a weed
A Place for everything, everything in it's place

ps: we all know these are to aspire to and the writer knows she fails at all of them often - except Number 2.

When you fall off your horse/bike/wagon/boyfriend climb right back up.

and like television.. here's a repeat cos it's just so darn'd funny - from Wednesday, August 14, 2002 ::

Greg: *pulling into the driveway* oh man, is that Amy?
Jam: yeh, and she's carrying something furry, oh god please don't let it be another kitten.
Greg: well if it is, it won't be for long.
Jam: mmm kitten for dinner *out of the car and talking to amy* you can't keep another pet
Amy: it's not a pet its a stray rabbit I had to save it there were cats after it. I'll put it in the hutch with my rabbit and then make a sign for the dairy in the morning.
Jam: *greg finding rabbit stew recipes* better make sure it's not a girl or you'll have 43 million more rabbits by the end of the week.
Amy: I checked, its a boy .. look *showing the rabbits disproportionately large testicles*
Jam: oh I hope you're right.
Amy: *puts large well endowed black rabbit in the cage with her large grey rabbit* ohmy god!!
Jam: what??
Amy: they keep humping each other oh god thats his head don't hump his head *trying to save the rabbits from each other*
Jam: are you SURE they are both male?
Amy: *looking at me like I'm the most stupid person to ever walk the earth* they're both trying to climb on top. They must be males.
Jam: so you're trying to tell me females never climb on top?
Amy: oh man they're at it again.. dirty..d irty rabbits. Oh god they're gay I have gay rabbits.. that's so disgusting.
Jam: why? they get to vent their sexual frustrations and we don't get to get rid of millions of baby rabbits. that's not disgusting, that's great!
Amy: oh god they're in the hutch now God only knows what they're doing in there. Actually, it's quite cool, I have homosexual rabbits. I rock.

Simon: Hey guess what.. I learned some sign language today look *signs*
Jam: *not looking eyes firmly fixed to the television* there is no way anything you can say is more important than Buffy and Spike getting it on for some dirty dirty vampire sex.
Simon: Buffy and Spike get it on??
[brief pause of sound and movement]
Simon: *powerwalking through the kitchen to the top of the stairs to yell down to his girlfriend* Jacqui.. come upstairs NOW, we're watching BUFFY!!

again, key for the Instructionally Obscure: this time, Jam = me

by [michelle] - 9:10 PM

Fire closes Auckland streets The Fire Service closed off several streets in the Auckland CBD to deal with an electrical fire at a switchboard in the ANZ Tower. The building was evacuated after smoke was reported on the 39th floor. Several streets were cordoned off around the ANZ Tower on Albert street as fire units ventilated the building. Firefighters quickly put out the blaze on the 38th floor which was contained to an electrical switchboard. The Fire Service sent 10 pumps, 2 aerial units, a canteen unit, the hazardous materials unit, a breathing apparatus unit, the fire police and numerous chiefs to the scene. Traffic in the area was completely sealed off.

ahh.. except that I a) saw all the fire engines and b) saw all the firemen I had no idea, in the office next door, that streets had been cordoned off. At 1pm today the ANZ Tower was still a no-go-zone. I guess all those lucky people got to go home. yay them. dim us.

by [michelle] - 4:35 PM

duct/duck tape updates
If you lock the air OUT then it won't come IN.

by [michelle] - 2:04 PM

Toast and tea.
Three berry jam and butter on thick Tip Top bread.
Hot tea in a beautiful wedgewood cup, poured from a matching teapot.
The end of my day.

I'm super hungry. Looking forward to a chicken korma food court curry to be rudely interrupted after a fork full by the rattering of the fire alarm. I shovelled another couple of forks full of curry into my mouth before leaving with the rest of the foodcourt. Drats. Another ten minutes would have been better.

I really love my Wedgewood Sarah's Garden - I don't think there is anything nicer in my life than using these scrumptious platters and cups.

So the late night ferry home - spent an afternoon listening to Marshall present our philosophies to potential new contractors. He really does strike a cord with me and I enjoy listening to his presentations. I've never seen so many instructional designers in one place before. I thought they were of myth and legend, apart from Rosie, our default ISD'r..(she has the gene, you know - the "shes great at everything" gene) I had never seen a *real* one before.

My paranoia is peaking. I seem to be out of the loop at work.. is this the first signs of my job being phased out? or more to the point.. me being phased out? I hate not being busy. I hate not working like i own the company. I hate feeling like I'm not making a difference. I hate knowing that I might have a decision soon and I might make the wrong one. Or, I might make the right one, and suddenly not be working with the people I love to work with. Is money really more important to me? I've always said it isn't but you know what? I always end up working hard and being shafted financially so, if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. apparantly.

I've never been well known for being sensible though.

by [michelle] - 11:00 PM